Christian Products You Know You Want September 11, 2008

Christian Products You Know You Want

We have two of them for you today.

The first is a free service. Jesus will answer your questions!

I asked Jesus who was going to win the presidential election.

I didn’t get the response I wanted…:

Dear Hemant,

Though some of us here at do have our favorite candidate we simply cannot predict who will win. Do you have a particular candidate you would like to see win?

In light of not being able to predict the future and answer your question, here is a little background on who we are:

While going to church is a visible, tangible expression of our love and worship toward God, the majority of Christians only go to church at most once every 4 months. For those that aren’t able to go to church on a regular basis, up until now the ministries on TV might have been the only kind of spiritual nourishment that they could get. Now Just Ask Jesus is intended to provide that same spiritual nourishment to all Christians worldwide. God certainly understands the circumstances of these people that can not attend church on a regular basis, and recognizes their sincerity. Just Ask Jesus will only strengthen people’s faith everyday!

Just Ask Jesus is not meant to replace going to church. We can not say this enough. We are here to help spread the word of the Christianity. Many potential Christians will never go to church because they are scared or unsure how to go about it. Many potential believers have questions; questions about god, and their faith in religion. But, most people often feel comfortable in their home, where no one can see them if they “ask a dumb question”. Just Ask Jesus is now available to help convert these people to everyday believers and regular churchgoers.

Together we will help spread the word of our belief and we will be here for our friends and family and ourselves when we question our faith or to help spread the words to our loved ones!!

Don’t forget to vote!

God Bless,

Jesus’ followers just sent me a form letter 🙁

You may have more fun with a theological question, though.

(via Topic Agnostic)

The other is Spiritual Water… I assume to go with your communion wafers.

Man, Gatorade ain’t got nothing on Saviorade.

(Thanks to Matthew for the link!)

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  • Roland Bendlin

    ok, its not “full on” like the water, unless you pay attention. One Christian thing I crave is the food from this hamburger chain called in-n-out burgers.
    The problem is that every box, wrapping, cup and maybe even every napkin has a little bible reference on it (i.e. Revelation 3:20).
    I haven’t bought their hamburgers since I first found out. Every now and then when I drive past the joint and see the line and so on I just think to myself “I hope some big secular company buys them out and keeps the recipe the same”.

  • llewelly

    Still no flowers.

  • bob

    what’s next.. holy shit? lolololol

  • Is that spiritual water blessed by priests? If not I’ll have to cancel my order because it won’t do ANYTHING against the vampires.

  • Ubi Dubius


    Can we have a contest on best question and answer combination on “Just Ask Jesus?” We could really annoy them.


  • Is it just me, or does the “Just Ask Jesus” site seem really presumptuous? It really makes it look like you are actually directing your question to Jesus… and then they say “some of us here at”. Wait — how many Jesuses are there over there?

  • Jen

    Jesus is coming to Illinois? Might be time to move.

  • AMT

    So I decided to ask Jesus the classic “could God make a stone so heavy that even he could not lift it” question. (I know it’s played out but I was curious what they would say). And I honestly don’t understand the response:

    This has been debated on numerous occasions. The simple answer is logical fallacy. It’s sort of like Jesus going to the doctor with a back ache and the doctor tells Jesus to sit down when he does #1 since the doctor doesn’t want him lifting anything heavy…
    Hope that answers your question.
    God Bless,

    That is their answer in its entirety, and I just don’t get it. I mean are they saying that Jesus has to sit to pee because his manparts are so big? Cause that’s what it sounds like to me. Honestly, I have no idea what to think of this.

  • Andrew C.

    I asked Jesus what band he thought was better; The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.

    He said Stones.

    I guess John’s words still hurt.

  • Mriana

    This puts new meaning to a Donna Summer song, I think it was “State of Independence”, in which she says, “Like Holy Water to my lips.” 😆

    Now the “Just Ask Jesus” one… Guess Jesus doesn’t know everything. 😆

  • That website reminds me of this picture:
    (original link)

  • Richard Wade

    This is FRAUD! I am outraged! Who the hell are these “we” characters? Where’s JESUS? It says we can ask JESUS anything we want! How come some “we” chumps come in and answer a personal email to JESUS? It’s none of their business! Shaddup, I wanna hear from JESUS! Did they hijack JESUS’ email? What’s goin’ on, some kinda spiritual spyware, or a Trinity Trojan? Did they steal His laptop or figure out His password? Probably was somethin’ too easy like “blessed” or “verily.” Where the hell is JESUS?

    Y’know, how come it’s ALWAYS some chump talking’ for JESUS, every single frikkin’ time? I’ve stood on mountain tops and yelled for JESUS, called JESUS on the phone and had to leave messages, sent faxes to JESUS, mailed postcards to JESUS, written and sent letters to JESUS with sufficient postage, spelled out HEY JESUS on the ground in big letters with stones, paid an Indian guy to smoke signal JESUS, broadcast by radio in voice and Morse code to JESUS, left my business card for JESUS with his receptionist and even watched her fill out a “While you were out” slip, had a psychic lady show me how to telepathically contact JESUS, learned how to sign “Yo, JESUS” in sign language, put several ads in the classified asking for JESUS and leaving my address and phone number, talked a boy scout into doing a semaphore message to JESUS and now I’ve even emailed to JESUS on His very own personal email and still every frikkin’ time it’s some JESUS stand-in, JESUS stunt double, some wannabe, some flunky talkin’ for JESUS, sayin’ JESUS will be right out, only fifteen minutes like the hostess in every restaurant you ever went to says it’ll only be fifteen minutes to get you a table, and you never thought you could starve to death in fifteen minutes but it’s the same eternal fifteen minutes you’ve been waiting for JESUS, some announcer on the P.A. sayin’ JESUS’s flight was delayed, JESUS is stuck in traffic, JESUS is indisposed, JESUS sends His regrets, but won’t you please enjoy our nice waiting room, book store and gift shop while you wait for JESUS, who should be arriving any time now, tonight’s performance of JESUS will not be played by Himself but by His understudy, the Reverend so-in-so, we regret any inconvenience and hope you enjoy the show anyway, we know you came to see JESUS but He can’t make it, His mom is sick, He got a flat, He’s being audited, He was captured by pirates, His dog ate His PowerPoint presentation and He’d rather reschedule instead of making an appearance unprepared, one frikkin’ excuse after another for two thousand years why we have to put up with human beings yammering on and on about JESUS instead of the real, bona fide, genuine, one-of-a-kind, one and only, actual, unadulterated JESUS!

    Good thing He’s real or I’d begin to have my doubts.

  • Confession time. I went through a brief phase during which I, as an atheist, collected this sort of Jesus crap just for the humor value. Yeah, I know that meant I was spending money to support these morons, but I just couldn’t help it. I’m still not completely over it, but I’ve managed to limit myself to the most tacky, absurd Jesus stuff I encounter. And I’ve managed not to buy anything for at least a year.

  • Sanity:

    That website reminds me of this picture:
    (original link)

    Ahem. Clicking on that link doesn’t take me to a picture, but to a site that is very NSFW.

  • You know what would make that Spiritual Water awesome? If it turned into wine when you poured it into a glass.

  • Jesus won’t answer me.

    I asked “Why did God kill Uzzah?”, a classic theodicy dilemma.

    My question was confirmed, but no answer.

  • mikespeir

    Jesus won’t answer me.

    I asked “Why did God kill Uzzah?”, a classic theodicy dilemma.

    My question was confirmed, but no answer.

    Not even a “That does not compute!”?

  • sc0tt

    I asked what his views were on stem cell research and frozen embryos.

    Gave a valid e-mail address and responded to the verification.

    No response yet (>24 hours)… I guess I stumped him.

  • You can always ask God your questions via twitter:

  • I asked Jesus a question a few days ago and he never replied. It must have been a tough question for him…

  • I asked, “If God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good, then why are there birth defects, pediatric cancer, natural disasters, etc.”

    I haven’t yet gotten an answer.

    Just like in real life.

  • I finally got an answer to my “Why did God kill Uzzah?”

    “Because he touched the ark”

    Well, I knew that. But when you kill someone, a better reason is required, of course. I mean Uzzah was just trying to keep the ark from falling, a normal reaction any one would have.

    I guess Jesus is a rather literal guy.

  • It’s weird because though Jesus’ team answers the questions, Jesus Himself seems to be the man behind the curtain…after I got my email from Him, He also posted it as a comment on Topic Agnostic! And the email it came from was!

    Maybe the whole ‘we’ thing is a cover in case he doesn’t know an answer. He can blame it on his lame research staff.

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