How Will This Be Tested…? March 31, 2009

How Will This Be Tested…?

By Guest Contributor
March 31, 2009

Melbourne Catholic Church is now going to be “testing” priests to make sure they don’t have The Gay:

Under the guidelines, potential priests who “appear” to be gay must be banned.

…

Victorian Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby spokeswoman Hayley Conway said the church was sending a ‘‘dangerous and offensive’’ message about sexuality.

…

‘‘If the plan is to root out pedophilia or child molestation, targeting people with homosexual tendencies isn’t the way to go about it.’’

This will end well…

You know, for some reason, I just don’t trust the gaydar in the Catholic Church.

But if it helps get more people out of the Church, I guess it’s not all bad…

I wonder: How will they be “tested”?

Cynical-C speculates:

I wonder if the test will be true/false, essays, or something a bit more interactive

So from now on, if you hear of a pedophilia scandal in the Church, you can sleep safely knowing it’s only a heterosexual priest doing the raping.

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  • Siamang

    Is this the same test they used to figure out that Ted Haggard was completely heterosexual?

  • Well if they preach with a flamboyant style and a lisp…

    I have no idea how Catholics put up with this crap. I don’t know any Catholics who actually believe in this bigotry and yet they still attend mass regularly.

  • Simon

    Wasn’t Haggard “heterosexual with homosexual attachments?”.

    I figure, his penis was the homosexual attachment…

  • Brian Westley

    Hey, c’mon, Haggard was cleared by those protestants, not the RCC. But yeah, I think their gaydar is thrown off by how priest vestments resemble dresses.

  • The Canadian military had a device used to determine sexual orientation during the Cold War. They called it a electropsychometer (not sure of any connection to the E-Meter of Scientology) but it was supposedly referred to as the Fruit Machine.

    There’s one on display at the Canadian War Museum in Ottawa. The display card said the theory was that homosexuals tended to be left wing and therefore are more likely to support communism.

  • Actually it is the very same device… I finally found it in the museums online database.

    I hope this link works.

    Name: Mathison’s Electropsychometer
    Additional Information: Security officials used this device, the electropsychometer (or E-meter), in the 1950s and 1960s to help ascertain people’s sexual orientation, assuming that homosexuality made individuals more susceptible to blackmail by enemy agents. Data from the so-called “fruit machine” cost more than 100 civil servants their jobs. The Church of Scientology still uses such machines to assess the mental state of its parishioners.

  • Siamang

    It’s kind of a radar for gayness, or a gay radar. It’s called… a Homometer.

    http://crooksandliars.com/2005/11/07/homometer/

  • Richard Wade

    For my gay friends, the following is satire:

    The test for male gayness is quite simple, just a few questions.

    Does the man know more than six words for colors? Example: show him cards of different colors. If he says they are red, green or blue,” he’s probably straight. If he says anything like scarlet, chartreuse or azure, he’s gay.

    Does he know any words past the first lines from any Broadway show tunes? Example: sing “Oh, what a beautiful mornin’, oh what a beautiful day!” If he looks at you like you’re crazy, he’s probably straight. If he chimes in with “I’ve got a beautiful feelin’ everything’s goin’ my way!” then he’s a three dollar bill.

    Does he have more than four or five words for feelings? Example: ask him how he felt when his pet died. If he says “Oh I was bummed out I guess, but no problem,” he’s probably straight. If he says “Oh I was just devastated. I was despondent for a week,” he’s screaming yellow.

    How does he look in a t-shirt? If the t-shirt is loose, not tucked in, and shows a belly larger than his chest, he’s probably straight. If the t-shirt is tight, tucked in, and shows broad shoulders larger than his trim belly, he’s a God-cursed sodomist.

    These are just a few of the simple and very accurate measurements of “the gay” that the Melbourne Catholic Church can employ to rid themselves of those evil homos who have caused so much trouble for the oh-so-innocent Church.

    –End satire.–

  • Siamang

    If he chimes in with “I’ve got a beautiful feelin’ everything’s goin’ my way!” then he’s a three dollar bill.

    Guilty!

  • goffers

    And they thought they were having recruitment problems before this!

  • Tony

    Perhaps they will attach a device to the Novices’ old chap and show them filthy images to see if they get aroused. Mind you any man that has done three years at college and four years in a seminary without having sex will probably pop a boner at the control pictures of a windswept shore and a table lamp.

  • Matt

    They could just dunk the suspected gay priest in some water and see if they sink, that worked out well for the church when they were trying to find witches back in old times.

  • EatenByChutulu

    @Tony:

    Bwahahahaha!

    And that would explain why they would be so ridiculously far off…no way can you control for that!

  • Sometimes it’s better to sack everyone and start again from scratch. Then you have to be absolutely sure that the new batch of god worriers have no gay tendencies. Absolute certainty is a myth so that puts a stop to all recruitment (not that there’ll be anyone to do the recruiting) and an end to new priests, pastors, vicars, nuns, etc.

    I really think its the only way.

  • Richard

    With the RCs’ history of child abuse presumably they’ll be testing for those aroused by children and, taken logically, as the priests are supposed to be celibate should they not be filtering out those aroused by women too? Where will it lead? Castration for priests?

  • Can you say “witch hunt”? I knew you could.

    Profiling is a bad thing.

  • Ngeil

    I first wanted to laugh about this, then realized that this seems to imply ‘It does not matter if girls get raped since they are not male’ and almost puked!

  • Jesi

    ROFZZ I luv this blog so much!

  • How does the old joke go?

    5 candidates for becoming priests were told they had one last test to complete before priesthood.
    They were all instructed to remove all their clothes and tie a bell to the end of their penis.
    After they did that, a naked woman slowly proceeded down the line of would-be priests.
    For the first four priest nothing happened – the bell didn’t ring.
    But on the last priest, the bell rang so hard that it fell off his penis.
    As he bent over to pick it back up, all the other bells started ringing.

  • izzy

    I just don’t understand why this is an issue. Seriously, who cares about gay sex? For fuck sakes, there’s people out there that shit on each other and eat it, and to me that’s far more offensive. But, I’m not going to beat you down because you’re in to scat. If that’s what gets you off, that’s okay, I’m just not going to be participating.

    Love is love and I don’t understand why that causes to much hatred, who fucking cares? Good looking people love ugly people, disfigured people, but heaven forbid they love the same sex. What you do in the bedroom is your thing and if you love someone who happens to be the same sex who cares? And in terms of marriage: the Bible says you will go to hell if you get a divorce, so why the fuck aren’t we beating up all you divorcees? You go to hell for premarital sex, so why don’t you beat up your kids? Hell, who hasn’t had premarital sex. Apparently even masturbating is under that category. So give the gays a fucking break and go look in the mirror at yourself [Christians].