I Would Feel Uncomfortable Renting Here… December 23, 2008

I Would Feel Uncomfortable Renting Here…

By Guest Contributor
December 23, 2008

There’s an ad on Craigslist in Vancouver written by a landlord trying to rent out one of his apartments.

For some reason, he says “All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough.”

I imagine the landlord isn’t a welcoming one to quite a few potential tenants, either…

Why is that?

Well, check out his listing… and see if you can figure it out.

In case the original link is not working, here’s a backup.

(via Reddit)

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  • Matt

    *shudder*

  • Lost Left Coaster

    I hope that is a joke! But I have a feeling, somehow, that it isn’t. Wow, I certainly wouldn’t live there unless I was ordered by a judge. And convicted of a crime. And somehow couldn’t escape. Yikes.

  • N

    That has to be a joke. It has to be.

    I cannot wrap my head around that being a serious ad.

  • Stephen

    ID braclet, search cars, exersize yard? Is this guy an ex-corrections officer?

  • Dan

    My first impression was also that this was a joke, but the tone betrays no attempt at humor. As Lost Left Coaster says, I don’t think I’d agree to live there unless ordered by a judge. It sounds like a phenomenally intrusive and restrictive environment. Oiy!!!

  • Wow…the policies violate so many housing laws that it isn’t even funny.

  • Sweet! The Soup Nazi is renting out his basement!

  • Patrick McLean

    Wow, being in Quebec, I can’t vouch for BC’s housing laws, but those violate so many federal privacy laws it’s not funny. They also violate _lots_ of QC housing laws.

    Sounds like a prison that you pay for, bars on the windows and an exercise yard. Hopefully this is a poe.

  • Marissa

    Twenty dollars per extra degree? Come on.

  • Holy Shit.

    The guy should advertise it as a preview of living in hell.

  • Eek!

  • OneHandClapping

    I can’t believe he can’t find anyone to rent his room! All he is asking is that you bow to his every unreasonable demand. I love the bit about the ID bracelet with your picture. Will he easily forget what you look like each day? I also enjoy the complete lack of control of the lights. And the contraband! Oh my. Please keep your alcohol and lascivious sexual activities away from this guys place.

    What happened to “judge not, lest ye be judged”? Ah, another born-again fundamentalist Christ-ocrite.

  • Michelle

    I was hoping this might be a joke…but it seriously scares me that it isn’t.

    Also:

    I know it’s ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That’s why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

    He sounds so surprised about how his ad keeps getting taken down when he gives out his information as a Landlord:

    We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

    And then he goes on to tell you what he’s looking for in a tenant. To be honest, I think there might be subtler ways in saying you want a straight, bible-thumping, church-faring tenant. Really, I’m sure.

    If I didn’t fear for my sanity being in close proximity with this man and his home-schooled children I might reply to his ad as joke to him. You know “Hi, I’m a lesbian atheist. Can me and my girlfriend move in?” I’m sure his sense of humor would keep him from having a coronary…right?

  • When I put my ad out, I required that potential tennants be able to:

    1. Explain Natural Selection and Genetic Drift.

    2. Solve: y” + y = exp(t), y(0)=1, y'(0)=0

    3. Find the hypervolume enclosed by the 3-d sphere x^2+y^2+z^2+w^2 = 1 in 4 space.

    Ok, just kidding.

  • Wow.

    Just wow.

    Cluestick : You can’t find a tenant because you’re a douchebag who runs your place like a prison.

  • Seriously? A closed-circuit video camera “in the suite?” Wasn’t there a terrible Sharon Stone movie about that?

  • Okay, upon further review, this is a joke. And a pretty good one!

  • OK, this is not real, surely. Or it is an add for the county jail (exorcise yard?)? A joke? Come on…

  • I hope this is serious. How cool would it be to live through that. You’d never complain about a crappy landlord again.

  • Vincent

    I believe it’s a joke.
    Even the “why does this get taken down” line is part of the joke.
    Notice how it builds slowly, sounding fairly normal at first then getting weirder and weirder. Lights on at 5:30 am! Bed must be made! Random room inspections!
    This guy took the life of a prison inmate and tweaked it to look like a real ad for rental space.

    If I lived in the area I’d respond just to confirm my suspicions.

  • Ubi Dubium

    This looks more like a joke on horrible landlords than it does on fundies. Perhaps someone with a grudge against a landlord who acted more like a warden posted this as a satire.

  • «bønez_brigade»

    It sounded just like a dorm at a fundagelical college (and several non-fundy colleges here in the South). ‘Twas a nice Poe, though.

  • That has to be a joke….if it’s not, that person needs some mental help. I totally thought the same things as Scott Little….exercise yard priveleges? That along with everything else sounds very much like prison. Although, 650 sq ft might be a bit large for a cell.

  • Danny R.

    This is a joke, no doubt about it. My brother is a corrections officer, and if you remove the religious stuff, this whole ad reads exactly like the guidebook that they give to new inmates at the Pueblo county jail. It had me going for a minute, but when I read the stuff about visitors being searched, room (cell) inspections, the exercise yard, etc., I knew it had to be satire. Still pretty funny though!

  • Daniel

    No way this is real.

  • Brody

    Too bad Google Maps doesn’t have street view in Vancouver…

  • Ian

    Ollie: I’d solve your problems, but a 3d sphere doesn’t exist in 4 dimensions…

  • N

    That’s a freakin prison cell! With the exception that you have to pay to “live” in it.

  • mikespeir

    Hope he’s got a job. Won’t make any money in the rental business.

  • Craig Hansen

    Satire. I enjoyed. 8/10

  • Anonymous

    Ian and Ollie are killin’ me!

    All I can say about this ad:

    Oh.
    My.
    God.

    The first time he used the phrase “exercise yard” I thought he might be an ex-con…..

    I wonder WHERE this apartment is….
    ID bracelet?
    Lights out?
    Wake-up at 5:30?
    Random walkthroughs/searches?
    No “immoral deviant sexual behavior”?
    I wonder if that’s thx to the camera in suite.

    O.M.F.S.M.!!!!1

  • SASnSA

    There are far less rules in a military dormitory!

    And… well, I was going to ask isn’t greed a sin, what with the way he’s trying to rip his prospective tenant off at every path, but then I realized that ripping off other Christians is what Christian fundies do best.

  • Sure, the standard S^3 (3-sphere) embedds smoothly (and isometrically) in 4 space; I just gave the equations, no?

    Of course, it is true that the conjecture that every 3 sphere bounds a smooth 4 ball in 4 space is unsolved but the specific one that I mentioned sure does. And every 3 sphere bounds a (possibly nonsmooth) 4 ball; Friedman proved the 4-d Shoenflies conjecture and won the Fields Medal for doing so.

    search: schoenflies conjecture

  • Jamie G.

    And this is why everyone of you should be members of Americans United For the Separation of Church and State (or American Atheists and the Freedom From Religion Foundation), because if the right wingnuts had their way, this would be the standard for living in the US!

  • Jick

    The address is the same as the Prison Justice Day Committee. Pretty great joke, I thought.

  • I agree that it looks like a joke. I almost hope it isn’t one though. I would like to think the US doesn’t have all the right-wing morons on Earth.

  • Excellent. I flagged it for “best of craigslist.” I’m speechless!

  • Indigo

    Codswallop – what clues in locals is the address. Commercial Drive is a byword for organic markets, head shops, thrift stores and other shopping places of hippies and freaks in Vancouver. Broadway intersects with it right where the concentration is highest. It’s unlikely someone like this guy would choose to live and raise his children there.

  • Hmmm-maybe the perfect place to help my brother-in-law kick his gambling addiction. Wouldn’t we all like a security camera in our apartments?! Though I don’t think he would be able to work in Vancouver. Alas.

    I’ve had landlords who sure seemed to be leaning in this direction but never said it. Maybe it’s someone mad at their landlord and trying to get him harassed?

  • David

    WHy would I pay him $480/mo for this? I could knock over a liquor store and get 3-7 years of the same for free!

  • David

    Seriously, though, when I was an Orthodox Jewish college student and lived in the frum parts of Brooklyn, a typical basement apartment landlord behaved about 80% of the way up this loony scale.

  • Wow. That’s so illegal it’s not even funny >_>

    But, it doesn’t matter. Obviously this is a joke.

  • David

    Most basement apartments are illegal anyway. These people don’t give a frick what the law is, they are sure they “answer to a higher authority.”

  • Becky

    Poe’s Law strikes again!

  • weaves

    These are my favourite sections!

    WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in
    the suite will be turned on automatically.
    LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.

    INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure
    that these rules and regulations are being followed.

    (I’m so glad I’m in australia. This is illegal here!)

    VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from
    1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject
    to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can
    result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All
    visitors must sign the Visitor’s Log. Unauthorized visitors will be
    escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.

    I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her
    photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D.
    bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
    the nominal cost of $5.00.
    EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the
    area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to
    6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to
    the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a
    particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is
    allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the
    exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

    Sounds like a prison! I certainly wouldn’t be caught paying that much a month for THIS

  • It’s a joke, it has to be…

  • Oh my…that is just horrifying!

  • Wendy

    I’m currently rental-hunting in Vancouver. I’ve also lived here all my life, and I can tell you that the price says it all: $480 a month for a place at Broadway & Commercial.. That’s a SCAM! Write to them and I bet you’ll receive an automated response about this guy moving to Africa for missionary work, and asking for sensitive, personal details.

  • Wendy

    OH hahaha, okay I read the rest of it, it’s OBVIOUSLY a joke. Lights all turn on at 5:30am? You’re required to wear a wristband with your photo on it at all times? “No alternative lifestyles”? Hahhahahah wow

  • hollaback

    Wow, for this being a “friendly” athiest’s blog, there sure are a lot of UNfriendly ones here. I think it’s pretty clear this is a joke, ya’ll. It starts off sounding quasi normal then builds to a frenzy and you realize he’s describing a detention center. The line about not understanding why it’s been taken down was the sarcasm icing on the cake. Those who jumped to the conclusion that this is a legit religious wacko either have no sense of humor, or are just looking for some group to hate on. Lighten up, friends.