New Friendly Atheist Contest June 13, 2008

New Friendly Atheist Contest

Alright, so you all didn’t like the art contest very much. There were too few entries to rank.

But we’ll try another question and get this back on track!

Ray Comfort says he has retired the Banana Argument.

If that’s the case, what will be the atheists’ new worst nightmare?

This time, you’re not just playing for wristbands!

Reader Josh has donated hardcover copies of Christopher HitchensGod Is Not Great and Richard DawkinsThe God Delusion.

The winner gets first pick!

[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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  • Siamang

    Ray’s mustache.

  • awh

    I think the answer is obvious.

    Sugar Canes. Think about it. These plants are, like atheists say, products of evolution. But they are so delicious. Why would the plant be here today if it were so delicious? All the humans would just eat them up! Therefore, sugar must be a gift from God. A very precious gift that cannot be explained by evolution.

    Praise Him and Repent.

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the Forty-Fourth President of the United States, Dr. Kent Hovind!

  • I think that getting a rapture letter in the mail would make me lose some sleep.

  • Zack

    Justice Scalia

  • The new atheist nightmare is:


    You know… Fit so well in the ass hand, you can carry it easily, it’s from Brazil, and these same other things from banana… Makes sense, no?

    Well, it could be too:

    Traffic Light

    You know… Green for wait, Yellow for good and Red for getting your ass to the hell bad.

    Cucumber or Spinach

    Because taste so well that children from all the world will kill their parents to get their wallet to buy more loves it.

    Or maybe is…


    You know… This is the best fruit that god ever invented!

  • Daryl

    I’m sure the next step would be puddles of mud.

    “Looks at this puddle of mud. We’re going to run 10,000 VOLTS THROUGH IT!

    Can you see? No life form has sprung of it. Where’s the dinosaurs? How are they gonna give birth to the monkeys that give birth to humans? huh? HUH?

    Proof of a designer, I think SO!”

  • Wait, I thought peanut butter was the new atheist’s nightmare?

  • I dunno. My worst atheist nightmare is still the one where evil magical balloon animals were trying to kill my girlfriend.

    No, seriously.

  • RobL

    President Mike Huckabee?

  • Clowns. Oh, wait. Those are just my worst nightmare. And now I have to worry about evil magical balloon animals. Thanks a lot Greta Christina.

  • sam

    A head of lettuce is now the atheist´s nightmare. Peal away each layer and what do you got? An empty soul.

  • The atheists’ new worst nightmare is water.

    Because water expands when it freezes it is less dense as a solid than as a liquid. Hence ice floats.

    If ice were denser than water, it would sink. This ice would not be exposed to sunlight all day long, even in spring and summer, and perhaps it wouldn’t all melt before the next winter. Then more ice would form, also sink, and so gradually a significant amount of water will be turned into ice on a more or less permanent basis.

    Therefore, the amount of water available would decrease drastically.

    Even if life were still possible under these conditions, it would be greatly circumscribed by the lack of water, so it’s a good thing that God planned for ice to float rather than sink.

    Based on a quick internet search, the only other substances that are denser as liquids than as solids are Bismuth, Antimony and Silicon. I don’t know why God did that, but maybe we’ll figure that out one day.

  • Andrew

    Kopi Luwak, the rare coffee that is harvested from coffee berries which have passed-through a palm civet’s digestive tract. The civets naturally eat the most ripe berries, digest only the outer layer, and leave the usable part whole. There are also some claims of some chemical alterations that occur but I can’t find evidence to back that up.

    The point is though, such a strange (and delicious!) process could not have developed by chance. Kopi Luwak proves that there is a God, and that he has a sense of humor.

  • Lee

    Kent Hovind escaping from prison?

    Or Ray Comfort’s own existence (because evolution should have weeded a creature that dim out of the herd a long time ago).

  • Matthew

    Two bible thumping, Moses hugging, Jesus “loving” presidential candidates- a worry to atheists world wide

  • A dream where you have to argue against infinitely regenerating non sequitur religious arguments.

    P.S. My art entry for the last contest can be seen here. The Christian Trinity diagram used to explain what Atheists think about all the Abrahamic religions.

  • The atheists’ new nightmare is the Evolution for Dummies book.

  • chris


    it comes in it’s own wrapper and can have it’s own handle for eating it.
    so usefull as bio-diesel.

    POPCORN with it’s buttery goodness while watching Expelled.


  • Easy – The English Peppered Moth. Google it.

  • Josha

    Ray Comfort announces that he is ending his ministy which proves there is a merciful God.

    It is both a bitter and sweet victory for atheists everywhere.

  • The Detroit Lions.

    If they ever win the Super Bowl, it will prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God is real and he likes to fuck with us.

  • Elsin Ann Perry

    If God had not created ears, there’d be no way to wear eyeglasses. And without glasses, we older folks wouldn’t be able to read His Word.

  • Richard Wade

    Fred Phelps suddenly renounces God and all religion, proclaiming that he has become an atheist. He changes his website name from “God Hates Fags” to “Atheists Hate Fags.” The Human Hemorrhoid continues to do all his hateful stuff at funerals etc., but now in the name of atheism.

  • Wes

    The atheists’ worst nightmare is Atheism.

    As we all know, atheism drives you to eating babies. But all babies are atheists. So atheism makes you kill atheists. That means atheism is self-destroying, proving that Jesus is our Lord and Savior.

  • Richard Wade

    The Mississippi River.

    The river winds its way across the vast expanse of Jesusland, deftly flowing underneath all those hundreds of bridges. There is no way that could have happened by accident, proving that there is a God who designed the river’s course to do that so perfectly.

  • Richard Wade

    The theory of Relativity.

    Einstein’s great work demonstrates that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. As every driver knows, speed limits are imposed by an authority, so the Universe’s Maximum Speed Limit must have been imposed by a Universal Authority, namely God.

  • The atheist’s new worst nightmare: the Expanding Universe.

    Everything in the universe attracts every other thing with gravitational force. Despite this, the universe is expanding, not contracting. To explain this, we have to posit a stronger force in opposition to gravity. The opposite of gravity is, of course, levity. The presence of a great and central amount of levity is the only thing that can explain why the universe is expanding, and not contracting. This simultaneously proves that God exists, that God is at the centre of everything, and that God has a sense of humour.

    ** with all necessary apologies to Eric Idle for stealing his idea

  • Richard Wade

    Coconuts and T-Rex.

    Experiments at the Institute for Creation Rationalization And Physicotheology (I-CRAP) at Liberty University have incontrovertibly demonstrated that the teeth of Tyrannosaurus Rex are the best object to pierce and devour coconuts. This proves that the six ton creature ate coconuts, must have been on the Ark and all that other Genesis stuff. The creature went extinct shortly after the flood because people developed a taste for Hershey’s Mounds and Almond Joy candy bars and depleted the animal’s food source.

  • Richard Wade

    The word “evolution.”

    The word “evolution” comes from the Latin word evolvere, made from ex- “out” + volvere “to roll” evolvere means to unroll, specifically a scroll. A scroll is a written document that is read by unrolling it. Therefore evolution is the unrolling of a prewritten document and logic demands a Writer of that document. The only possible Writer of such a stupendous Document could be God.

    This is fun. I could do this bullshit all day.

  • TheDeadEye

    Well, my worst nightmare would be proof of God, but we’ve already waited 2k+ years for that.

    How about an apple. Adam and Eve ate it, thus dooming humanity to eternal sin. Apples exist, and we are all sinners so therefore God must exist as well. Bonus points for this making almost no sense.

  • Indisputable proof that the Loch Ness Monster exists. Casts serious doubt on Russell’s teapot and shows dinosaurs exist, which means evolution is false.

  • Richard Wade

    Laura Croft.

    The acrobatic heroine with the beautiful ass in the Tomb Raider video games vanquishes evil beings both natural and supernatural. She performs physical feats of miraculous strength and skill, and if she has been “saved” if she is killed she can come back to life and keep going.

    Tomb Raider is clearly a modern Divinely Inspired work. This proves that God exists and has graduated from inspiring people to scribble on papyrus scrolls to inspiring them to intelligently design video games.

  • Richard Wade


    Whether old or young, light or heavy, robust or delicate, these creatures, exquisite in aspect, fascinating in thought, graceful yet purposeful in movement, soft yet strong, fanciful yet compelling, logical yet passionate, were not created by a divine being, they are divine beings.

    Embodying all these qualities, this atheist’s worst nightmare is my wife. May I never wake up.

  • Trevor

    It’s clearly the iPhone. Smooth, shiny, perfectly contoured to fit the human hand. It’s so complicated, it MUST have had an intelligent designer.

    Plus, just when those dumb atheists think they’ve got it right, it changes on them and is brand new! How’s that for intelligent!

  • Allytude

    Teapots: one of them belongs to a guy called Russel( surely) hence Russel’s Teapot exists.

  • OK, this was actually an entry for a similar contest (with no prizes and which I guess I won by default) a year ago. Ladies and gentlemen, I present The Cycloptopus!

  • Beer.

    According to Benjamin Franklin, “beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” I cannot imagine anything more terrifying.

  • Tao Jones

    John McCain vs Barack Obama

    If McCain wins we get a Bushevik for four more years and the Religious Right rejoices.

    If Obama wins… then we’ll all be thanking God!

  • John Gills

    Here’s one from “Science” magazine, (Vol 320, 6 June 2008 p. 1267), which features a perfectly hermaphrodite moth.

    “Male on the right and female on the left, this ‘Antheraea frithi,’ a silk moth native to Thailand, is divided right down the middle, including its reproductive organs. Museum scientists said this exceedingly rare condition – which occurs in perhaps 1 in 50,000 moths and butterflies – results from an error involving the sex chromosomes in the first cell division.”

    Would seem to me to be a threat to both biblical inerrancey and intelligent design. (No wisecracks.)

  • Robin

    A tree that grows Cheetos.

  • Dan

    The atheist’s worst nightmare?

    December 31st, 2008 – President Bush holds a press conference on the White House lawn to announce that he’s received a message from God, lauding him for his holy war crusade freedom dealing continual liberation of the muslim Iraqi people. As his reward, God has dubbed Dubya Permanent and Forever Leader of the Christian World and granted him the powers and abilities to make sure that the planet Earth is ready for Rapture.

    To this end, Bush announces that he will not be leaving the White House and that McCain or Obama are happy to serve under him in this new regime. the newly dubbed U.S Army, aka Stryper Warriors for Christ, have fortified the White House grounds and Washington, DC proper to ensure the safety of the newest Messiah and Prophet, Brother George W. Bush.

    Oh, and effective immediately, he announces, all people unwilling to convert to Christianity are to be shipped off to Iraq to witness.

    – Dan

  • The Crocoduck. Because if one of those exists, surely God would have them attack atheists.

  • Ubi Dubius

    Worst nightmare:

    That Global Warming and Nuclear Winter BOTH happen, and exactly cancel each other out. And then my ditto-head brother says “I told you so!”

  • Ubi Dubium

    Derek –

    “Beer” ??

    Derek – Heaven has a beer volcano! Franklin didn’t say which god he was talking about. He must have been touched by the Noodly Appendage!


  • Pandas. Don’t scoff. These pathetic bundles of fur should have become extinct centuries ago. Examine the evidence. Pandas eat only one small part of on plant. Pandas are slow, stupid and unable to defend themselves from predators. Pandas are all as gay as a handbag full of rainbows and even then they just aren’t interested in sex. Humans have great trouble in getting pandas to breed in captivity. The only reason that they still exist must be divine intervention.

    Pandas are an atheist’s worst nightmare.

  • ubi dubius

    Global warming and nuclear winter both strike and cancel each other out exactly. Life goes on as normal, proving a loving God is protecting us from our own foolishness, and, worst of all, provoking my dittohead brother to say, “I told you so!”

  • Ubi Dubium


    Atheist Wristbands cause cancer! (Oh, no, I’d better take mine off!)

    And since only Atheists would be wearing them, it’s PROOF that GOD must have designed the universe this way.

  • Ellen Eames

    An atheist’s worst nightmare would be attending a large family gathering where every single person there was a fundamentalist christian, and none of them drank a single drop of alcohol. And it was the atheist’s wedding. Which means that the atheist was marrying a fundie.

    Yes, that would be much worse than global warming or sitting through an hour of church every week.

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