Would You Be Offended if Your Christian Family Didn’t Try to “Save” You?

There are no more committed Pentecostal Christians than my mom and dad. I’m sure that when I’m not around they spent a lot of time in lamenting my apostasy and wailing in prayer for my salvation. But they don’t ever overtly try to win me back. Offended? Hardly!

The religious family in question may very well see repeated attempts at conversion as a kind of badgering that is bound to backfire, and I wouldn’t hold that against them.

I’d rather they ask me why I don’t believe. And care to try to understand.

Yes, to be honest.

I often ask my Christian sister that if she really believes what she says she believes, (ie. that I’ll burn in hell forever), then why doesn’t she try desperately to save me. After all, if I had knowledge that a horrible fate awaited her (say she was about to get on a plane that I knew was going to crash), then I would go to extremes (breaking the law etc.) to make sure she didn’t get on that plane. And going to Hell is much worse than that, and I could die tomorrow.

She usually tries to weasel out of it with something like “Well only God knows your true heart, so I can’t know where you’re going”. I assure her that I’ll definitely be going to hell (if mainstream Christianity is true), but that doesn’t seem to move her.

So in some ways, I actually have more respect for those Christians that desperately prosetlyize, even though they are really annoying. At least I know that they genuinely care, even if they are batshit crazy.

I think both examples are extremes in the spectrum, and both would be annoying. I would rather have family that was concerned, but expressed that concern in a mature, respectful way.

That’s a very interesting question, because it points out the fact that many Christian family members proselytise to us out of genuine concern for our immortal souls, and we really should try to respect that – or at least appreciate that they care about us.

Sometimes, though, it is difficult to tell the difference between a family member who is truly worried we are going to hell, and one who is only mad that we are somehow “different” from them.

I am reminded of a recent story I read about a child being taken to the Watchmen movie by her grandparents, and coming home enraged about having exposed their grand-daughter to that ‘pornography.’ Their biggest concern: “what will other people think of us?”

If someone’s idea of love is that I need “converting” then I think I can do without that love.

To me, if you “love” someone, you allow them to be themselves. In my mind, trying to convert or change someone is a subtle form of violence to the person’s beliefs.

“I’d rather they ask me why I don’t believe. And care to try to understand.” – Travis

I really wish my dad and stepmom would try this approach. But they suffer from the double whammy of weak presbyterian-ish theology/ biblical inerrancy PLUS they’re conservatives in general, so instead of being all “why?” they just want to pretend like everything is still status quo, /(except for that god-hating atheist stepson of mine)/.

But then again, I probably don’t help much because I suffer from some weird kind of altruism where I want to, as Dennett says, “break the spell.” Or at least get them to give up creationism, because in addition to effecting them, their support for those things undermines my quality of life. So I reach out to them more than vice vera. And I do want to know more about how they think.

When I (recently) told my parents that I don’t believe in their god, I tried to “soften the blow” by describing it as a personal journey of mine and saying I was open to anything they wanted me to read, etc. But now I wish I had been more blunt, as I’m now being inundated with crazy creationist books and emails from pastors who I don’t even know, etc.

I can’t really complain about the attention, since I know it only comes from them genuinely caring about me. What bothers me more, though, is the emotional strain I am now putting on my family members. I wonder if I had been more straightforward in saying “I am an atheist” if it would have actually been less stressful for them (and for our relationship). Yes, it is ultimately “their problem” for having unjustifiable beliefs, but I wish I could somehow find the optimal balance of having open, friendly communication, without them holding out much hope for a reconversion.

After all, if I had knowledge that a horrible fate awaited her (say she was about to get on a plane that I knew was going to crash), then I would go to extremes (breaking the law etc.) to make sure she didn’t get on that plane.

But you’re forgetting that the person they’re trying to convert you to following that can save you from the plane crash is the one flying the plane in the first place (in this case, it’s God who set this whole ridiculous plan up to begin with). I think a more accurate analogy is that it’s like what if your family were members of the Mafia and they were threatening you with violence to join the Mafia. How is it an act of love to be converted to the group who threatened you with violence in the first place and why would anyone want to spend an eternity in heaven with the Mafia? I’d frankly rather go to hell than worship Yahweh for eternity. Besides, I think it would also give ammuninition to Christians. Like awhile back I had to go to church with my family and during Sunday school, they were talking about this video on youtube where Penn from Penn And Teller was talking about this very subject.

Penn said you had to really hate someone to not try to save them and now they’re all deluded into thinking that the seeds of faith have been planted in Penn and this is somehow proof that the bible is real. They’re all like “If even an atheist can be changed from our obnoxious proselytizing, then we can convert anyone because Penn is proof it’s obviously true!” I’d rather not give them fuel for their agenda or give them false hope that their beliefs have any legitimacy.

I would rather have them leave me alone. Any time my roommate says she’s prayed for me, or when my mother signs her letters “love and prayers,” I cringe and become a bit irritated.

To add to my above comment:
Last summer I was in the hospital for a week. I had many people from my former church show up. They stood around and prayed for me and “reassured” me by letting me know that I’d be in their prayers. This is one of those times that I wish they’d leave me the hell alone. Praying isn’t going to make me feel better – that morphine drip is going to make me feel better. I thought it was downright inconsiderate and rude to subject someone who could not protest their prayers. My best friend outlines his take on the story here: http://dubiousmanifesto.wordpress.com/2008/08/19/ignorance-is-bliss/

I think the fact that so many Christians don’t proselytize, even to those they are really close to, is because deep down they don’t believe in themselves. If someone truly believed to the core of their being that a loved one is going to hell, then they go crazy with the preaching.

I’ve known people through my childhood who believed in fundie Christianity to the core; they are creepy people, but at least they try to save you.

On one hand it would show that they care. On the other it would show that they think there is something wrong with you, e.g. Parents trying to change their gay child. In my case my family is just ignoring it. I wish my brother would uncloset himself, it would help; but that is up to him. I assume some are PRAYING for me, but so far that has done what one would expect it to do.

Of course if they _truly_believe it they “should” proselytize their loved ones, but to be honest I just find this type of belief so truly absurd that I’d be unable to feel offended…

This reminds me of back when I was a Christian.

Our church has a very strict no-proselytizing rule. They believe that it is the responsibility of preachers and teachers to spread the Word and that the disciples’ job is to follow it. It falls under “neither cast your pearls before swine” and “concern yourselves not with the affairs of the world”.

Of course, when someone apostatizes, that’s another matter.

And frankly, that offends me more than anything else. Jesus commanded his followers to love everyone as they love themselves. In trying to follow this rule, I found myself filled with a deep sense of compassion and caring for all my fellow men – one that has lasted even after I left the faith. When you are a Christian, and you love someone (or multiple someones) that deeply, it is impossible to fathom why you should not be spreading the Word as far as possible. When you believe that the unrighteous will burn forever for their mistakes, refusing to share the gospel becomes a slap in the face to everyone you meet. You’re basically saying “I love you, but not enough to save your soul.”

Frankly, I am offended that my parents consider my soul to be any more important than the millions of other people who could be saved (according to their beliefs) but won’t be because it’s against church policy. As a Christian, I would have given up my own immortal soul if it meant saving two others.

So what’s better?

Would you rather have your family leave you alone about your atheism? Or would you at least hope they try to convert you — even if it’s useless — because it means they love you?

So my choices are:

1. My family comes to some kind of grudging acceptance, which may lead to them thinking differently about me and my point of view, OR
2. Engaging in a pointless masochistic nightmare of dysfunction where they go around in circles with me, neither of us budging an inch.

Gee, they both seem equally appealing.

I would not be offended at all, I really wish they would stop trying — or just stop talking to me at all. ( one or the other )

It’s a good question, but I’d have to say I’d prefer it if my family sat down with me and discussed it with me and tried to understand why than for them to badger me about it. So concern is acceptable but ultimately I’d prefer to have my position respected.

My girlfriend is a devout Christian and when we first dated 15 years ago she made an effort to convert me part out of genuine concern for my immortal soul, but part because she didn’t feel she could handle a relationship with someone who didn’t share her beliefs. Today we do debate religion from time to time but we both make an effort to being sensitive and respectful of each other’s religious positions even if we don’t share them and even tho we both admit that the relationship would be easier if we agreed on the issue, we don’t make any effort to changing each other… only to reach an understanding of each other’s views.

I absolutely could not be offended if they didn’t try to save me. When my husband and I “came out” to my parents, (Pentecostal, evangelical missionaries), my mother sobbed, and my father got angry. He told me he was angry because he “didn’t raise me that way” and because I “knew better.” Which leads me to my point: I wouldn’t be offended because they know that I already KNOW what they want from me. They want me to say the words, believe and live in a completely ridiculous state of utter denial. They don’t see it that way, of course. They haven’t really tried, and I can’t blame them. I grew up that way, I know the dogma, doctrine, and all the words they want(ed) from me. Why would I expect them to try to save me after I decided that being “saved” at all is not part of reality?

I think that the strict biblical interpretation of “going to heaven or going to hell” is dissipating and a lot of Christians are beginning to consider the possibility of a “lenient” or “more accepting” god. This of course, at least in the United States, did not arrive on its own by Americans simply realizing the possibility. Americans are realizing that in order to secure America’s economic prominence, they will need to learn to get along and be more accepting of others’ beliefs regardless of whether or not they agree. Economic globalization has a lot more to do with the dissipation of literal interpretations of the Christian bible than what is realized or acknowledged. Although, I haven’t really pried into the question, I don’t think my family is thinking that I’m going to hell. Or at the very least, they’re expecting that their god will be lenient enough to accept me.

Another explanation is that perhaps they are not *that* devout.

Funny, though — I got baptised as an adult into the Episcopal church, reasoning that most adherents are not that serious about biblical inerrancy, and part of the reason I ended up leaving is that too many people for my comfort actually take some key verses, such as John 10:7-10 “I am the gate. Those who come in by me will be saved” seriously.

“I think the fact that so many Christians don’t proselytize, even to those they are really close to, is because deep down they don’t believe in themselves.”

I know that many of the people posting on this site won’t want to hear from a teenage Christian, but I only wanted to comment on this previous comment. I just wanted to say that maybe the reason that some christians don’t preach at non-christians until their ears fall off is because it won’t do any good. Not that they are giving up or anything, but maybe preaching at you doesn’t do any good. I have read many of you say it, you are tired of being talked at. My belief on this whole preach area is that I am working on living my life and loving people and not on reciting random sunday school quotes at non-christians. Why would I expect you to sunddenly listen to my way of thinking if that is all I talk to you about and I never live it out? Being a hypocrite already got us Christians into a rut and a stereotype so I don’t think that living up to that stereotype would help any.

Mostly I wanted to say that preaching and not preaching may be a little more complicated than not believing in what we say we do. Maybe after getting that glazed over look a couple times some Christians realized that no one was listening but themselves.
I know that this doesn’t have tons to do with the original question but I thought that it fell under the same general idea.

Not offended at all. My still very much a Mormon sister keeps trying to get me back to the church. I wish she would stop and treat me like her brother instead of some lost soul that “broke up the family”