How to Embarrass Yourself at the Apple Store

It’s a long process that begins in 2004.

It ends in my brown face somehow turning very red and my normally fluent speech turning into stutters.

I’ll walk you through the steps.

…

• Purchase your first iPod years ago.
• Realize you have to enter a name for your iPod when you register it.
• While thinking of names for your first iPod, try to come up with something else that is also attractive, attached to you at all times, and essentially lives inside your pants.
• Name your first iPod Jennifer Garner. Consider it a personal inside joke that no one will ever know about.
• A couple years later, buy a new iPod.
• When thinking of names for your second iPod (with video!), try to come up with something else that is unavoidable, makes others feel inferior, and will one day be the subject of laughter because we’ll remember how cool we once thought it was.
• Name your second iPod Kirk Cameron. Consider it a personal inside joke that on one will ever know about.
• A couple years later, when your cellphone contract expires, buy an iPhone.
• While thinking of names for your iPhone, try to come up with something else that you’re afraid to take out in public because you don’t want everyone pestering you about it, is a bit larger than previous models, and you will be stuck with for a couple of years whether you like it or not.
• Plug your iPhone in your computer a week later and realize your computer won’t respond to it…
• Walk into the nearest Apple Store to ask for help.
• Get excited when an employee says he should be able to fix it and plugs your iPhone into a nearby computer.
• Watch in horror as the employee moves his head closer to the iTunes screen, then slowly turns and stares at you…
• Feel very awkward when the employee asks: “Umm… did you name your iPhone Bristol Palin?”