The Transition from Religion to Non-Religion

What type of religious person were you before you became an atheist? And I don’t mean ‘what religion’, but rather ‘to what extreme’? Were you a strong fundamentalist, a lazy believer, a ‘functional atheist’ as some apologists call their fellow non-fundy Christians?

“What do you do in a time of crisis if you no longer think praying will help?”

I really don’t like this question. You might as well ask “what stops you from going out an murdering people now you don’t believe in eternal punishment?”

Atheists can still pray (heck, some still do a sort of prayer to no one in particular – even if out of habit). And, of course, prayer works just as well whether God exists or not.

I have a friend who is in this situation right now. The question on their mind is:

How can I break away from my church without hurting the feelings of the people there whom I love?

How can I be okay with the answer “I don’t know” (for which God used to be the answer)?

Outside of religion, how do we determine truth? Is it rational to apply the same criteria to religion?

What is the scientific method and falsifiability?

What is the difference between evolution and abiogenesis?

Does an atheist believe there is no god or do they lack a belief in a god- what is the difference?

What are you supposed to live for, if not God?

Do you still celebrate festivals? Have you added more festivals to the ones you celebrate?( That could be a cultural thing also)) Should you do special things on Solstice now?

To what lengths have your friends/family/church gone to try to keep you from non-belief?

Religion often plays a large role in determining what a person thinks about social and moral issues i.e. homosexuality, premarital sex, abortion, etc. Have your views on such “hot button” issues changed since you left Christianity?

One possible question might be: How to I replace the community I left behind, since church was my social life and my support system?

What do you do in a time of crisis if you no longer think praying will help?

Act. For example, if you are piloting a plane that is going down, almost anything you can do would be more useful than praying. Try to restart the engine, apply some flaps, whatever.

Here are the ones that I’m encountering with myself a lot (new atheist here):

How do you determine the intricacies of what is good and what is evil without an external base to determine it?

How do you tell other people that you’re still a good, smart, fun person who can have a good life when their assumptions about atheists are grossly off-base?

How do you overcome the initial depression?

Sorry for the free plug, but I wrote an essay on the similarities between the last few episodes of Angel Season Four and the experience of a new atheist coming out among conservative to fundamentalist Christians: http://holdingdarkness.wordpress.com/

It really resonated with me and brings up these same kinds of questions.

What do I say instead of ,”goddamit” or OMG?

How do you determine the intricacies of what is good and what is evil without an external base to determine it?

The hard way. Sit down and figure out which choices are most likely to cause the most benefit, or the least harm. This usually involves a great deal of homework. Occasionally it will involve so much homework as to make you furious with people who obviously haven’t done their homework.

Oh, I’m doing my homework, and yes, it bugs me when everyone else just does as they’re told without considering any other option.

But I miss the absolutes, and I sometimes don’t know how to appeal to those who have opposing viewpoints based on differing but equally valid perceptions. Morality is a messy world.

You asked “What questions would you have as a brand new atheist?”

There are many superficial questions which are easy to deal with, like what do you do for holiday celebrations? What do you say instead of God damn, etc? What do you do with all the time/money you used to waste on church? How do you deal with the feeling of being a part of a hated minority? Most of us can work out rational ways of dealing with these relatively superficial dilemmas. But my biggest problem is how to deal with the underlying psychological underpinnings of my personality. Reasoning by itself just doesn’t seem up to the challenge.

I define myself as a good person and am very close with my family, which I believe is my most important relationship. I’m nice to others and consider myself relatively virtuous. My value and virtue, however, have always been determined by what others think of me. i.e., I must get good grades, follow rules, be polite, put others’ needs before my own, etc. But it’s hard to feel like I’m really a “nice” person if I see believers as deluding themselves or stupid or even lying – which is what I really feel now. I have actually enjoyed some of the snarkiness toward Christians that I read on the internet and am ashamed of this feeling when I think of it applied to my own dear family.

How do I answer a much-loved sister, for example, who believes in Creationism – aside from answering her without making her feel stupid, that is? She, as well as the rest of my family, has always defined virtue and goodness as living according to faith. Now that I don’t have faith, even though I no longer define it as a virtue, I know that she does. I have seen how she tries to love the sinner but hate the sin. However, I know that deep down, she does hate the sinner. In her eyes now, that would be me. I know that our relationship will be forever altered. She will be polite and try to love me, but it won’t be real.

I know what you’re thinking – or at least I think you’re thinking: How can you endure a “love” that’s based on a lie? The answer, of course is, I can’t. But I am thus far, not brave enough to find out what my family’s reaction will be when I come out. Right now, my feelings toward them have been forever altered, and theirs are based on lies I let them believe about me. That certainly doesn’t make me feel virtuous, either.

Pretty much an untenable situation, wouldn’t you say?

In addition, even when I am not interacting with my family, I don’t feel free to express what I really believe in my writing. I need an income and my writing could fill some of the void for me, but I can’t do it anonymously forever – if at all. What if I should be found out, which is pretty much inevitable? Won’t my family feel even worse if they find out by accident that I really think their beliefs are a ridiculous lie? Won’t they feel even more betrayed if I “shame” them publicly without even warning them?

Okay, I say to myself, so just get on with it and come out. That would solve all my problems. At least our relationship would be based on truth. It would be good for my family to see that an atheist can be a good person. It would help them grow too. I could always find other friends to take their place. Yup, replace those I consider the most important in my life. Besides, as an sixty-six year old, visually impaired, disabled person, I’m pretty much stuck with the internet as my “friends” these days. Very comforting.

Sooo, I read blogs and giggle at the snark in secret – my self respect in tatters, no income, resenting my family for “putting me in this position,” but knowing full well I’m doing it to myself.

Jeez,what a cry baby! Grow a spine! Get a life! I shall sit down right now and reason my way out of this.

Wish I could.

“How can I best avoid pissing people off while having a religious conversation?”

“How will I recognize when arguing is doing more harm to my position than good?”

“What’s the best way to diffuse the situation when tempers flare?”

Ok, most new atheists probably don’t have those questions in mind, but they really should.

Hey, some of us goths are pretty reasonable people – we just wear a lot of black. 🙂

Never had religion growing up. Never missed it either.

Anfractuous, magdalune – I know exactly how you feel. I have to keep my atheism hidden from my parents because, as devout funda-Pentacostal Christians, they believe that all word against God comes directly from the Devil, and that if I cease to believe it is because I have been “deceived” or “tainted”. (Back when I first lost my belief, they found out about it, and while they stopped short of a full-blown exorcism they were bound and determined to get the demon out of either me or their house – no matter what it took. I feigned reconversion in order to restore the peace.)

Anfractuous – It’s like being on a sinking ship. Do you leap off now and try to swim to safety, or do you cling to the ship’s remains and count the minutes until you drown? No matter what happens, you’ll have to deal with the water eventually. It’s best that you equip yourself as well as you can and face it head-on. You’ll still have to swim, but you will eventually get through it.

Unfortunately, family is not a problem that you can just reason your way through. The best you can do is steel yourself, wade in, and be polite but firm as you explain yourself to your family. If they decide to be cruel about it, back off and let them sort themselves out. If they really love you (as many families do, despite their initial feelings to the contrary), they’ll come around. If not, at least the waiting is over.

No matter what you end up doing, though, do this: get some new friends. Meet some people that you can be completely honest around. It doesn’t matter if they’re atheists or religious. Simply being around people who understand and accept you will provide immense comfort, especially when the pain seems worst.

magdalune – It may seem tough, but no matter what you do, you must hold on. While I don’t experience constant trouble in remaining innocuous – we don’t talk about religion/morals that frequently, and when we do I can usually agree with them about something – there are times when I must force myself to smile and nod or even lie to keep the peace.

But let me tell you this: it is worth it. Right now, your parents and church basically own you. Maintain your anonymity at all cost and say nothing of your religious beliefs until you are able to escape, because when your parents own you, they can and will go to every length possible to guilt, persuade, and shame you into rejoining their cult. It is not worth the strain.

The best solutions I have found are to avoid confrontation (if at all possible, I leave the room when they start a discussion) and to vent myself on the Internet a lot. Not just anywhere on the Internet, mind – I protect my anonymity by using a unique pseudonym and limiting my comments to sites that I know my parents don’t (and won’t) visit. Friendly Atheist is a great place, because one look at the word “atheist” will send my mother fleeing in righteous terror.

And again, find people that you can talk to in real life. I have a sister and a cousin who have also left Christianity (one still believes in God, the other is not sure) and it is immensely relieving to get together with them and talk about our feelings, if only occasionally.

Best of luck to you both.

When I first deconverted from Christianity, these were some questions I dealt with. What is the purpose of living if death and hell are your only options? If purpose is chosen by yourself, how do you find your purpose without religion? How do you express your views on religion as a new atheist to your friends that are still religious without offending your friends?

The transition from being religious to being non-religious is extremely interesting, and in fact had this conversation with two friends recently. A question that holds particular fascination, at least for me, is “what motivated your movement away from religion, rational objections or an irrational impulse or trigger (such as a calamitous event)?”

I’ve gotten both responses when I have asked the question in the past, but establishing which one is more prevalent could provide a clue as to what motivates people to be religious, or not.

Another question I thought of was if you believed in a literal hell as a believer, do you still suffer from a fear of hell as a non-believer or did it just vanish after you stopped believing? If you still suffer from the fear of going to hell, how do you fight against that fear? How do you respond to believers when they tell you that you’re going to hell?

Does life still have meaning?

* What caused that transition?

Actually studying the bible. Studying how it came to be and realising myself (ie without atheists telling me) that it’s arguments were circular and couldn’t be used to convert non believers. I realised my xtianity was based on emotion and not logic or reason.

* How do you make it through the day without God after relying on one for so long?

The same way I always did! I realised it wasn’t god and in fact, that was a relief because if it was god, then he sure did a lousy job!! In fact it was just me plodding along doing the best I could with what life threw at me.. and that’s how I exist today

* Should you tell anybody you’re an atheist?

If it comes up in coversation then sure, I’ll talk about it but I don’t bring up the subject first usually.

* If so, how do you come out to your family, friends, and colleagues?

When the subject comes up, I just state the truth that’s all. There’s no mystery. if they want to dicuss it more I will but I’m not here to convert anyone. I don’t want to be harrassed when it comes to what I “should” believe and won’t do that to anyone else either.

* What do you do in a time of crisis if you no longer think praying will help?

I use my intellect and other resources that have always been available to me. Which is what I did before. Prayer is nothing but wishful thinking and while it may have benefits for ‘positive thinking’, ultimately it’s actions and attitude that made a difference, not wishful thinking.