Friendly Atheist Contest #34: Worst Ways to Come Out as an Atheist August 25, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #34: Worst Ways to Come Out as an Atheist

Last time, I ran this contest:

This weekend is the Atheist Coming Out Party in Columbus, OH.

This raises the question:

What is the worst way to come out as an atheist?

It can be a statement, a dialogue/scene, a sign, etc. The question is open to interpretation!

Here are the Top 5 ways (with submitters):


In poster form:



Worst coming out speech:

“I accept your nomination for President of the United States and look forward to becoming the first atheist to serve in the White House.”

(ubi dubius)


I wouldn’t recommend coming out to ones mom like I did mine, although I doubt it is the worst way it could be done. My mom was going on about religion and wouldn’t let it go and I said “Good grief, Mom, I stopped believing in god not long after I stopped believing in Santa Clause!”. She stopped talking at that moment.



So there I was, hanging out with Pat Robertson, Rick Perry, and Fred Phelps on a hunting trip deep in backwoods Alabama, to which I said “Boy, who would imagine an atheist would get the chance to hang out with all of you!”



Trip and fall onto a table, crushing a plate of communion wafers, the other end of the table flips up and a bible flies into the fireplace and is consumed by flames and also the table hits a woman holding a baby and it soars straight into an open microwave oven. Throw up your arms and exclaim “It’s ok! I’m an atheist!”


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

Atheists were not invited to the Democratic National Convention’s Interfaith Gathering.

What other events are atheists not being invited to? Why not?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

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  • Ian

    Ray Comfort’s birthday party, because he still doesn’t think atheists exist.

  • So this knock-out babe and I were having a pretty good time, you know what I mean, and just as things were really rocking, she starts screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!” So I explained to her, how there is no god, and … Now I’m sitting on my ass in the hallway outside her apartment, and she just threw my clothes out after me, and the old lady across the hall just called the police…

  • ubi dubius

    Party. Saturday. 11 pm. Third foxhole on the right.

  • The Rapture.

  • ubi dubius

    That’s not right. There were two atheists at my last Rapture.

  • ubi dubius

    No wait. It was only one.

  • TXatheist

    I like Jewel’s entry. It amazes me how some people will react to saying your an atheist because in their mind they don’t realize some people are atheists and don’t have horns.

  • Ubi Dubium

    Baby Christenings. They’re tired of having us show up with a carving knife and ketchup.

  • The Pope’s funeral. Why? Because we’re atheists!

  • Gabriel

    Atheists are often welcome in the foxhole. As long as they have a rifle, ammo and grenades and aren’t bumming them off of the theists.

  • Jordan

    Atheists are never invited to the after party for the Westminster Best-in-Show.

    They don’t believe in dog.

  • Epistaxis

    A friend of mine from the Army used to say that atheists dig the best foxholes.

  • Jeff Satterley

    Ubi Dubium:

    Ketchup at church?? No wonder your not invited. Christenings are fancy affairs, I’d go with a red wine and mushroom reduction.

  • Jeff Satterley

    Bah, I meant “you’re” not “your.” I hate that!

  • Gabriel

    The RNC national convention. After all they have plank of their platform calling on the eradication of all atheist and the preservation of America as an evangelical christian nation in keeping with the founders philosophy of state sponsored religion.

  • Hey, for some reason, I didn’t think I’d win. But I used the email that I never, ever check. Any chance you could send how I’d get the pretty bracelet to the email that I do pay attention to? :-p

    fps dot jason at gmail dot com

    Thanks Hemant!

  • Anthony

    Ecuador’s 11th Annual Curved Yellow Fruit Enthusiast Convention: too many atheist attendees experiencing horrendous nightmares.

  • Awesomesauce

    Sheikh Abdullah Ramadan’s school of Jihad potluck and ice cream social.

  • Baby shower. No idea why not.

  • Elementary school spaghetti dinners. You never know when an atheist is really a closet Pastafarian. They just run around making sure everyone is “touched by his noodle-y appendage” which only ends in tomato stains and tears*

    *It should be noted, however, that all elementary school spaghetti dinners end this way.

  • ubi dubius

    My family reunion. But I sneak in anyway.

  • ubi dubius

    Corpus Christi, Texas. They got tired of PZ trying to stick a huge nail through the town and covering the streets with coffee grounds and banana peels.

  • Zach

    I was kicked out of being a chapel rope in the Air Force because I told them I was an atheist. Chapel ropes were a non denominational group that were supposed to counsel people who were having personal difficulties. I only signed up because chapel ropes did not have to march to class, and could walk on their own instead.

  • Robin

    We won’t be invited to the SkyBox in heaven with the really nice view of all the non-Christians roasting in Hell for all eternity.

  • Atheists are not invited to cross burnings, clinic bombings or quilting bees.

  • KKK Meetings. We’re fine with burning crosses but not if it’s racially motivated.

  • Roland B.

    Christian Catholic give a condom day jubilee.

  • Pat Robertson’s funeral. Every atheist that approaches the casket checks the body for a pulse.. Just to make sure..

  • Matt

    I must have missed my invite to The Republican Convention

    I didn’t hear from any of the Phelps kids for their dad’s birthday party either.

  • Nicole

    We’re never invited to the anual Cannibal’s Buffet, because they know we’ll steal all the best baby-meat.

  • Ian

    Heaven (click to see motivational poster version that we all know Hemant likes).

  • Exorcisms. Unless we’re the guest of honor.

  • Heaven! (edit… pipped to the post!)

    Hell! (thank heavens!)

    Well it’s more so somewhere we’re invited but won’t ever attend!

  • A Dianetics audit. Not that we’d accept such an invitation.

  • A Catholic Christening- we eat the babies and desecrate the wafers.

  • The big donors banquet at the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

    P.S. The Rapture actually already happened about 1970 years ago. Nobody went up. God went into retirement.

  • Weaver

    What other events are atheists not being invited to? Why not?

    Life in general – we don’t respect God’s creation


    Discovery of a new planet with some form of life – they don’t want us to say “I told you so” at the realisation that humans are not unique.

  • Roxanne

    The Harvest Crusades

    The missing babies booth just can’t handle the traffic of parents looking for their kids.

  • Dan

    The second coming

  • Joe

    A bit late to weigh in, but I agree that Krista wins by a wide margin.

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