That’s It… Nobody’s Getting Married Now May 18, 2008

That’s It… Nobody’s Getting Married Now

By Guest Contributor
May 18, 2008

Our friends at Landover Baptist Church cannot stand the abomination that is legal gay marriage in California.

They’ve somehow scooped the biggest political blogs out there and obtained a list of the Department of Faith’s proposed Constitutional amendments pertaining to marriage:

marriageproposal1a.jpg

marriageproposal2.jpg

I believe these amendments, if adopted, would ban every potential marriage in the world.

You better run to the altar while you have the chance!


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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  • Every time I visit the Landover Baptist Church website (or their similarly snarky WhiteHouse.org site), I am overcome by envy for their cutting humor…this is great stuff!

  • Tsu-hi

    Never have i been so glad as to not live in a theocracy XD lol

  • Julie

    I gotta say, I actually think the government has no business sanctioning any relationships, and marriage should just be a private matter, not a legal issue at all.

    That’s my little Libertarian rant for the day. I don’t think I’m a Libertarian about everything. I’m just anti all marriage.

  • I can see reasons behind legally sanctioned relationships – a spouses right to visit their loved one in the hospital, custodial rights, property rights, etc. Without them their family (especially if they didn’t like you) could make things legally difficult in the event your significant other dies or is in the hospital.

    However, religion is a very personal thing and if the government does not have a good secular reason to outlaw something then they simply should not. I cannot think of any secular reason to outlaw gay marriage, much less a good one.

    I love Landover Baptist. Always gives me a chuckle when I go there.

  • Landover Baptist Church scare me. Every time, every single time, I stop and wonder for a moment if it’s real or not.

  • I agree with Julie. I married when I was 19, a fundamentalist, and too stupid to know any better. I adore my husband, but sometimes I’m tempted to get a divorce and “live in sin” in protest.

  • mark

    I hope someone explains to those guys that they can put all that stuff in just one amendment.

    I personally like amendment xxxx the best!

    I went for a drive today and noticed three different churches all within a thousand feet of each other. If Christians can’t agree and get along together well enough to have only church within a thousand foot radius then they’ll never be able to get all the christians in the country to agree on a constitutional amendment. It would be great fun just watching them try. I can just imagine the hilarity on CNN as the ratification process unfolds.

  • Susan

    I believe it was Kinky Friedman who co-opted my thoughts about same-sex marriage (paraphrasing): “Why should only straight couples suffer? Equal misery for everyone!”

  • A loophole! Apparently rapists are exempt from these restrictions. If these were to be passed, I know what we’d be seeing a lot more of…

  • I’m with Julie. Just keep it out of the gov’t entirely, and make it a legal contract.

  • JBM

    This list is delightful, thank you for sharing it. As a previous commenter noted Amendment XXXX (can’t marry an aggressive, contentitious woman) is entertaining. When I was reading the list, along with the relevant Bible passages, I couldn’t help from remembering how sex-obsessed the document is. Hitchens makes note of this in his book. But when you think about it, there’s a bunch of references about not only who slept with who, but also instructions on how, why, when, and if one may engage in relations with another person. In my mind this makes the Bible a lot less child-friendly than the “Sex in The City” series, which is relatively tame in comparison (hard to beat the story of Noah’s daughters). Still, there are legions of religious people out there that want this book in the hands of every child for the purposes of moral instruction. Even as a guy, I think more cogent lessons may be learned by watching the aforementioned television series, but that’s another discussion. Going back to the Bible, it’s hard to overlook the perverted absurdity of this proposed deity that possesses over and manipulates sexual interactions among humans, and those purient prophets that wrote about it. I’m sure others have noticed this as well. The proposed amendments seem to resonate this strong theme in the Bible.

    -jeremy

  • Paulo

    This is completely ridiculous. Things like this are what make me thrilled to not live in the USA any longer. Brazil is also full of evangelist pricks who think themselves superior to everyone else, but at least here they have the decency to shut up and just be glad that we’re going to Hell and they’re not.

    Although it is fun to answer the door and reply to “Have you spoken to Jesus today?” with “no, my religion won’t allow it.”

  • Crimzen

    Thats plain disgusting, XXXIX is plain foul having known several victims of that kind of crime i find it sickening, every single word makes it worse
    the others i mostly find humorous but that one is sinister

  • It’s a fake site, people. Just a joke.

  • Yes Auryn, but sometimes it frighteningly lose to the reality.

  • Mriana

    Oh boy! I’m glad Landover doesn’t run the country or I’d be burned at the stake as an adulteress due to being married and divorced twice. 😆

  • Sposey

    this made me giggle…

  • Athi.est

    I’m suprised there isn’t an amendment legalizing polygamy. Especially in the case of widows.

  • Digital

    Crimzen… and everyone really.

    Read the bible, if you think XXXIX is offensive you’d love the passage about it. You’d also get a kick out of Lott having people rape his daughters to protect his guests butts.

    the thing a few of you are missing is that those are all real bible passages, they aren’t making this crap up, they are just reading the parts that people ‘gloss over’. Yes, they are a joke site, and a funny one at that, but the passages they quote are real

    Remember that when people say the bible is full of morals to live by

  • Thank you Julie! And welcome to the 1% club. I wish more people would use their brains a bit.

    You will also notice that practically every single other “controversy” involves situations where the government has injected itself, using brute force to make everyone conform to this or that point of view: sex ed in public schools, stem cell research (it’s about government funding), and of course the recent spate of tax payer “investments” in terminally mismanaged companies. The list is endless.

    Many of the world’s problems would solve themselves if governments would simply keep their big, fat, blood-soaked hands off of things.