Nudie Bible Institute

It’s one thing to be a fundamentalist Christian who takes the Bible literally.

But I think this is taking it too far.

The complaint:

“We are just a group of Christians and we want to hold a church service.”

Who is stopping them?

Not atheists.

Other Christians.

Apparently, naked mass just isn’t for everyone.

The Dutch naturist Christians, part of a global movement, held their first service in June, when a clothed priest presided over a nude congregation of 80 people in Zeewolde, a town in the Flevoland region of the Netherlands.

…

Christian naturists take the tale of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden as the model for their beliefs and ceremonies.

When God created man and woman, Adam and Eve were both naked and “felt no shame”, according to the Bible.

The naturists believe that as humanity’s first couple were blameless and as the Bible places no requirements to wear clothing then there is no reason for Christians to be ashamed of their naked bodies.

The first nude mass “led to a flood of threatening phone calls and emails from more orthodox Christians.” As a result, the second mass was cancelled.

It’s being rescheduled.

…

This leads us to the new contest. Winners get wristbands!

What comments were overheard during the naked mass?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

(via hoverFrog on the Friendly Atheist Forums)

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Larry Huffman

Pastor: “why is everyone in the back row?”
____________

Pastor: “OK everyone, listen up…after our last service we are going to have to have some new rules about what is to be placed in the collection plates.”
____________

Pastor: “Ms. Jones, we have not come to the kneeling part of the service yet. Please get up.”
____________

Pastor: “Our musical interlude will be presented by our choir…made up of several of our sisters, and brother Johnson…you will be able to spot him immediately.”
____________

Choir Director to choir: “Ladies, please pay attention to my baton, you are off beat.”
Jacob Dink

I think this is great. One needs the bible for morality, the claim goes. Of course, it has to be the CORRECT interpretation of the bible. But by what standards does one claim an interpretation to be incorrect? The problem extends to less harmless examples: it’s very difficult, I believe, to attack fundamentalists on biblical terms. This shows that there’s something else motivating our morality.

What an onerous predicament.
Bill M.

“Meet me in the rectory after services.”
____________________
“Who’s that playing the organ?”
Michael Russell

Altar Boy: Sorry, dad, but the pastor is larger.

—

Pastor: Well, I can see at least thirty examples of the First Deadly Sin, Lust, being committed…well, thirty-one now…

—

Pastor: Mr. Johnson, I know that Jesus said “eat of my flesh,” and I know you married a man named Jesus, but come on…
mikespeir

I knew it! Suddenly, everybody’s getting religion.
Bill M.

“By the looks of things not everyone here is Christian.”
elianara

“And now let us all enjoy the fruits of our good Lords labor, have some nuts.”

“Now, would everybody please use the back entrance, that way no accidents will happen.”
BZ

“Please don’t menstruate on the pews”
Brandon

“Spectacles, testicles, and uhm… wallet… testicles, uhhh… and watch.

And testicles again.”
Will

“Adam wasn’t circumcised, why are you?”
isaah vincent

“fucking hell this pew is cold”

“I haven’t seen this many naked Christians on their knees since ‘pray-the-gay-away day’ at Ted Haggard’s House’
Justin N

“Thy rod and thy staff comfort me…”

(Sorry, low-hanging fruit)
Vincent

Christ is risen!
llewelly

Overheard at the naturist mass: “Psst! Hey, why is the priest clothed? What sins is he hiding beneath his robes? Did he eat the fruit offered by the talking snake?”
Richard Wade

“Being forgiven, we’re not ashamed to show our shortcomings.”

“Ouch! I hope that wasn’t a wafer I just sat on.”

“Mommy, is that the snake?”

Pastor: “Genesis 45:23 says ‘And to his father he sent after this manner: ten asses laden with the good things of Egypt, and ten she-asses laden with grain and bread and provision for his father by the way.'” (Just as he said that a titter ran through the crowd.)
Lionheart

“I think God is about to talk to me, I feel my bush burning…” (probably said by a woman)
Mike

Shoot, I was too late for a “rod & staff comfort” joke, so I’ll do a similar one…

“When the hymn said Extol the stem of Jesse’s rod, you really took it literally, huh?” (the Jesse’s rod thing is a line in an old hymn “All Hail the Power of Jesus’ Name”, which I always got juvenile satisfaction from singing).
mikespeir

That was disgusting, Justin N. Absolutely disgusting! No, really, I’m not laughing! (snorlge…No!)

Aw, dang it all… 😀
Gadren

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass!”
Jim

“If your neighbors attempt to argue with you, do not mass debate!”
steve

Bare Butt’s, hot summers and skid marks……..Gives a new meaning to pew’s.
Scott Flowers

Dude, whatever you do, don’t close your eyes when you receive communion.
Mike

“If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:39 NIV)
Gadren

“Behold, I come quickly.” (Rev 22:7)
P.S.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come and let your glory be known today, Lord. We wait for you with mouths full of your praise and bodies pliant and bending to your will. We offer ourselves to you this day, Lord. Oh, yes, we just ask that you penetrate us to the depths of our being with your mighty spirit, oh Lord, and just fill us to bursting. Oh, sweet Jesus…
Chris (in Columbus)

So what exactly does that song, “Fill My Cup, Lord” really mean?
mike

“Oh for crying out loud, we’re supposed to be born-again Christians, not porn-again Christians!”

And expanding on my previous entry:
“I don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind when he said to turn the other cheek.”

And a totally horrible thought:
“Yuck! Jesus said ‘Come unto me’, not ‘come all over me’ …” (sorry)
Kela

1. Pastor: I see that a lot of you are happy to be here this morning.

2. Come kneel before me and repent

3. Forget the body of Christ. I want the body of the guy in the 3rd row.
Scott G.

“Is that a bible in your pocket or are you…oh!”
weaver

1st Woman: Did you see the size of that snake?

2nd Woman: Careful! Do not be tempted by it nor give it to your husband.

1st Woman: If it’s the Pastor’s snake, do you tihnk the sin cancels out?
Hitek

Preacher: “He is risen…”

Child: “…and so are you!”
Etc.

“I know you guys love communion, but there’s no need to press up so closely against each other in line.”
Robin

“Hey, Bill…nice penis!”

“The only bad thing about being the janitor here is having to clean all the skidmarks off of the pews.”

“I can tell you’re really, really glad to meet Barbara!”

“Shrinkage!”
Stephen M.

Sorry reverend, I left my tithing in my pants.
Epistaxis

“Please rise for the opening hymn sung by Sister Janet.”

—

“I know it seems extreme, but this was the only way to be sure no one will steal the Eucharist.”

—

“Sister Elizabeth, I see you’ve had your First Communion.”
jessa

You mis-heard me. I said it was a rousing sermon.
ubi dubius

If I had Verizon, somebody could have called and warned us about the churches in the Netherlands. Some are more, naked, than others.
ubi dubius

Now we know why the Pilgrims left the Netherlands.
ubi dubius

If we were Jewish, at least we’d each have a hat.
ubi dubius

Would somebody PLEASE turn up the heat?
Jamie G.

Back pew during silent prayer: *fart*
—
Preacher at pulpit: “Mahoney!”
—
Preacher: Anyone who wants to get “lain” in the Spirit please come to the altar now.
—
hoverFrog

After the hymn we’ll have some mulled wine and roasted nuts.

Where are you all going?
Friar_Zero

Upon seeing an impressive specimen of the human species:

Body of Christ!
Skeptigator

Preacher: “Due to the overwhelming success of last week’s Laying On of Hands for young Miss Jones we’ll be doing it again. Remember people less pushing and shoving this week to get in line.”

“First up is Old Man Jenkins”

“Anyone… anyone… anyone…”
NalosLayor

Boy, that naked statue of Jesus is so BIG!
ubi dubius

Sure it’s painful when you put it on, but after that, wearing the Sarah Palin campaign button doesn’t hurt at all.
terry

grandma: “oh jesus”
Bill M.

“Don’t look at another guys penis, don’t look at another guys penis, don’t look at another guys penis… Oh crap, now I’m gay.”

___________________
“Would the following alter boys meet the good father after services.”
John B

Female parishioner to another after looking at the other gender: ” It looks like that damned talking snake is back and this time he’s brought reinforcements!!”