Friendly Atheist Contest #38: In What Ways is Simon Cowell Better Than God? January 7, 2009

Friendly Atheist Contest #38: In What Ways is Simon Cowell Better Than God?

Last time, I ran this contest:

A recent poll asked 1,600 British children to “name the individual they considered the biggest celebrity.”

In first place: Simon Cowell.

In second place: God.

I think that gives new meaning to the word “Idolatry“…

But it raises another question:

In what other ways is Simon Cowell better than God?

Here are the Top 5 answers (with submitters):


When Simon Cowell gets angry, he insults you. When God gets angry, he turns you into salt.



Simon Cowell only tells you that you are a bad person (singer, dresser, whatever) if you are.



When Simon Cowell judges people, there is video documentation.



Eventually, people will stop talking about Simon Cowell.

(ubi dubius)


Simon Cowell’s standards are actually possible to meet.


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

The atheist bus ads are now in full force over in England.

It begs the question:

Where else will we be seeing ads about atheism in the future?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

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  • Heaven.

    Wouldn’t it be delightfully ironic?

  • Kevin

    Condom packages and billboards directly above Jesus-related graffiti.

  • Ryan

    Right next to a church, even more ironic.

  • ubi dubius


    “If God does exist, not believing in him won’t cause you greater pain. If he does not exist, poof! you’re outta here!”

  • Above urinals in bars/pubs advertising how guilt free life is without religion.

    Full page ads in Hustler Magazine “You’ve already broken the other commandments, deny God while you’re happy.”

    Billboards near churches “Try the alternative, you get to sleep in on Sunday.”

    Thanks to keyword settings in Google Ads we can expect to see Atheist ads on christian blogs and websites across the internet.

  • Matt

    Boys’ Life magazine.

  • Jeff Satterley


    Not atheism, but still pretty funny next to a church:

  • Tarrkid

    This Saturday on ABC Sports, the American Humanist Association Bowl pits the BYU Cougars against the TCU Horned Frogs, and don’t miss the halftime show with a performance by Katy Perry.

  • On your blog. I rarely go outside these days.

  • SarahH

    On the neglected ruins of unattended churches? Of course, then they’d be kind of defunct…

  • Stephen M.

    Tattooed on the forehead of Bill O’Reilly.

  • weaves


    and the Pope’s hidden birthmark.

  • Random Chimp

    On milk cartons


    On FauxFox News

  • Random Chimp

    @ Random Chimp (me)

    html tags apparently don’t work

    On [s]Faux[/s]Fox News

  • Random Chimp

    @ Random Chimp (me)… again

    I give up… Move along, nothing to see here

  • A giant FSM-shaped geoglyph to piss off the Sky Daddy. Think Nazca_lines.

  • Ryan

    Jeff Satterley

    Thats funny. Its certainly a step in the right direction though.

  • jedipunk

    Superbowl Commercial – just a plain commercial playing nothing but the words to Imagine against a white background (with text that fades in/out and maybe positioned “randomly” on the screen) as they are sung by John Lennon… and maybe some other artists through out. No pictures of atrocities or anything like that. Hell, I may just make that.

  • TheDeadEye

    Where else will we be seeing ads about atheism in the future?

    I saw a bumper sticker on a DeLorean once… It read, “There are probably no gods. Also, OUTATIME”

  • printed on the inner cardboard tubes of toilet paper …. “Yup… you did your duty, and you’ve finished the ‘paperwork’, but God isn’t in here, either! Might as well just flush it all and get on with your life now.”

  • In the last page of the Bible or other religious books. With the words “And we had you fooled, haha, there is no God”.

    In the bedroom “Don’t shout falsehoods while making love”.

  • The Pope’s hat.

    It’s a perfect place for advertising space. And after losing all that money in child-abuse lawsuits, he has to make up the lost revenue somehow.

  • Jeff Satterley

    In hotel nightstands, right next to the Gideon Bible

    “You could read a book written by semi-literate desert people thousands of years ago, or you could actually enjoy your vacation… You decide!”

  • On grilled cheese sandwiches.

  • JimboB

    On currency…

    “We Probably Don’t Trust God”

  • Rob

    Considering the declining trends in church membership, we’ll be able to buy ad space in church bulletins fairly soon.

    We could also advertise during James Dobson’s radio show; with all the layoffs Focus on the Family will be looking for new revenue.

  • …in the empty, fatal, lifeless void of space:

    “Intelligent Design: Only Valid At Participating Locations”

  • In Bibles.

    We’re…eh…we’re workin’ on it.

  • Epistaxis

    In megachurches, as ads in mainstream magazines sold in their bookstores.

  • A note pinned on the back of your favourite hateful theocrat?

    How about when you sliced open a cabbage, there in the cross-section it would read, “There’s probably no god.”

    It would be tricky to engineer, but this sort of thing seems to have an impact on religious people.

  • How about an atheist sign pinned to the back of the Pope?

  • On the moon. In letters a mile high so that we can never miss them. I’ve got some paint, now all I need is a long enough ladder.

    On the Face of Mars.


  • mikespeir

    In what other ways is Simon Cowell better than God?

    Wow! Did I just miss this contest? The obvious best evidence that Simon Cowell is better than God is that he threw together Il Divo. God, apparently, didn’t think of it.

  • Clare

    Sorry to correct you but the buses will be in full force over in the UK, not just in England…(or technically you could say Great Britain seeing as Northern Ireland isn’t listed)

    A total of 200 bendy buses in London and 600 buses across England, Scotland and Wales will carry the slogan from today

  • Paul R

    I’m really hoping that we could start seeing maybe an atheist pamphlet in the beside drawer in your hotel room. You know, nestling up with the Gideons bible. 🙂

  • It’s not even ‘all over’ to be honest, not even any in Edinburgh 🙁 but Aberdeen? Pff…

  • Who is Simon Cowell?

  • Geoff

    I live in the UK, so I presume I should know, but who is Simon Cowell? I have heard of God.

  • Bill M.

    One word: Skywriting

  • Bill M.

    On Simon Cowell t-shirt.

  • Simon Cowell

    @ vjeff and Geoff.

    I’m the guy from that lame reality TV show known as American Idol

  • Andrew

    Disclaimer on inside cover of Bibles a la Cobb County.. “This storybook contains material on ‘god’. ‘god’ is a theory, not a fact, regarding the nature of the universe. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered.”

    Or… Pamphlets rained down by Zeppelins

    Or… infomercials on religious channels.

  • Sweet, made the top five!

    Secular organizations begin to purchase ad space on the Christian broadcasts “And now, a word from our sponsors… The Freedom from Religion Foundation? #*&%@!?”

  • Kc

    Ceilings of churches, with the advertisements saying “There’s no one up here.”

  • Mike

    I thought Pirates of the Caribbean was a pretty good advertisement for Pastafarianism.

  • Being promoted by BILLY MAYS!


    At least *I* think it would be funny.

  • Mike

    I think the bus ads have been the wrong approach. We should aim for more subtle subconscious marketing, like product placements in TV shows. Probably the most logical place would be on a cooking show. Lots and lots of spaghetti recipes, a conspicuous absence of bananas, that sort of thing.

  • Vincent

    Due to budget crunches, NASA decides to sell ad space on the side of its next manned vehicle (would say the Shuttle but it’s being retired).
    Someone buys the space and puts:
    “I’ve been to the heavens and there’s no god there.”

  • Wendy

    WOO HOO! I came in first! I’m totally stoked!! 😀 😀 😀 …Will you be emailing me for mailing details, or something?
    YAY! 🙂

  • vivian

    In classrooms.

  • vivian

    At the zoo, by the monkey cages. You can also find lots of visiting babies in case you’re looking for a little snack.

  • Robin

    As a product placement in an episode of “CSI: Vatican City”.

  • In psychiatric wards!
    “Strange signs of mental illness on your child? Delusions? Blind faith in fairytale-like things? We can help you now!”

    On TV – even Fox, lol.
    Narration:”Buy our Dawkins Teddy! A new toy for non-belivers! Now in stores: The talking edition!”
    (Now on the screen we can see the child with DT)
    Dawkins Teddy:”There is no God. Deal with this.World would be wonderful without faith”
    Narration: “Let the children now the truth! Teach them to think! The Dawkins Teddy have now a new, special, educational abilities!
    (Children are sitting on the floor with DT)
    Dawkins Teddy:”A is for Atheism! B is for Brights! C is for Creationism! D is for Delusion!”
    Narration: Now you can also buy Dawkins Teddy with new cool additions!
    *The God Delusion Colourbook!
    *The Flying Spagetthi Monster Tamagotchi!
    Have fun with our new Dawkins Teddy and help to raise new, bright generation!
    Children (singing on melody of “twinkle twinkle little star)
    “We have now lot of joy
    We have now atheist toy:D”
    End of commercial

    (This would be exceptionally cool as something implanted into a televangelist programme by hackers XD)

  • Orandat

    In the mall near my home, in place of the church ads which currently hang from ceiling near the food court.

  • Polly

    Dawkins image on burnt toast.

  • mikespeir

    I say we’ll be seeing atheist ads in the same places we’ve always seen them: all over nature herself.

  • littleoldme

    Outside graveyard entrances…

    No atheists here

  • Bill M.

    Atheist stickers will soon replace brand stickers on Bananas.

  • Richard Wade

    All over Nascars.

  • Dallas

    The Pledge of Allegiance: “…one nation, probably not under god, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

  • Ubi Dubius

    On Tim Tebow’s cheeks.

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