Friendly Atheist Contest #36: Overheard at the Naked Church October 20, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #36: Overheard at the Naked Church

Last time, I ran this contest (in reference to the naked mass that took place in the Netherlands):

What comments were overheard during the naked mass?

Here are the Top 10 lines overheard (with submitters):


“Now, would everybody please use the back entrance, that way no accidents will happen.”



“Dude, whatever you do, don’t close your eyes when you receive communion.”

(Scott Flowers)


“I know you guys love communion, but there’s no need to press up so closely against each other in line.”



“Don’t look at another guys penis, don’t look at another guys penis, don’t look at another guys penis… Oh crap, now I’m gay.”

(Bill M.)


“If your neighbors attempt to argue with you, do not mass debate!”



“Is that a bible in your pocket or are you… oh!”

(Scott G.)


“I know it seems extreme, but this was the only way to be sure no one will steal the Eucharist.”



Pastor: “OK everyone, listen up…after our last service we are going to have to have some new rules about what is to be placed in the collection plates.”

(Larry Huffman)


Preacher: “He is risen…”

Child: “…and so are you!”



“You mis-heard me. I said it was a rousing sermon.”


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

You can now smell like a Pope!

The Pope’s Cologne is a classic Old World cologne made from the private formula of Pope Pius IX (1792-1878). We obtained this formula from descendants of the commander of his Papal Guard and lifelong friend, General Charles Charette. We have followed this complex, exclusive formula meticulously, using the same essential oils that his perfumers used 150 years ago. We believe that we have succeeded in capturing the same fragrance that he and those around him enjoyed so long ago.

Which raises the question:

What will be the next faith-based scent we hear of? And what will it smell like…?

(Thanks to Bjorn for the idea!)

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

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  • P.S.

    Barn – the new fragrance by Noah and Sons.

  • Christophe Thill

    “The Believer’s New Perfume”. It is to the sens of smell what the Emperor’s New Clothes were to the sense of sight.

  • Ubi Dubium

    Eau de Buddha – Smells like Nirvana

  • Reason: The New Fragrance for 2009. Wake up and breathe in the fresh, secular air. Reason is a careful blend of skepticism, caution, curiosity and delight. Don’t be left in the Dark Ages smelling like an old, mildewed book – get Reason and get with the times.

  • Larry Huffman

    “Dead Smell Be Gone”. For those discriminating saviors who do not want to repulse their followers with the stench of rot and decay. Hundreds of uses around the sepulchre.

    Not really a cologne…more like fabreeze.

  • Resurrection: The Cologne of the resurrected Jesus is reinvented from the biblical accounts. Jesus died on a cross after hours of torture and was then removed to a sealed cave for three days. As the three Mary’s stood by the cross (John 19:25) and watched Jesus die from afar (Luke 23:49) they would have savoured his heavenly odor.

    You too can experience the scent of Our Resurrected Lord as perfumiers have laboured to reproduce it using authentic techniques that biblical scholars have described as most holy. Not mere frankincense as at His birth but the captured fragrance of sacrifice and rebirth. You too can enjoy it and never doubt the scent of Jesus as Doubting Thomas did.

  • Excuse
    The fresh smell of bathroom ammonia.

    From Larry Craig.

  • The Ark: Have you ever wondered what it must have been like to live aboard the Ark as God smote the world in a great Flood? Recreated using only natural ingredients we have now captured to undeniable scent of every living creature (including dinosaurs) kept in harmony in a vast boat for 40 days and nights.

  • Denial. A River in Egypt? Not for the Faithful. Denial captures the sweet scent of desperation and bottles it for your to wear at all times. Fear no false gods – with Denial, you’re always right no matter what anyone else says.

  • These are so much fun!

    @hoverFrog – how did you get a little icon to show up next to your name?

  • Jonah’s Whale: Jonah was punished by God for trying to escape His will and was trapped within the belly of a great fish for three days and nights. This fragrance of this miracle is now authentically reproduced from the scent of the largest of the aquatic giants, harvested in the seas near Japan.

  • Rose, it’s a gravatar. I registered it at Or, it might be the icon I use in the forums. Um, it’s definitely one or the other.

  • Robin


    It is the most beautiful aroma in the world!


    It’s whatever you want it to be!


    It’s 100% natural!


    (It is, of course, unscented…)

  • Fool: “The fool has said in his heart there is no God” (Psalm 14.1) and now this beautiful scent can turn men to fools before your feet. If you desire the heart of a man this subtle perfume will strip away all resistance and leave a place for you alone in his heart. He will truly be a fool for your love.

  • Fig: The sweet scent of early season figs has become rare since Jesus cursed them (Matthew 21:17-19) but you can still experience the joys of their perfume. Guaranteed not to incite you to violence against moneychangers in temples.

  • You can probably tell that I’m going for quantity here.

  • Stephen

    It’s the new Sarah Palin scent. “Ignorance is Bliss”, smells like pitbull with just a hint of lipstick smell.

  • Ubi Dubium

    Christmas Night – a divine blend of frankincense, myrrh, fresh straw, old sheep, cow manure and soiled swaddling clothes. Your fragrance with be unbelievable!

  • @hoverFrog – cool! Gravatar worked. Thanks!

  • Rose, cool look.

  • Epistaxis

    Télévange: Fire, brimstone, and a certain unplaceable fishy smell.

  • Figment:

    We take the sweet, earthy scent of figs, mixed with a refreshing whisp of mint to bring you what is the ultimate answer to you olfactory quest.


    Because at the end of the day, it’s all a figment of your imagination.

  • Sock

    Faith, the new old scent that everyone is raving about!

    It comes packaged in a beautiful empty box!

  • Whore of Babylon: Frankincense, fig, Odor of Sanctity,and horned beast semen for that little something extra, stabilized in Gin for protestants, brandy for Catholics, and vodka for Orthodoxes, and mixed with the tears of ten thousand grateful recently deflowered virgins.
    Whore of Babylon, for a night of apocalypse.

    Also by the same brand, Maddona, scented with baby powder and wedding lilies, for when you want to smell like a pent-up old virgin.

  • Catherine

    Burnt Gomorrah: This seductive fragrance contains the lovely smell of brimstone combined with the smokey smell of burnt sinners. Also includes the faint smell of salt.

  • James

    Inquisition- A new Spanish fragrance that really sneaks up on you. It will make SURE that you give up your old fragrance for this new one. Because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

  • @hoverFrog – thanks! And thanks for the tip.

  • Luther Weeks

    Holy S**t. Every week you get the body and the blood. Now partake of the essence passed.

  • Rose, you’re welcome but I was only answering a question. Anyone else would have done the same.

  • “Dude, whatever you do, don’t close your eyes when you receive communion.”

    <sarcasm>lol, rape</sarcasm>

    Seriously, what the fuck, hemant? Not funny. It’s not funny when a real pastor or priest does it, so what the fuck makes it funny now?

  • Seriously, what the fuck, hemant? Not funny. It’s not funny when a real pastor or priest does it, so what the fuck makes it funny now?

    Of course it’s not funny in real life.

    In line with the other responses, I saw this as referring to the naked mass (and the other jokes on the list). The first thought in my mind wasn’t a connection to the abuse scandals.

  • Chanel no. 666; now you can smell like hell!

  • weaver

    Carpenter Jesus – that trusty old scent of unwashed man, sweat, wood and burning faith

  • Jake

    Voices by Joan of Arc

    “It smells like burning!”

  • JimboB

    Haggard: Now you can enjoy the smell of male prostitutes, homosexual sex and methamphetamines over and over again. (Like you really need a cologne for that.)

  • Mother Teresa’s Perfume:
    The scent of African children dying from AIDS acquired through birth.

  • Gabriel

    You were made from it and your bury your head in it so you never have to think about anything you don’t like. Now you can smell like it.

  • Gabriel

    The end times are here. Smell the scent of terror.

  • Gabriel

    Because they aren’t like us. Mmm, smells spicey.

  • ubi dubius

    Zen: The smell of one hand clapping.

  • Palinesque – with the subtle smell of sulfer – because when you cling to guns nd religion, you are going to smell a bit like gunpowder.

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