You Screwed Up June 4, 2008

You Screwed Up

By Guest Contributor
June 4, 2008

So many one-liners with this story… where do you start?

Two atheists got caught engaging in oraltastic acts in a place of worship:

Authorities were alerted after a parishoner heard “rustling and groaning” coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said.

The agency said the pair — a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher — defended their conduct saying: “We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place.”

However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple’s behavior was “an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor.”

Of course it’s outrageous.

How dare this couple be approximately the same age and engage in consensual, heterosexual sex?

That is *so* not allowed in the Catholic Church…

And they’re getting prosecuted?!

Maybe someone should treat them as if they were priests and just relocate the couple to a different church…

Yes, they screwed up.

Not because they did it in a church.

But because they got caught.

If you’re going to get it on in a place that’s not your own, you need to take all the proper precautions so that no one else finds out.

They failed.

And what’s with the lame excuse? “”We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place”???

No it’s not. It’s completely different. It’s a taboo. It’s more of a thrill. Having sex in church (oral or otherwise) is possibly the ultimate way of telling God to suck it.

(Literally…?)

So, what will the Church do now?

[Lanfranchi] added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.

Oh, no need. That box has already been christened.

The NoGodBlog is encouraging more of this and it doesn’t sound like a simple joke…:

The NoGodBlog supports healthy safe sex between consenting adults. Since the churches don’t pay taxes they are not really “private property”, so at least they can provide a space for this to occur, and perhaps a clean restroom.

I say: Go have sex in a church of your choice — but this time use a condom! Perhaps it would be funny if we all went to confessional just to leave condoms in the booth.

I disagree completely and I’m not condoning this couple’s actions.

You shouldn’t do it in a church.

Not because it’s a “place of God” but because it’s not your own personal space. At the very least, there’s a perfectly good parking lot outside and I’m sure you have a car.

And, really, do you know the types of things that go on in that Confession Box?!

Confessions.

*shudder*

I do like Dave Silverman’s post headline, though…


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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  • Jodie

    Let’s see: doing it in a church AND getting caught? This contains elements of every sexual fantasy every. Until they actually go to regular court for it.

  • What kind of job is a “laborer”? That’s the most generic job description ever. With two salaries, you’d think they could get a rent a room somewhere.

    If you do it on someone else’s private property and get caught, then accept the consequences. Don’t try to weasel out of it by claiming atheism or a protest against tax-exempt status. I don’t care about sacrilege, just respecting other people’s stuff and places.

  • You shouldn’t do it in a church.

    Agreed for the same reasons. Nicely put.

  • JimboB

    I’m confused… was the bishop angry because it took place in church, or because it’s *oral* sex? If they were in church, having regular sex in the “catholic approved” missionary position, would the bishop be as upset?

  • Oh Gould! This is right out of my list of sexual fetishes.

    Tsk tsk.

  • Since the churches don’t pay taxes they are not really “private property”, so at least they can provide a space for this to occur, and perhaps a clean restroom.

    I dunno how it works in the US, but over here, it’s pretty much illegal to have sex in public, and that includes public building like churches (or, my favority, libraries), and while having a special “marriage consumation chamber” might be really awesome, I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.

  • Grimalkin

    Oh please, who hasn’t done it in a church?

    But seriously, had I been a little older and a little wiser, I wouldn’t have just because, as you say, it’s not “my space.” I don’t think sex is wrong, but it’s still not something you ought to be doing in someone else’s turf, especially if it’s going to make that other person freak out. Whether they should or shouldn’t, religious people tend to take their places of worship seriously. There’s a certain amount of respect that is due.

  • Jen

    I wouldn’t have sex in a church, because while I intellectually get why it would be a turn-on, the actual idea kind of grosses me out. That said, I am kind of amused at the idea that since churches don’t have to pay taxes, we should get to have sex in them. It makes a bit of twisted sense to me- the government should be spending money on things that benefit everyone, the church should have to pay taxes but doesn’t have to, and they should therefore provide benefits for all- church for the churched, and sex room for the rest of us.

  • >Yes, they screwed up.

    >Not because they did it in a church.

    >But because they got caught.

    Like your attitude, Hemant. Reminds me of Dan Savange saying public sex must be kept illegal, so people can have the thrill of worrying about getting caught.

  • They say love is blind but obviously the parishioner wasn’t.

  • cipher

    If they’re in their thirties and are still Goths, they have more serious problems.

  • Hemant, I have to disagree in at least one point.

    “Yes, they screwed up.

    Not because they did it in a church.

    But because they got caught.”

    I think, rather, that their problem was considering any public place (church, bathroom, janitor’s closet) their sexual playground. That entitlement attitude is killing our culture. I see it in my students — they get confused about their “rights” and what they’re entitled to.

    These people obviously thought they were “free” to do whatever they wanted wherever they wanted. And that’s the tragedy. A free society does not mean one without boundaries. We limit ourselves sometimes to gain freedom for all.

  • It was a stupid arrogant act. This is no different than doing it under a table at a restaurant or in the changing room of a department store or in an airline toilet. It’s just a stupid self-indulgence and even more it’s tacky (as was the seat in the confessional afterward… sorry, I couldn’t stop myself).

    The problem with people like this is that they go in for acts of self indulgence and complain when there are consequences. If you don’t want to get charged with public indecency don’t be publicly indecent.

  • These people obviously thought they were “free” to do whatever they wanted wherever they wanted. And that’s the tragedy.

    I think”tragedy” is a bit strong for this situation. They wanted to have sex where they weren’t supposed to be having sex. This can be an exciting thing to do, although some people take this fetish to far. They were trying to add a little spice to their sex life. It wasn’t smart or considerate, but it certainly isn’t a tragedy.

  • Danielle

    Hey shouldn’t we be applauding the teacher for at least not having sex with a student!

  • stogoe

    If they’re in their thirties and are still Goths, they have more serious problems.

    Get bent, cipher.

  • The agency said the pair — a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher — defended their conduct saying: “We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place.”

    Just because you don’t share the beliefs of a church doesn’t exempt you from common courtesy and respect for others.

  • ”We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place”

    Huh. Pretty sure Christians have been using their beliefs to defend their actions for a while now. I’d hope atheists would know better.

  • Huh. Pretty sure Christians have been using their beliefs to defend their actions for a while now. I’d hope atheists would know better.

    There’s nothing wrong with using your beliefs to defend your actions. What’s wrong is using your beliefs to defend indefensible actions. For example, saying I don’t go to church because I’m an atheist is fine, but saying I have sex in church because I’m an atheist isn’t fine, since that’s illegal.

    It’s a subtle difference, but it’s important.