My Package June 17, 2008

My Package

By Guest Contributor
June 17, 2008

No, this isn’t about the Skepdude calendar.

There was a FedEx truck outside my place this morning… someone dropped off a package:

pack1.jpg

That was strange. I wasn’t expecting a package…

I shook it. It didn’t make any ticking sounds.

So I figured I was safe.

I went to a table and opened it up.

pack2.jpg


pack3.jpg


pack4.jpg

An MP3 player? That’s a surprising delivery. I would’ve remembered ordering one of those…

Then I flipped it over and unwrapped it.

pack5.jpg


pack6.jpg

AHH! It’s an iGod!

But who sent this oddly-perfect gift?

pack7.jpg

Nothing in the box… No name… no card… nothing on the address label…

It seems I have an anonymous giver of Christian gifts!

(***Update***: The gift is from (atheist) Bjorn! He found it at the terrific Tanga website.)

At Bjorn’s suggestion, this seems like a perfect giveaway.

The real question is: Who wants the iGod?

And what contest should we hold to determine the winner?

Your suggestions are appreciated 🙂


[tags]atheist, atheism, Christian, cross, Jesus[/tags]

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  • Loki, preserve me. I would rather listen to Grand Funk Railroad’s Greatest Hits every day for the rest of my life than strap that thing around my neck. It is so far beyond tacky, it almost transcends the entire concept of tackiness.

    If you have a contest, I think the loser should get it.

  • Charles

    Honestly now, it may be tacky, but I’ll gladly take it off your hands.

  • Give it to the hottest atheist chick who would seriously consider using it as a dildo.

    Baby Jesus would surely cry. 😉

  • Of course: The “I win” competition. You know the rules:

    I win.

  • Mary Jenkins

    my husband turned into super christian after we got married. he’d probably wear it in all seriousness. i support his beliefs and he my lack there of… you got to give a holy roller some mad props for that.

  • Matt

    Since it’s an mp3 player, how about the best “Song to Crucify By”?

    @Evolved Rationalist: why does it have to be a hot atheist *chick*?

  • Matt,

    Because I’m one.

  • The other night I had a dream that Friendly Atheist was sponsoring an orgy to raise money for skeptic groups. People could watch online by paying for certain famous skeptics of their choice, and then the skeptic who raised the most money won and got a prize (not specified in my dream).

    OBVIOUSLY the fact that the prize was not specified is a sign that it should have been the iGod!!!

    …Or it means I have an overactive, perverted imagination that incorporates parts of my every day life. …I’m going to go sit shamefully in the corner now, kthx

  • Rawley

    Dude!

    I so want one.

    It’s like the epitome of anti-christian…pure science wrapped up in a cross package.

  • Brandon

    sell it on ebay and donate the proceeds to a skeptic charity

  • Siamang

    Those photos are a reenactment, aren’t they?

    I mean, who photographs all the successive stages of opening a package with the presumed intent of blogging about it before they know if what’s in it is interesting at all?

    Either this is a reenactment, or you’re some weird obsessive-compulsive photographer. In that case, please post last wednesday’s 25 picture photo-essay on the steps it takes to make a bowl of cornflakes.

  • AMT

    Um, I would LOVE an iGod. And any contest in which you don’t have to be particularly witty, clever or creative would be perfect for me. 🙂

  • Siamang

    #

    @Evolved Rationalist: why does it have to be a hot atheist *chick*?

    Evolved Rationalist said,

    Matt,

    Because I’m one.

    Trollling for page hits, I see. 😉

  • Siamang,

    Nope. There isn’t a photo of my boobs, er, of myself on my blog that would enable horny nerds to jack off to.

    You FAIL.

  • Kat

    That thing is so awesome! I wanted one since the first time you posted about it. I thought it was a joke though. Haha
    But anyway, I would rock that out so fierce! I’d fill it up with all my loud obnoxious metal music, some Slayer, Ozzy, every loud band that they’ve said are satanists just for the pure fun of it…lmao

    I mean, who photographs all the successive stages of opening a package with the presumed intent of blogging about it before they know if what’s in it is interesting at all?

    Um. I actually do this because I’ve gotten some way cool gifts before and found doing a re-enactment would be cheesy.
    I take pics every step of the way just in case what’s in the box is truly the awesome and must be blogged. 😀

  • mythprogrammer

    Crack that little puppy out of that case and put it in a new evolution fish case 🙂

  • Siamang

    Hey, you were the one offering to go all Linda Blair on that ipod.

  • GOD

    I God, not iGod.

    Its the AntiChrist.

    If I meant you to use headphones I would not have created you with ears.

  • anon

    Sweet! How about a contest where players must find the #1 MOST HILARIOUS Christian video.

    Greta Christiana: I’ve been visiting your blog for about 4 months now, I had no idea you were on FriendlyAtheist. Nice to see you. =)

    Also, what’s with the extremely low quality image header at the top?

  • I. Love. Tacky. Jesus. Stuff.

    That being said, I think the contest should be:
    Pretend you work for a company that makes tacky religious products. Come up with an idea for a tacky religious product that would appeal to both believers and atheists, but for completely different reasons.

  • I think Brandon’s got it. I will say that if I somehow end up with it, I promise to load it with only the most Satanic, nihilistic, and anti-Christian metal music, and wear it upside-down.

  • Quinton

    To the first question: Everyone

    To the second: What are the first five songs you would put on your iGod?

  • Stephen

    Whoever posts the best “coming out to their parents atheist” story.

  • Julie Marie

    well, just what I need! my rolling brick of a minivan finally died on me, so I had an excuse to go out and choose another car. the one I chose has an integrated ipod docking station (or port or whatever) anyways… I was going to go out and get an ipod just so I could maximize the functionality of my new car 🙂 The personal irony of an iGod tickles my funnybone.

  • I vote for citizen Steve’s idea:
    “Pretend you work for a company that makes tacky religious products. Come up with an idea for a tacky religious product that would appeal to both believers and atheists, but for completely different reasons.”

  • pinoy atheist

    Does it only play religious music?

  • I’d love to have that MP3 player, but I wouldn’t keep it for myself. I have a couple iPods and an iPod Touch. However I have a good friend who is a pastor and a industrial chemical salesman. He spends many hours each week on the road driving to different businesses in different towns and states.

    I’d love to fill it up with books on tape for him to listen to while he’s driving. (I’ll sneak some subversive stuff in there I always do, but he’s a reall religious scholar and he’d actually listen to The God Delusion if I gave it to him.)

    As to how to give it away, I would go with a non-skill based contest and simply give it away at random to anyone who is willing to send you their name, home address, e-mail address, and telephone number. you might want to make it a mail in contest to avoid ballot stuffing, but e-mailing the info works too.

    Regards,
    -Benjamin

  • Siamang

    Re: steve’s idea.

    Jesus welcome mat?

  • John

    To borrow/paraphrase an idea I heard about on Church of the Churchless, what about the most creative renunciation of the Holy Spirit?

    What, nothing?

  • @Matt said

    “why does it have to be a hot atheist *chick*?”

    Because most of us don’t want to see a “hot atheist guy who would seriously consider using it as a dildo.”

  • Jen

    I think you should give it me because I may be the only person in the universe that doesn’t have an Ipod or mp3 player.

    The contest can be some sort of sham.

  • BK

    I have to agree with @Greta Christina – this should be the consequence for losing a bet.

    Another option – load it up with some Tool, NIN, Tori Amos, Marilyn Manson, Black Flag/Henry Rollins, Rage Against the Machine and the like and donate to a church charity auction (yes, I know some of them are in to the irrational spiritual thing, but they sure piss off the Christian “right” – I also realize it isn’t very “friendly” but I’m a sucker for humor).

    Are there any atheist rockers out there (other than the well known crowd)?

  • Either this is a reenactment, or you’re some weird obsessive-compulsive photographer. In that case, please post last wednesday’s 25 picture photo-essay on the steps it takes to make a bowl of cornflakes.

    Siamang, I take a camera with me everywhere I go… Jogging this morning? Pictures. My math class tonight? Pictures. Where do you think my pose for the Skepdude calendar came from? 🙂

    Ok, perhaps there was a *bit* of re-enactment…

    Also, what’s with the extremely low quality image header at the top?

    I’m working on that… it’ll change soon.

  • contest: create a playlist that will cause the igod to implode.

  • Okay. I’m a little slow on the uptake today. This is about the third time I’ve seen this post… and I just now got the joke in the subject line and the first sentence. My “filthy- minded atheist” credibility is definitely on the line. D’oh!

  • With this iGod you can really hear the voice of the Lord.

  • Bad

    Hmmmm. I like the name “GodPod” better.

  • According to modern Christian theology, “I” and “God” are diametrically opposed. It is supposed to be all about “God” and denying the “I”. To form a word with both “I” and “God” is humorous. GodPod is also funny.

  • Beowulff

    Give it to someone who promises to mod it such that it will be upside down – he or she will have to flip all the buttons, the display, any lettering, etc.

  • “I” and “God” are diametrically opposed. It is supposed to be all about “God” and denying the “I”.

    But Jeff, the “i” is a lowercase I, or a “little I”. Little i, big God. It’s perfectly Christian.

  • SarahH

    I think people have a right to do pretty much whatever they want with their personal property, as long as it doesn’t harm other people.

    Having said that, I think actively supporting the idea of, say, using it as a dildo or “desecrating” it in other ways is completely counter to what this site is about. I was really surprised to read some of the comments on this entry.

    The cross as a Christian symbol is something I’ve always felt weird about (given that so many people besides the historical Jesus were crucified for all sorts of reasons, many of them having nothing to do with religion), but I don’t see why you guys would want to set out to put particularly offensive-to-Christians music on it or shove it into bodily orifices. That seems a) immature, b) insensitive, to say the least, and c) like it serves absolutely no purpose except to amuse the atheists here who are the least “friendly” and the most alienating and mean.

    It’s not like it’s a “God hates fags” mp3 player. Would we be talking this way if the symbol involved was a star of David? Or a Wiccan or Hindu symbol? I understand the anger about what certain Christian influences have done in politics and education. I know what it’s like to be afraid to come out and to face idiots. But I don’t see the connection between an mp3 player shaped like a cross and any of that. Once again, it’s unfair lumping. Sure, the thing might be tacky or over-the-top. But I think the reactions about are mostly tacky and WAY over-the-top.

    Before I read the comments, I was going to suggest that the “contest” could involve nominating a theist or atheist friend who’s helping to advance understanding and tolerance between religious (or religious and non-religious) populations. I was thinking we could all write about friends who might appreciate the humor but who also have done some work towards healing strained or hostile relationships between different ideological groups, and the winner’s nominee could get the iGod and the nominator could get a bracelet or something.

    But I don’t know if people would be interested in that kind of contest.

  • Keith

    As far as contests go, having people propose other iPods that could be sold in series with the iGod could be funny:

    1 – The instruments of death series – in addition to the cross-shaped iGod, there is the iChair (runs on a car battery), the iLethalInjection (with real shoot-up action), the iFiringSquad (put in eight songs, but only one of them will actually play), and of course the iHangman (wear it around your neck).

    2 – The iconic religious symbols series – in addition to the cross-shaped iGod, we have the iGoldPlates (which much be returned within one year of purchase), the iHijab (nothing other than the screen can ever be shown in public), and the iSpaghettiMonster (with authentic garlic bread carrying case and realistic flying action).

    Any case, if I were to win the iGod, I pledge to mock it as an example of where Christianity acts like a brand, instead of a sacrificial way of life that makes the world a better place. Thanks, Hemant.

  • A.

    I think that contestants should dress up in the religious garb of their choice and stand on a corner to collect money for charity. Whomever collects the most money, wins the iGod!

  • Sorry Hemant, nice try.

    I for one cannot be so easily fooled. In the absence of any actual evidence, I am completely skeptical about the existence of your iGod. Your story about “finding” it on your doorstep is an interesting anecdote (reminiscent of Joseph Smith and his golden plates), but as we know, anecdotes are not evidence. As for the character known as “Bjorn” (a name worthy of L. Ron Hubbard), you offer no more evidence for his existence than you do for iGod.

    Your photos are nice, but they hardly provide the kind of evidence reason would require. You’re going to have to do a lot better than this.

    For the moment, I remain an i-Theist.

  • Dildo!!

    *moans*

  • Jason

    Evolved Rationalist – I think you are on to something. Something… big. Really….. big…… Awesomely……..big……….Big…….