Friendly Atheist Contest #27: Atheist TV Programming May 15, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #27: Atheist TV Programming

Last week, I ran this contest:

What programming would appear on an atheist cable TV network?

Here are the Top 10 responses (with submitters)!



If we’re going to be immoral, we’ve got to do it right, dammit!

(Asylum Seeker)


Survivor: Galapagos ;-P

(the Shaggy)


One Life to Live obviously.



Touched by His Noodly Appendage

FSM himself comes to earth disguised as a normal person to save people from non-pasta related meal plans.



Sunday Morning Football!

(Ubi Dubium)


As the World Turns. And Rotates. And Precesses. And Switches Magnetic Polarity.

(Ubi Dubium)


Three’s a Crowd

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit share an apartment while trying to hide their real relationship from ther goofy landlord.



AtheistTV would obviously an On Demand station offering a little bit of everything; atheist viewers would most certainly want the freedom to choose without having some supposedly infallible authority mandating the programming they must watch on some rigid schedule.



Pascal’s Deal or No Deal

(Ubi Dubium)

[Hemant’s note: Ubi Dubium gets the first (coincidental) contest trifecta!]


Ripley’s Or Not

(Jeff Flowers)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

Imagine you’re running for president… of American Atheists.

What are your campaign promises?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

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  • Kenyon

    “You will believe what I say!”

  • I would adopt the FSM platform where I would promise the following:
    1. Beer volcano
    2. Stripper factory

  • David D.G.

    Shouldn’t that be “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not”?

    Great entries otherwise, by the way, and there were lots of them. I can imagine that it was tough to pare it down to just 10.

    ~David D.G.

  • Milena

    That’s easy: All-you-can-eat baby buffet, Satanic Ritual Sundays, Communist ping-pong, Bible-burning class, a better Darwin shrine, and a bubble-gum machine in the lobby.

  • Ashes

    “I’m so confident I’ll defeat my opponent in this election, I won’t even pray for your votes.”

    Okay, so it’s more a debate one-liner than a campaign promise, but elections are popularity contests and it doesn’t really matter what you stand for. [/pessimism]

  • More infant blood!

    As future President of American Atheists, I vow never to let our fetus tanks run dry!

    My slogan: More abortions, bigger portions!

  • @ David D. G. : Leaving out the “Believe it” was part of the joke. Since we’re atheists, and, hence, do not “believe”. (I didn’t really get it at first either….but I think that is the jist).

    Also: I promise government mandated hedonism, abortions for all, taxation for religious organizations which will be spent to fund secular organizations, homosexuality indoctrination programs for all public schools, and, of course, a newly established black market with which we can readily sell souls that we have stolen from naive young children who really wanted that X-box 360 for Christmas. And, after all that is taken care of, we can begin our long-term plans of subjugating the religious and systematically sending them off to “labor camps,” which I can guarantee bringing into fruition during my second term (if I am paid enough…).

  • karun

    I will adopt Asimov’s Laws for humanity – including the zeroth law.

  • “As your president, I can promise you that I am someone you can believe in!”

    Okay, it’s only a slogan, but it’s the first thing that came to mind.

  • Two words: Bible Bongs.

  • Jeff Flowers

    Asylum Seeker is right; that is what I had in mind.

  • Isaah Vincent

    ive got a few. my platform is one built on moral turpitude and reason….who am i kidding, im just pandering for votes. here is my surefire platform:

    “A baby in every pot, and porn in every garage!”

    “If i cant beat them, I will Corrupt them!”

    “9 out 10 Christians will agree, I am going to hell for what i will do. ”

    “i will not pretend to touch you with my noodly appendage”

    “More Atheist holidays so you can get off a work”


  • Ubi Dubium

    I promise to lobby Congress to pass a resolution encouraging those who truly believe that they are going to heaven to go ahead and leave now. I will also lobby for Federal funding to make it possible for them to depart more quickly.

    I promise to start an Atheist Television Network.

    A chicken in every orbiting teapot and no Karma in any garage.

    The Jews have Israel, the Catholics have the Vatican, the Mormons have Utah – it’s time we reclaimed ownership of our ancestral unHoly Land – Las Vegas!

    Death Disapproval to the fidels and the unheathens!

    My opponent is evil, and voting for him will lead you to eternal torment. I promise nothing, and voting for me will do you no harm. Are you willing to wager that I am wrong?

  • karun said,
    I will adopt Asimov’s Laws for humanity – including the zeroth law.

    After a quick Google search, I found the following:

    0. A human may not injure humanity or, through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.
    1. A human may not injure another human being, or, through inaction, allow another human being to come to harm.
    2. A human must obey the orders given it by other human beings except where such orders would conflict with the [Zeroth or] First Law.
    3. A human must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the [Zeroth,] First or Second Law.

    The link above gives some caution about the zeroth law in how it can be misapplied…

  • James Koran

    “Reality TV Network”

  • All your imaginary troubles will disappear.

  • David D.G.

    Jeff Flowers and Asylum Speaker, thanks for explaining.

    ~David D.G.

  • Jeff Flowers

    Not a problem David. Have a great weekend!

  • Theo Doersing

    There are only 10 promises necessary in my platform:

    1. I promise to apply all of my intellect, resources and time to finding positive permanent ways of bettering our society as a whole.

    2. I promise to undue as much damage as I can, in the amount of time I am given, from special interests groups that corrupt our politics, drain our economies and pervert our society’s moral and intellectual integrity. No more lobbyists. No more electoral colleges, no more super-delegates, just the popular vote. Voting will be done in the comfort of your own homes by computer with vigorous adherence to integrity and security. Those without a computer can vote at public libraries and schools.

    3. The American education system will be completely overhauled with twice the budget directed at all subjects and geared toward the child’s interests and strengths with a required minimum curriculum in less individually interested subjects. Every school in the US will be brought up to state of the art requirements.

    4. The communications industry will be forcibly broken up and allowed more competition and a wider spectrum of opinions.

    5. Defense spending will be cut down to 25% when we fire Haliburton and end almost all corporate welfare and pork.

    6. Money earmarked for our next war will be used to bring clean, renewable drinking water to the 50% of the world currently without it. The infrastructure necessary will be employed by US and the individual countries’ workforce to help create a closer and more stable global economy.

    7. I would institute universal healthcare and not allow pharmaceutical companies to push their failed drugs in third world nations. Condoms and other contraceptions would be available to all.

    8. EPA standards will be tightened dramatically with tougher fuel emission standards and pollution controls. Renewable energy and conservation will be rewarded and neglect heavily fined.
    I will employ top scientists to corral and maintain our waste epidemic.

    9. I promise to make the US the leader in the field of stem cell research.

    10. I will not pander for popularity, but for reason and individual happiness and liberties.

    Number ten is why I could not be elected in this country.

    And sorry, I thought you meant as the AA candidate for President of the US. Oh well…

  • Theo, I would vote for you!

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