Ordering A Hit on Mickey

Dateline: Anaheim, CA. Your Roving Reporter, Richard Wade

One of Islam’s top clerics, Sheikh Saleh al-Luhaidan has issued a salvo of fatwas, not only calling for the death of executives of television broadcasting companies in the Middle East but also a much more disturbing and potentially disastrous threat.

Western-style programming often in the form of soap operas have increasingly been portraying open sexuality in their dramas viewed in several Middle Eastern countries, especially Turkey and Saudi Arabia. al-Luhaidan has already made headlines for denouncing as “satanic” the Beijing Olympics which he called the “bikini Olympics” for permitting female athletes to compete in abbreviated uniforms. Trying to stem Satan’s further influence on the youth of Islam, the senior cleric and Chief Justice of Saudi Arabia’s Supreme Judicial Council has now taken a much bolder step.

He’s ordered a hit on Mickey Mouse.

Citing that Mickey Mouse has become an “awesome” character in the eyes of children and that shari’a law calls for the immediate death of all mice and other rodents, he called for the death of Mickey Mouse as an “agent of Satan.”

There is no confirmation to the rumors that the CIA and the Secret Service were in conference with executives of Disneyland in Anaheim, California and Disney World in Orlando, Florida, but unnamed sources have confirmed that Mickey is now wearing Kevlar body armor under his costume and that armed undercover agents accompany him everywhere in the amusement parks.

“The parks are a security nightmare,” said a Disney security official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The crowds are too big and anybody could have a bomb disguised as a baby or a gun or knife inside some cotton candy.” “Mickey is in real danger.” another bodyguard said. “I gotta admire his courage to keep performing, but as a security man, I wish he’d be more cautious.” When asked if he would take a bullet for Mickey, he gravely nodded his head and tears came to his eyes.

So far the White House has no official comment on the threat to one of the most beloved icons of Western culture, but sources close to the President say that he is “very concerned” for the safety of the Oscar-winning Apodemus Sylvaticus and that he has not ruled out the nuclear option as a response if any harm comes to Mickey.

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Tommy

I declared a fatwa on that sheikh bastard the other day.
ngl

i really can’t tell what’s satire and what’s real anymore. the two seem like the same thing nowadays.
Indriel

Interestingly enough, Walt Disney was a 33rd degree freemason. Anything higher and he’d be in the satanic Illuminati. I wonder if that had anything to do with it.
Epistaxis

Perhaps they’ll slip him a mickey.
SarahH

I wish I could call Poe on this.

All I can really think to say is that this represents the strongest argument yet for a fully robotic Mickey Mouse.
justin jm

How could you carry out a hit on Mickey Mouse?

I can’t think of anything… unless you wake up Walt Disney from under the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and force him to animate Mickey’s death.

(Of course, I know the cryogenic freezing urban legend is false).
Daniel

I’m with ngl, I don’t get this post. Is the sharia law edict factual? If so, why the snarky last few paragraphs? If not, why the story at all?
philosophia

…Poe’s Law really does my head in, sometimes.
Indriel

I don’t think Mickey Mouse has much to worry about. The Illuminati has bigger things on its mind right now. Did you know that George Bush, Edward Kennedy and Hillary Clinton are all in the Illuminati? Obama’s top advisor, Zbigniew Brzezinski is in the Illuminati. Al Gore is a 33rd degree freemason. And almost everyone in congress is in some kind of secret society that’s linked to the Illuminati. Somehow I think they’re more interested in controlling the election than killing Mickey.
SarahH

Is the sharia law edict factual? If so, why the snarky last few paragraphs? If not, why the story at all?

Yes, it is.

And as weird as they sound, I don’t believe the last few paragraphs are meant to sound snarky. I agree, it felt like reading something out of the Onion. But it’s an extremely odd situation.

Here’s an actual case where – in a giant amusement park with very light security – a man in a giant mouse suit could very well be the victim of religious violence.

If the parks stop letting human Mickeys perform, “the terrorists win” in a kind of real sense, for once. I mean, we’re not going to just cut out every aspect of pop culture they declare a fatwa on. We don’t follow Sharia law.
Richard Wade

Thank you, SarahH.
I hope everyone reads the link you provided because it provides a more thorough documentation than the links I found as well as a ray of hope that sanity may be creeping into the Arab world.

Poe’s law is based on two sad facts: 1. Fundamentalism (in any religion) is so ridiculous that rational people cannot understand how anyone can take it seriously, and so they begin to wonder if what they are reading is parody. 2. There are a few people who are incapable of recognizing any parody of anything.

I’m beginning to think that there are some people who think Stephen Colbert really is an ultra conservative who gives a straight news commentary. Sheikh Saleh al-Luhaiden does not seem to be able to reliably discern a clear difference between reality and fantasy, symbol or metaphor. It seems there are some people reading here who are challenged in the same way. If I have to explain that the last three paragraphs are a joke based on the reality of the first four paragraphs then they’re not going to get it anyway.
Aj

They may take our freedom, crush our spirit, but they will never take our Olympic Beach Volleyball Tournament!
Indriel

Sheikh Saleh al-Luhaiden does not seem to be able to reliably discern a clear difference between reality and fantasy, symbol or metaphor. It seems there are some people reading here who are challenged in the same way. If I have to explain that the last three paragraphs are a joke based on the reality of the first four paragraphs then they’re not going to get it anyway.

No, they’re not going to get it. And neither are those who chose insults over actual learning experiences. Sigh, they just won’t get it.
Indriel

By the way, Richard. In just a few short months you’ll wish you had been more broad minded. 🙂
Linda

hmm…
Anonymous

In just a few short months you’ll wish you had been more broad minded.

What do you mean by that? Should I buy a lottery ticket, start repenting of my sins, or what?
Indriel

Now, now, don’t panic people. Just wake up. The government is not acting in your best interests. Do research rather than laugh at those who point that out. Otherwise, just wait and see.
Indriel

One more hint people. Study martial law. Study the executive orders. And find out more about FEMA and why all our military is in Iraq and Afghanistan (and not here instead). I’m sorry I’ve been so vague. I’d rather lose my credibility than actually cause a panic. But when that panic occurs and you come back to read this, go to back to the blog – Ten Reasons Not to Believe in God. I said something significant but until this panic sets in you’re not going to listen to me. I’m going to have to go now. My postings are being messed with. Oh, and just in case my Ten Reasons comments get messed with too, they have to do with eliminating fear, not adding to it.
DisneyWorld Dude

What a bunch of nonsense. I call fatwa on dumb people.
Neales

The nuclear option to save Mickey, Walt Disney must be laughing in his grave. Quite witty that.
Sadekya

Some folks do take things so seriously. You keep that humour going, to bring them down a peg or two.
Divan Beds

Remember Hitler wanted the head of Sir Charles Chaplin, so you never know…
Rhino Roof Racks

I think a sense of humour is essential so that we do not take ourselves a tad too seriously.