Post Rapture Pets June 13, 2008

Post Rapture Pets

There’s been talk recently of those websites which automatically send a letter to the “unsaved” in the case of the Rapture. If the Christian webmasters don’t log in for a week, it is assumed the Rapture has happened and emails are sent out accordingly.

But the real question in all this is: What do Christians do with their heathen Left-Behind pets?

There are some temporary options:

  • Pet Sitters
    • You should have multiple back up sitters available in case your primary sitter is taken up in the Rapture.
    • You’ll also need some kind of system to alert them that you’ve been taken up. You’ll probably need to have some kind of prepayment plan, since you won’t be around to write checks.
    • For advice on picking a pet sitter, check out Evaluation
  • Pet Food
    • You’ll need some kind of auto dispenser as well. The Rapture and Tribulation times will be very chaotic, so something with a battery backup may be a good idea.
    • This should only be needed for a short time assuming you’ve made other arrangements for them through a sitter or friends.

But we all know those are short term solutions. How do you care for your pets in the long run?

You need to give your pets to someone who will definitely not be Raptured.

Like atheists and Hindus.

No, really. There’s a mathematical formula and everything:

Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 – Rapture Index)

In other words, how Suitable you are to care for the unsaved pets depends on how Reliable you are and how unlikely you are to get Raptured.

Let’s see the full list:

Religion Rapture Index Reliability Index Comments
Atheist 0 90 Not going to be Raptured. Will probably think the whole thing is an alien abduction. Ask to see PETA membership card.
Buddhist 0 30 Many Buddhists are Asian and could consider dogs/cats to be ‘game’
Hindu 0 90 Unlikely to eat pet. It could be their reincarnated uncle.
Mormon 20 70 ‘Extended Family’ makes pet care easy!
Catholic 30 70 Guilt based reliability. Won’t be Raptured unless Pope says it’s okay.
Jewish 0/50 80 First number is for Reform Jews. Second is for Orthodox. Both have practiced ‘guilt based’ reliability for thousands of years longer than Catholic.
Baptist 60 60 Probably will get Raptured and probably would take care of your pet.
First Baptist 70 50 More likely to be Raptured. May accidentally drown pet at mass baptism.
Southern Baptist 80 40 Pretty likely to be Raptured. Will write strong letter to congressman if not. Could take frustration out on pet.
Pentecostal 90/100 30/0/100 First number is standard Pentecostal. Second is for snake handling version. The third number is for if your pet is a snake, and they are snake handlers.
Satanist 0 0 Not going to be Raptured under any circumstances. Will be very busy with ‘Tribulation’ parties. You probably don’t want your pet going to one of those.

It’s so scientific and mathematical! How can you deny it?!

[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Hemant,

    School must be out in Chicago as well, eh? You really need to get out more… go to the beach… 😉

  • That is so offensive to Asians. And I can’t tell if it’s real. I call poe’s law.

  • Siamang

    Poe baby, Poe.

    There’s some knowing winks in there.

  • It’s clearly wrong. Atheist is listed as a religion. It’s like a house of cards from there on.

  • Richard Wade

    I like the idea of the prepayment plan. They could send me checks on a monthly basis as a retainer. Any provision for unraptured babies, kids and the elderly?

  • Kinda funny up until the Asians-eating-dogs-and-cats joke, which ruined it for me. Come on, it’s the 21st century, we can do better.

  • Snake handling …? A good reason to keep organized prayer out of schools.

    If the rapture happens, those snakes will be loose in a public school.

  • LMAO! Awesome Hermant!

    I would carry this further and say fundies should not be allowed to own pets. Planning on abandonment is not suitable to good pet parenting. lol

  • Anthony

    Peta? Yuck. I’d much rather be accused of fine baby dining.

  • Danielle

    Atheist reliability index would still be pretty high for kids and the elderly…but for babies it would totally be zero….because babies are obviously delicious.

  • Wes

    miller said,

    June 13, 2008 at 11:38 am

    That is so offensive to Asians. And I can’t tell if it’s real. I call poe’s law.

    It’s clearly a parody. I don’t think there’s any need to evoke Poe’s law here.

  • cipher

    Pretty likely to be Raptured. Will write strong letter to congressman if not.

    It has to be a parody. If not – it really ought to be illegal to be this dumb.

  • MathMike

    This leaves me with the question of how much to charge? I think I’ll set it up like a pre-paid funeral service. You can come by a decide which one of my raptured neighbors homes you would like your pet to live out eternity in. charge by the number of rooms in the home, and it’s proximity to my home.

  • Jen

    I really do think there is good money to be made on this rapture business.

    Although- do you want to be raptured by a god that hates your pets?

  • Awesomesauce

    Hey >:(
    My girlfriend is Asian!!!

    She also laughed her ass off when she read this.

  • I think a mistake has been made here. Didn’t the bible say that the rapture would be “soon”? Given this overwhelming evidence it is clear to me that the rapture occured at least 1900 years ago. We’ve missed the rapture express.

  • mikespeir

    If he were any kind of decent god, he’d save and “rapture” the pets, too. Then this would be a non-issue.

  • Where does that leave the liberal Christians?

    Personally, I think have the same chance as atheists. I think I’m going to start up a petsitting business….

  • Cathleen

    Lord love a duck….really. I just heard about this today on the Stephanie Miller Show on Air America. Thought it was a joke, still not absolutely certain. Because I am a Lesbian, living in a committed relationship, its a given I won’t make the cut therefore, 1). How much should we charge and 2) Where do we sign up?

  • Sherri

    Christain here, who says that God, in his infinite wisdom didn’t
    plan for animals to be there too? Perhaps believing in Jesus deity
    as a prerequisite to being “raptured” & spending eternity in Heaven
    only applies to those with cognitive ability.
    I believe that my God is big enough & loving enough to plan for
    my animals as well as for me. 😉

  • Ok, I’m a little out of my box here as a Christian, however one with a sense of humor. That was funny and creative!

    All have a great weekend!!

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