Things You Cannot Say in Church

“Hmm…Jesus tastes a bit stale today.”

“How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because God meant for them to stay in the dark.”

*flip to random page*

*read random, nonsensical Bible verse*

“But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt”

I don’t understand. How does this book get you through hard times?

i love how you said i asked the questions in good faith. 🙂 hehe.

I once commented to a Catholic nun, after hearing the story of jesus being given a bitter drink on the cross, “Well, you think if you were dying of thirst you should be happy to get anything to drink at all.” She was not amused.

“Will that wannabe prophet speaking-in-tongues guy ever shut up?”

“The only reason I’m here is because of that cute chick two aisles down.”

“This contemporary Christian music is giving me a really bad headache.”

“Bloody hell, I could be walking my dog.”

“I may be missing a cool blog post on friendlyatheist.com!”

“I actually had a sexual thought and didn’t feel guilty.”

“Why are we all sitting in here donating to the church, when people are without food and helpless all over the world?”

@ other Mike above, you stole my name and what I was going to say!

“I’m just here to get over Scientology….baby steps, baby steps.”

I’m too busy, but someone should adapt the scene from Fight Club where Jack and Marla are divvying up support groups. http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Fight-Club.html

“That guy on the cross looks kinda kinky.”

As alter boy walks past: “I’d hit that.”
To neighbor: “I’m coveting your wife.”
Alter boy: “Eh… I’ve had younger.”
Neighbor: “I’m coveting your ass.”
Alter boy: “Hey! Little boy! I want to **** you in the ***!”
For Lutherans: “Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!”

“I don’t believe- I just come to do my part to make the world a worse place.”

“So if the voices tell you not to fight back it is God, but if they tell you to burn things it is Satan? What if they tell you to draw hello kitty?”

“Sin- sure god disapproves, but what is he going to do? Keep me out of heaven? Do you know HOW boring that place is?”

“We are going to tell our kid the truth after he realizes Santa isn’t real. You?”

“You all happen to be heretics- you will burn for eternity!! There I said it.”

“It is a porn bomb!!” (Note- I didn’t make this one up- our current El Presidente accused Clinton of leaving on behind in the office.)

Oh, and for the record: I did go to church a couple weeks ago, for the first time in years. And what I wanted to say and felt that I couldn’t was:

‘You are all really nice people, and I still can’t for the life of me figure out why you believe this.”

But maybe we need an atheist version of this. Like: What, if anything, do you feel you can’t say to other atheists, or in the atheosphere?

The worst beating I ever got was one Sunday when I was sitting at church with my parents and I hadn’t eaten breakfast. The pastor said “and now we will have communion..” As the plate was passed around with wafers and wine (this was an Assemblies of God church) I was hear to exclaim “Alright! Food!”

I was raised Catholic. We weren’t allowed to say ANYTHING in church. Church was where you went for an hour and quietly listened to the priest (oh, and occasionally shouted some wrote response).

God damn it ! Jesus f**king christ ! You know, when you stub your toe 🙂

“No, really, that doesn’t make any sense!”

Though, I did say this, my first time attending a church in between fourth and fifth grades. The cultist at the front of the room was seriously telling people that “Jesus wants you to give 110% to him”

Even at that age, I thought that was a pretty stupid thing. Hey, Jesus, what about people with families and jobs?

Okay, for one that I haven’t said and probably wouldn’t :

“Why are ignorance and credulity treated as virtues?”

Why does evil exist? I thought God was all loving and all powerful, but evil still exists. Is he incapable but wants to? Then he’s weak. Is he capable but doesn’t want to? Then he’s wicked. He took away our free will to travel in time with our minds the same way we travel a road with our feet, but why couldn’t he make people simply incapable of killing another human being?

And if you are at a debate with the Rational Response Squad and The Comfort/Cameron party, one that you shouldn’t ask is “Why does cancer exist?”, because the answer you’ll get won’t address your question at all.

“Can I have some schmeer with that cracker?”

*While receiving communion wafer*
“Is it kosher?”

“…Are you serious?”

Greta, I don’t know that the responses strike me as particularly atheist. Some of the quoted ones above are harsh, but also, I think just honest and human. I mean, hey, I don’t try to look like a “good Christian,” as I’m not one, but it might be fair to say that “I’d rather look like a good Christian person than put in the time and effort to actually be one.” And I never pray for anyone, but the sentiment behind “When I say ‘I’ll pray for you.’ I don’t usually mean it” doesn’t strike me as all that foreign to the way most theists and atheists, myself included, act.

The full comment thread on that blog is pretty interesting. I thought I’d pull some of the comments out for those who don’t head over there, since they’re pretty interesting. Some seem so sad:

I currently feel NO connection to God when I pray or read the bible.

Some are strikingly honest:

We do too much in “the name of Jesus,” and I truthfully think that most of what we do repulses Jesus.

And some are, um, different:

Your 14/15/16/17/18 year old daughter looks like a SLUT in those Abercrombie shirts & jeans. They are too tight & low & her boobs are falling out and her pubic hair is peaking out from the top of her jeans. All the young teenage boys are going crazy and probably older men are lusting after your child – CHILD. Get a Frick’n clue & teach her some modesty or perhaps you yourself are so caught up in the latest fashion that you don’t care if your daughter dresses like a SLUT

Autumnal Harvest: The third comment is so riddled with “ridiculous” that I found myself needing to respond to it, but am speechless. This individual (I’m supposing the poster of that comment was a woman) is so stuck in her deluded box of joy that she is convinced that people only grow penises and vaginas when Satan influences them.

I think it would be funny to find the face of Darwin in a communion wafer.

This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time! These comments are great!

Confession: I’m a Christian, but I love this blog. Linking you right now.

“Everyone. Listen up! Don’t use the holy water! The font boiled when I walked in and I don’t want anyone scalded.”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Autumnal Harvest, I so appreciate the objectivity you display in responding to this post. If the truth be told, I imagine that Anne’s post was meant to start a dialog about the apparent hypocrisy that is often displayed in churches because of the disparity between what we say and the way we feel. However, like you so rightly stated, these things are not exclusive to Christians and we are simply trying to figure out the best way to live out our faith in a way that makes it more appealing to those who might be looking for answers in the Church. People like you make it so easy to bridge the ‘gap’ that sadly exists between Christians and others who believe differently than we do. Thank you.

So, if all you are atheist, why do you have to go around trying to destroy the things Christians believe. We can’t make you believe but you must have a lot of hate to want to make the majority of the people miserable.
Also, as my stepdaughter states, she is atheist and proud of it so why are they home getting ready to celebrate Christmas and they also celebrate Easter. Shouldn’t they be teaching their children that there is no Christmas and that there is no Easter.
So many atheist are so phoney. I bet the majority of you would be praying if you are laying there in terrible pain or have a child dying but believe what you want, just keep it from me and the rest of us believers.
Also, nobody holds a gun to your child when someone prays at a school or a team sport. Get real and grow up.