One-Liners

From the list of Top Ten one-liners from the Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe arts festival this past weekend is this one from comedian Tom Stade:

“I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.”

…

This bit from Daniel Miessler is a bit more than a one-liner, but it is a short, quick response to the claim made by Pastor Rick Warren and others that “atheism is arrogant”:

Let me get this straight. You think the Creator of the Universe cares personally about your life, and that you know, with absolute certainty, what he wants for all of humankind.

While I think that we’re basically alone, not very special, and are just fumbling through our random existence trying to do the best we can.

And I’m the arrogant one?

…

Finally, Adrian‘s been getting a lot of attention for his compilation of 101 Atheist Quotations, many of which I hadn’t heard before. Here are a few of my new favorites:

I’m a polyatheist — there are many gods I don’t believe in. – Dan Fouts

If all the Christians who have called other Christians “not really a Christian” were to vanish, there’d be no Christians left. — Anonymous

Gods dont kill people. People with Gods kill people. — David Viaene

Are there others you like that are not on his list?

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Alycia

I thought the quote was “The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray,” said by Ingersoll.

And they left out the funniest bit of that Douglas Adams one:

“I refuse to prove that I exist,” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”
“But,” says Man, “the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED”
“Oh dear,” says God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
aml

You might like Hayes Carll’s song ‘She Left Me for Jesus’ (country warnin’)

http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/carll-hayes/she-left-me-for-jesus-24684.html

Here’s the chorus

She left me for Jesus, and that just aint fair
She says that He’s perfect, how could I compare
She says I should find him and I’ll know peace at last
If I ever find Jesus, I’m kicking his ass
pen_devil

David Cross: “So I was watching this show, oh what’s that show called, you know, the one that has that guy on stage, and people think that he can talk to spirits and dead people…”
audience: “Crossing Over!” “Crossing Over!”
David Cross: “No, no, no; it was church.”
moresc0de

Paul Provenza: You never hear about an atheist going on a multi-state killing spree because no god didn’t call to tell him not to.
Ben

“I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.” – William H. Gascoyne
j swift

Arrogant? I always thought believing you have a personal relationship Jesus, being indwellt with another manifestation of the same God that allows you to fathom the Bible and other wonders, having the gift or promise of eternal life and getting to stand with God while he goes apocalyptic on unbelievers is well pretty arrogant.

In fact these claims are pretty much saying you are semi-divine and that is very arrogant.
Sanity

“It is an interesting and demonstrable fact, that all children are atheists and were religion not inculcated into their minds, they would remain so”
– Ernestine Rose
Gabriel

What a great list. I feel so relaxed and at peace right now. It’s like I just had a great meditation session followed by a really good massage. I’m not alone in this world and a lot of the atheists in it are very smart.
Postman

Stade and Miessler sound like my kind of guys. But the David Cross bit, above, is the hands-down winner.
Jason

Didn’t Ray Comfort compare himself to Einstein recently? Wouldn’t that be the epitome of arrogance?
Steve

“Catholicism is like Alcoholics Anonymous… For guilt.” – A co-worker
Tom M

We need to start re-arranging the letters on church signs to form the highly intelligent and funny atheist quotes from the page linked in the article.
SmilingAtheist

George Carlin: “When it comes to bullshit, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion, no contest.”

That’s one of my favourites. Unfortunately didn’t make the list.
chancelikely

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? –Douglas Adams
Allytude

A Theist to Atheist- Little space, Huge difference- the right way.
Bill M.

A few of my favorites:

“It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we’re dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.”
Frank Zappa
_____________________________
“All thinking men are atheists.”
Ernest Hemingway
_____________________________
“Do not pass by my epitaph, traveler.
But having stopped, listen and learn, then go your way.
There is no boat in Hades, no ferryman Charon,
No caretaker Aiakos, no dog Cerberus.
All we who are dead below
Have become bones and ashes, but nothing else.
I have spoken to you honestly, go on, traveler,
Lest even while dead I seem loquacious to you.”
Found on an old Roman tombstone.
Jeff Satterley

“Man is tormented by no greater anxiety than to find someone quickly to whom he can hand over that great gift of freedom with which the ill-fated creature is born.”
– Fyodor Dostoevsky

Bill, I want that on my tombstone when I die
Axegrrl

“a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is: ‘suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!!’ ”

~ Kathy Griffin
Zach

I hope I have this right:

“Imagine the temerity of man, to think that his creator is worthy of praise”
I believe this is from Ingersoll.
Also,
“Religion is a powerful tool for controlling the masses”
Napoleon
ksmiles

Another very long list, containing many duplicates, but also some different:
http://dailyatheistquote.com/list.aspx

My personal favorite is Pope Leo X, “It has served us well, this myth of Christ.”
Brian

Here’s a large collection of atheist quotes on t-shirts!

Atheist Quotes
Brian

Alright you ignorant atheists… if there is no god, then HOW DOES THE SUN KEEP ORBITING THE EARTH? BAM!

You see people, that’s how you deal with atheist skum. With LOGIC! Hit that bullseye and the rest of the dominoes will come down like a house of cards… CHECKMATE!

And on that note…

Dunt dun duuh DAAAAHHHH!

!!!!!!!!!MY ATHEIST STORE!!!!!!!!!

Aristotle’s Muse

This is my store. Maybe wearing an atheist T-shirt won’t change the world, but enough of them just might.
Stoopered

Gravity. Einstein proved this with basic observation and mathematics. Thats logic. Then he proved it. Science and critical thinking is a better tool then a 1900 year old book, based on 4000 year old beliefs.
Stoopered

Also the earth orbits the sun. Big difference.
Pete

How come a lot of US Americans dont get irony?