Should This Atheist Partake in the Obligatory Prayer at a Funeral?

Just go through the motions. I recently did a reading at a Catholic wedding service, and was happy to do it. I had to end with “this is the word of the Lord”, which felt a bit weird, but the bride and groom are extremely dear friends of mine and they were both really happy with the reading, which made me happy too.

Keep in mind that everyone who’s actually praying has their head down and their eyes closed…so no one will notice if you just stand quietly. Which is being respectful.

If asked to lead something, just say that while you’re touched they would offer, say that it makes you uncomfortable. They can attribute your discomfort to public speaking.

I agree with the other comments — this is not the time to take a stance. No good will come of it — not only will all those in attendance hate you if you make a fuss, but the “atheist image” will also be tarnished (and who thought it could sink any lower?)

When in a situation like this, I clasp my hands in front of me, but I don’t look down. I look around, and try to spot others who are also looking around. I’ve made contact with more than a few other non-believers this way!

I agree, bowing your head would be appropriate. Instead of praying, you can remember the good times you had with the grandmother. If asked to lead a prayer, or something else, pass the buck to someone who was “closer” to her, or something like that. Not trying to skip out on something like that, but try to put the focus on the people who knew her best, next of kin, best friends, etc.

I was asked to read several short bible readings at my grandfather’s funeral a few years ago and I did it. Recently at a friend’s grandfather’s funeral, I stood quietly during prayers, and I did not kneel to pray and I did not take communion, which was not disruptive as it was a catholic service and several protestants didn’t take communion either.

The funeral isn’t about me and my atheist beliefs, so I tend to play along. Unfortunately, most funerals are religious — I have never seen a secular version — so I would have to avoid them all together if I couldn’t reign it in for an hour. It is not the time and place for me to make a scene, IMHO.

I had an unfortunate even occur at a funeral last year. A co-worker of mine passed, and she was very religious. My husband and I sat though the whole thing, and felt like outcasts. At the end the pastor passed a plate for donations, because that’s what Ms. X would have wanted. *shiver*

The best thing to do is to be as respectful as possible. Sit quietly during the prayer, and think about your loved one. If asked to lead a prayer just say no quietly, you may also want to point out someone who’d be better at the job. (This usually means pointing to the most religious relative with in a ten foot distance)

Good luck. I hope all goes well for you.

I would clasp my hands, remain quite, respectful, still, and kind-of slightly bow my head, but not too much. I would keep my eyes open and watch the other folks. If anyone sees me with my eyes open, its only because they are doing the same thing as me. They would probably just think that I am checking them out to make sure they have their eyes closed. Anyway, that is what I do whenever I go to church with my wife.

If asked to read something, I would do it but only if I could choose the passage.

As others have said, I would bow my head and sit in quiet contemplation. I have gone to funerals of people I have never met because of friendships with a relative of the deceased. I go to show support for the living. You do not support them with conflict.

As for reading a passage or leading a prayer; my stage fright is so bad I would be unable to do this. All my friends and family know this so I am off the hook. I have been a pal bearer (Is that the correct spelling?) Usher at weddings etc. If asked to read or lead, (unlikely as that may be) I would decline politely “Thank you but I do not think I can do this” If pressed I would say because I do not share your faith and pretending to would be dishonest and I have no desire to be dishonest.

Just one person’s opinion.

I bow my head and stand quietly, sometimes with my eyes closed. Christians, themselves, will quite frequently tell you that going through the motions does not make one a Christian.

Likewise, bowing your head with or without eyes closed doesn’t really mean anything, except that you are showing respect.

I once went to the funeral of an irreligious friend of mine. The entire time, two girls standing near me talked about how he wasn’t saved and hadn’t gone to Heaven. While that was quite outspoken, it still made me realize that while they were being honest, they weren’t being respectful.

I went to a funeral last week (the patriarch of a largish local family, several of whose grown children we are friends with, and who cover a fair range of religiosity). Segments of the service were fairly religious — I hummed the harmony parts to the hymns, and during the prayers I just stood quietly with my hands clasped behind my back. A funeral is about the deceased and the family and I’m just there to say “I know you’re sad; I haven’t forgotten you”. Whatever they do is their business, not mine.

About finding oneself in a “public prayer” situation: I stand quietly, with my head up and eyes open. I’m respecting the believers that much, but I’m not going to bow my head and show any respect for the practice itself. In any large group, there are generally lots of others doing the same.

If your family knows you’re an atheist, like mine, you might be able to get away with just being quiet like I do. I just stand there (or sit if that’s what’s required of the situation) looking straight ahead in front of me, and let them do their thing.

Nothing more to say but that I completely agree with Tom

In my opinion, bowing the head in contemplation is not necessarily that religious to begin with.

It is part of the ceremony, to be sure, and I don’t think it would be out of place in a secular service.

As for the appropriate stance, I would say it matters what your relationship is with the deceased. When my grandmother died, whom I had lived with for nearly a decade, I spent the service with my head bowed but that was mostly because I was tearing up too much. However I wasn’t praying at all and this was back when I was a nominal believer.

If you are called on to say some Bible verses, you can ask to be excused, but even if you do have to make a reading, you may find things in the Bible that you agree with and are pertinent. For example 1st Peter 1:24 “For all flesh is as grass”, life ends, and is therefore precious. You may also prepare a reading of other appropriate verses you may like, that aren’t going to offend.

My point is, a funeral is not a religious event, its a social one, albeit hijacked by religion. If you yourself have a personal need of closure, try to get it. If not, you can support the rest of the people. Going through the motions in this case really is no more disrespectful than doing so at the company picnic.

This is not the time to make a show of your atheism. Allowing others to pray is not a betrayal of your own atheism — it is showing an appropriate level of respect for other people who have chosen to live their lives differently than you. You would want similar respect from them if the situation were reversed.

I have a friend, which found himself in this very upsetting situation: in Catholic service, there`s a couple of moments during mass when you have to knee while giving respect. when everybody did that, but my atheist friend….. the priest halt the service approach to him and said outloud: ” knee!, you are in the presence of a God representative…!! knee before mee!”…. long story short he refuse to knee…he just remain in silence….

now..what would you do in a situation like that one…?

When people pray, I just try to look down on the ground. Then I try to forget about how awkward I look and feel, and focus on the subject of the prayer. After all, prayer is simply an expression of feelings and desires under the guise of a talk with God.

Of course, I usually fail, and just start thinking, “Damn, I look awkward! I’m glad most people close their eyes or look down when they pray.”

I don’t think it’s necessary to do the whole thing, closing your eyes, looking down, with your hands clasped. Different people pray differently, even among Christians, and your family should be able to accept that. Different people grieve differently too. Personally, I don’t think you should even feel obligated to attend the funeral at all if it does not help you grieve.

If you are asked to lead prayer, it is entirely acceptable to decline.

I have conducted a funeral as the officiant, and had to devise “prayers” that would suit the diverse mourners who attended. Those present professed a number of different religious beliefs (Roman Catholic, Evangelical, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, and others–rather eclectic considering it was just family) that needed to be accommodated, but the guests of honor (the deceased) were atheists and would have preferred no ceremony at all.
The words I spoke were carefully chosen so that those who thought we were praying heard them as prayers, and those who knew my beliefs heard comforting words, respectful concern for those who were grieving, and a fond farewell to those we had loved.

So even if you are asked to speak, I am sure you can find something meaningful to say just as you could if you were asked to present a toast at a wedding.

During the prayers of others, just as it would be during the National Anthem for another country, you should take a respectful posture, and by so doing show your regard for them as people even if you don’t agree with what they believe. Then look inside yourself for fond memories of those who are no longer with you, and take comfort in the knowledge that so long as you remember them, they haven’t totally ceased to exist.

I think that it makes a very small difference. I faced a similar dilemma when my grandfather passed away last year. I grow up in a religious family – nothing extreme, but religious non the less. My grandfather was the most religious one; reading the Bible over and over again and reciting quotes for us each day. I knew he wanted a “complete” burial, including psalms and prayers.

For me, it was less about how the relatives would react as it was as how he wanted it to be. I seriously dislike taking religious words into my mouth, and I am also aware that he would never notice, as he has returned to the same state of peaceful non-existence as he has been contained in for millions of years prior to his birth. But still – it would have been one of his last wishes. I did, however, put a lot of thought into it, but finally I chose to pray along with the others, as the words mean nothing to me – but they would have meant something for him.

Much like when I speak in Arabic and use words of which there is no equivalent and have to say something like “God willing”, “Praise to God”, “Gods peace” et cetera. I don’t think the words themselves are any cause for concern; as long as your beliefs (or lack thereof) stays the same, and obviously this funeral will not change that.

In the end, it’s of course up to you to make the judgment. Anyways, sorry to hear for your loss and I hope you will come to a decision shortly.

I would bow my head. Readings I would only do if I felt the reading to be something I would feel comfortable saying.

(To Todd, the Church of Scotland is not related to the Church of England except that both are Christian and both the ‘national’ churches of their respective countries. The Church of Scotland is Presbyterian and the Church of England is Episcopal [has bishops] and part of the Anglican Communion. The branch of the Anglican Communion in Scotland is The Scottish Episcopal Church.)

If you choose to attend a religious service, you should go through the motions. No amount of bowing your head or clasping your hands, or even saying a prayer is going to change your beliefs, right?

You don’t go into an Italian restaurant and then refuse to eat what you’re served because you hate Italian food.

I would disagree that the event is for the deceased. They are dead, and no longer have any wishes at all.

Funerals are for the living, to help bring closure, to remind us of how short our lives are.

The religions of the world like to use these events as reminders that we all have to die, and that you better be on the right team at the end.

At funerals and weddings, I always choose to keep my head up, and be respectfully silent. I have never had anyone challenge me in any way for choosing to respect the dead in my own way. This is just my way of reminding people that this life is the only one we have, and that we should make the most of it, and that is best done by cooperating and respecting, not forcing a rigid set of rules on everyone.

The last time I went to church, I went along with the basic proceedings, as long as nothing I did signified (to me) assent with what was being said. I stood when the congregation stood, sat when they sat, held hands when they held hands. But I didn’t say or do anything that would have signaled agreement. I didn’t bow my head, I stayed silent during the prayers and songs, I didn’t put money in the collection plate. However, I didn’t do any of that in a disruptive or conspicuous way.

I think it’s a little different at a funeral, where emotions are high, and at a funeral I might go along a step more with the proceedings if not doing so would be disruptive or conspicuous or upset people. But as long as you balance it with basic respect for others, I think you have to be true to yourself.

It’s difficult to know what I would do in a situation until I was in it, but I would at least give serious consideration to the option of simply not attending. As has been pointed out, a funeral is not about the deceased, as he/she is not there. A funeral is about the living, and in particular about the religious living, and I am not a member of that group. I don’t let ministers tell me what to do on Sundays or what to think about abortion or how do deal with a crisis or how to talk about god, why should I let a minister tell me how to grieve? Those religious people who truly respect me would understand my decision not to attend, and as for those who don’t, why should I care what they think anyway? Would my attendance at a funeral really make the death less painful for others?

Again, I don’t know for sure what I would do in any situation I haven’t been in yet, but I think these are good questions to ask. Ultimately, as in any situation where an atheist is in a religious context, there is no one right answer, every option that has been suggested here is acceptable.

No…I think the disrespectful thing would be to make a scene because of your beliefs. This funeral is not about you…it is about your grandmother. If your grandmother was religious, then respect her by bowing your head while they pray. You do know you do not actually have to pray, right?

I am very atheist…but I ‘participate’ in prayers from time to time. If I am celebrating a holiday at a relative’s house, for instance, I will respectfully bow my head when they offer grace. At weddings and funerals…etc. And I do not believe for one minute that a freethinking atheist gets offended by this, though many claim to. There is no offense. It would be different if they are wanting to pray for you directly…or want you to actually say a prayer…but to go along with a prayer of someone else’s…about or for someone else…that they will all say whether you protest or not…well, it just does not carry any real offense.

We may be atheist, but we should not try to assert our non-belief at all times. Doing so will only give atheists a worse reputation…sort of like living up to the low expectations that the religious have for us as a group. And…being respectful and even reverent for other’s religious practices does not make you less of an atheist. It is the other side that wants to keep score like that, not us.

This changes altogether if your grandmother was not religious at all. You could then stand firm and say ‘Grandma would not have prayed, and neither am I’…because you would be preventing them from disrespecting her views…if that is a battle you want to fight.

And…I am sorry for your loss. Losing a grandma hurts.

As a mere member of the party I would likely bow my head etc. However if asked to read the Bible, I would substitute another more appropriate text, or decline.
After all, if in my will I asked that all mourners shouted “there is no God!” would any do that? How many would read Robert Ingersoll over my body?

I attended a Church of Scotland funeral today and did exactly what you suggest here, going through the motions of silent prayer. I felt no disrespect was involved, rather the opposite.

I don’t know what I would do if I were ever asked to lead a public prayer as I’ve never been put in that position.
Is there problem in reading out bible verses? They mean something to some of the hearers and non believers can think of it as literature.

I would just drop my head, and use that time to reflect on Grandma’s life. If everybody else thinks you’re praying, no harm, no foul. It would be must more disruptive to refuse outright.

I will admit to being what would be considered totally disrespectful. It began 20 years ago with the death of my great-grandmother. The pastor, who did not actually know her but was called upon to present the eulogy, spoke my great-grandmother’s name once at the beginning of the service and once at the end. The rest of the time was all about Jesus. Nothing about how wonderful and caring my great-grandmother was. Nothing about how we’ll miss her. Nothing about her sister who, also a wonderful woman, had lived with her all her life. Nothing about the children she had raised. The grandchildren she had helped to raise. The great-grandchildren. Nothing about her at all.

I was thoroughly disgusted and have never attended another funeral service. When another of my relatives die, I retreat out of the chapel when the eulogy is about to begin. When the funeral home broadcasts the service into the waiting rooms, I retreat to the parking lot.

Certainly, I do this for myself but I also do this for my family. I am not a good actor and I have no doubt that as the pastor goes on about his god and completely ignores my family, my revulsion would surely be on my face. Better to be absent, I think, than to inflict that on my family members. Batter also not to lie to my family by pretending to be devotional or penitent.

I am at many a events that ask folks to bow their head in prayer. I opt not to. I just stay silent but do not bow made head as it is not my custom to pray. Simple as that. If someone ever asks me why I don’t bow my head in prayer, then I will offer them my explanation.

I’m sorry for your loss, Andrew.

You already know that the funeral will be religious, because that is how your grandmother believed and it is how the majority of your family will find comfort from their grief. Lowering your head during a prayer doesn’t mean you are praying, but it does show respect for the customs of the deceased and the rest of your family. Someone else’s funeral is not the place to “take a stand” about your disagreements with others’ beliefs.

As for the “twist” … most readings are set up before the service begins. The preacher or whoever will approach individuals, so it’s a one-on-one thing. If Andrew is uncomfortable with doing a reading or leading a prayer, he should refuse. Many people are too emotional and grief stricken to get up and do a reading or lead a prayer; that’s why it is set up before the services, so that no-one is put on the spot & there’s no chance of disrupting the service. If a reason is demanded, I would go with “it would be too painful and I wouldn’t do justice to my grandmother’s memory”. Because again, this really isn’t the time or place (in my opinion) for a discussion on personal beliefs (or the lack thereof).

(Of course, he might want to see what the reading is, first. There are bible verses that are not, in and of themselves, overtly religious yet express emotions and feelings very well. He might also do some independent research to see if he can find such verses on his own. That way, if he is asked to do a reading, he could ask if he could do one he’s already chosen. It would be something he is comfortable with because it’s not explicitly religious & expresses his feelings, but at the same time would be acceptable to the rest of his family. That way he could participate if he so desired.)

I would bow your head as at least a sign of respect for the passing of a relative. You can certainly be silent through the other religious activities and as long as you are not being overtly disrespectful I do not think anyone will question your silence. Remember everyone else there is going through tough emotions and certainly are not out to get you when there is the possibility of offending the deceased’s family.

I don’t think it really matters, he could just drop his head and even if he was asked to lead a prayer or read from the bible, it isn’t going to muck his beliefs or burn his tongue off, it’s a funeral, c’mon people.