Things You Cannot Say in Church May 5, 2008

Things You Cannot Say in Church

Anne Jackson asked the question in good faith, but you all might take it a bit less seriously.

Which might make it *far* more amusing 🙂

What is something you feel you can’t say in church, or around other Christians?

Some of Anne’s own commenters (mostly Christian, I assume) have some fantastic responses:

  • I’d rather look like a good christian than put in the time and effort to actually be one.
  • …I just had a drink last night and it tasted really good.
  • When I say “I’ll pray for you.” I don’t usually mean it. I have been a Christian for 27 years and I still don’t understand the point of praying.
  • oh, and i really really like amy winehouse.
  • Why do I have to pray for this crippled guy again? and again? and again?… Why won’t he just get healed already?

Let’s see what the atheists have to say…

[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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  • I got a lot of dirty looks for saying this in church one time:

    “Jesus should have died in the first ten minutes of The Passion of the Christ.”

    Well… if you saw what they were doing in that movie, you should agree.

  • “Hmm…Jesus tastes a bit stale today.”

    “How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because God meant for them to stay in the dark.”

  • Hmm…

    “Over a millions years ago…”
    “I deny the Holy Spirit”
    Referring to the Bible as an 800 page sleeping pill…
    Flipping through the pages of the Bible and shouting “This thing has no answers!”

    Ok, those last two were from The Simpsons

  • TolgaK

    *flip to random page*

    *read random, nonsensical Bible verse*

    “But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt”

    I don’t understand. How does this book get you through hard times?

  • Kathryn

    Can’t point out pastors’ inconsistencies… which kind of sucks.
    “I’d rather watch porn than go to church”
    “No, actually I don’t feel like praying for you”
    “But you don’t actually believe that, right?”

  • i love how you said i asked the questions in good faith. 🙂 hehe.

  • Sudo

    “Actually, I’m an atheist.”

  • Cathy

    I once commented to a Catholic nun, after hearing the story of jesus being given a bitter drink on the cross, “Well, you think if you were dying of thirst you should be happy to get anything to drink at all.” She was not amused.

  • Mike

    1. Prove “god” exists without using the Bible.

    2. God is an imaginary friend for adults.

    3. Where do dinosaurs come from?

    4. A banana is proof of a creator?

    I can keep going. They take everything so personally most\some of the time.

  • Rest

    “Will that wannabe prophet speaking-in-tongues guy ever shut up?”

    “The only reason I’m here is because of that cute chick two aisles down.”

    “This contemporary Christian music is giving me a really bad headache.”

    “Bloody hell, I could be walking my dog.”

    “I may be missing a cool blog post on!”

    “I actually had a sexual thought and didn’t feel guilty.”

  • Cade

    “Why are we all sitting in here donating to the church, when people are without food and helpless all over the world.”

  • Cade

    “Why are we all sitting in here donating to the church, when people are without food and helpless all over the world?”

  • God giving human beings free will, while being omnipotent and knowing what they’ll do with it, is like leaving a loaded gun accessible to your child.

  • mike

    @ other Mike above, you stole my name and what I was going to say!

    “I’m just here to get over Scientology….baby steps, baby steps.”

    I’m too busy, but someone should adapt the scene from Fight Club where Jack and Marla are divvying up support groups.

  • J Myers
  • ryot

    “That guy on the cross looks kinda kinky.”

  • Billy S

    Tell every woman who goes up to the pulpit to shut up, and that she isn’t allowed to speak in church. Yell at people when they start praying, commanding them to pray in the closet. And tell children who have a parent who happens to be at work instead of church that you going to drag the parent into the public square and stone them to death on Monday morning.

    Extreme Biblical literalism is a bigger insult to most Christians than blasphemy could ever be.

  • J Myers

    As alter boy walks past: “I’d hit that.”
    To neighbor: “I’m coveting your wife.”
    Alter boy: “Eh… I’ve had younger.”
    Neighbor: “I’m coveting your ass.”
    Alter boy: “Hey! Little boy! I want to **** you in the ***!”
    For Lutherans: “Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!”

  • Josha

    “I read and liked ‘The God Delusion’.”

    ‘I am an atheist. Yes, that’s right, I do not believe in God.”

    ‘I don’t really pray…oh yeah and prayer doesn’t work.”

    “Faith is not a virtue.”

    “‘In God We Trust’ should not be on money.”

  • Samuel Skinner

    “I don’t believe- I just come to do my part to make the world a worse place.”

    “So if the voices tell you not to fight back it is God, but if they tell you to burn things it is Satan? What if they tell you to draw hello kitty?”

    “Sin- sure god disapproves, but what is he going to do? Keep me out of heaven? Do you know HOW boring that place is?”

    “We are going to tell our kid the truth after he realizes Santa isn’t real. You?”

    “You all happen to be heretics- you will burn for eternity!! There I said it.”

    “It is a porn bomb!!” (Note- I didn’t make this one up- our current El Presidente accused Clinton of leaving on behind in the office.)

  • I gotta say, I don’t know if I could say anything harsher or more critical than the comments people actually made on the original post. I’m actually sort of impressed. A lot of them sound more hard-line atheist than me. I just can’t figure out why half of them keep going to church if that’s how they feel.

    The one that made me want to cry:

    Raising my hand:
    “Umm, pastor… I have a question.”

    Damn. If that’s the thing you can’t say in church, there is something seriously wrong.

  • Oh, and for the record: I did go to church a couple weeks ago, for the first time in years. And what I wanted to say and felt that I couldn’t was:

    ‘You are all really nice people, and I still can’t for the life of me figure out why you believe this.”

    But maybe we need an atheist version of this. Like: What, if anything, do you feel you can’t say to other atheists, or in the atheosphere?

  • Javier

    “Blessed Be His Noodily Appendage……Ramen”

  • The worst beating I ever got was one Sunday when I was sitting at church with my parents and I hadn’t eaten breakfast. The pastor said “and now we will have communion..” As the plate was passed around with wafers and wine (this was an Assemblies of God church) I was hear to exclaim “Alright! Food!”

  • Katie

    Greta, “atheosphere” is an awesome word I have never ever seen before, but it should be used commonly.

    In fact, perhaps it should be an actual, physical place.


  • Vincent

    I was raised Catholic. We weren’t allowed to say ANYTHING in church. Church was where you went for an hour and quietly listened to the priest (oh, and occasionally shouted some wrote response).

  • Greta, if it’s okay, I’d like to post your comment on my blog tomorrow. No commentary. I just want my readers to see that, and to take it in.

    Because you’re right.

    There obviously needs to be a change within the church. I think many times we are just walking through the motions instead of truly exploring what our faith means.

    Thank you.

  • TXatheist

    God damn it ! Jesus f**king christ ! You know, when you stub your toe 🙂

  • Polly

    “Mormons ARE Xians”

    “So what if they had sex?”…”And in any case, SO DID YOU!”

    “Gee, Ecclesiastes talks about death as if it’s final. I guess they didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.”

    If unbelievers go to Hell, why does JC say in JOHN 3:16, that they will “perish” instead of “go to Hell.”

  • Athe the False

    “No, really, that doesn’t make any sense!”

    Though, I did say this, my first time attending a church in between fourth and fifth grades. The cultist at the front of the room was seriously telling people that “Jesus wants you to give 110% to him”

    Even at that age, I thought that was a pretty stupid thing. Hey, Jesus, what about people with families and jobs?

    Okay, for one that I haven’t said and probably wouldn’t :

    “Why are ignorance and credulity treated as virtues?”

  • Ben

    “That’s not right,, because…” (after priest / religion class instructor made some claim.) Contrast that with biology class, chemistry class, physics class, math class, English class…

  • Jason

    Why does evil exist? I thought God was all loving and all powerful, but evil still exists. Is he incapable but wants to? Then he’s weak. Is he capable but doesn’t want to? Then he’s wicked. He took away our free will to travel in time with our minds the same way we travel a road with our feet, but why couldn’t he make people simply incapable of killing another human being?

    And if you are at a debate with the Rational Response Squad and The Comfort/Cameron party, one that you shouldn’t ask is “Why does cancer exist?”, because the answer you’ll get won’t address your question at all.

  • “Who farted?”

    “Anybody know where I can score some pot?”

    *stands up in conservative Protestant church*
    “I’m quite certain that we are not in the End Times.” or
    “I think that this will really help you.”, then hand out copies of The Watchtower or Hustler.

    *quietly reads biology textbook in conservative Protestant church*
    “I think this Darwin fellow might be on to something…”

  • obfg

    “Can I have some schmeer with that cracker?”

  • Polly

    This could’ve been another contest.

  • *While receiving communion wafer*
    “Is it kosher?”

  • “Greta, if it’s okay, I’d like to post your comment on my blog tomorrow. No commentary”

    Yes. You have my permission. I’ll be interested to see how people respond to it. Thanks!

  • D

    “…Are you serious?”

  • I don’t know about any other ex-Catholics, but I was usually watching the hot teenage girls going up for Communion and imagining them naked.

    I should probably mention at this point that I haven’t been to church since I graduated from college.

    And, this is true, “I wish I wasn’t tripping balls right now”

  • Autumnal Harvest

    Greta, I don’t know that the responses strike me as particularly atheist. Some of the quoted ones above are harsh, but also, I think just honest and human. I mean, hey, I don’t try to look like a “good Christian,” as I’m not one, but it might be fair to say that “I’d rather look like a good Christian person than put in the time and effort to actually be one.” And I never pray for anyone, but the sentiment behind “When I say ‘I’ll pray for you.’ I don’t usually mean it” doesn’t strike me as all that foreign to the way most theists and atheists, myself included, act.

    The full comment thread on that blog is pretty interesting. I thought I’d pull some of the comments out for those who don’t head over there, since they’re pretty interesting. Some seem so sad:

    I currently feel NO connection to God when I pray or read the bible.

    Some are strikingly honest:

    We do too much in “the name of Jesus,” and I truthfully think that most of what we do repulses Jesus.

    And some are, um, different:

    Your 14/15/16/17/18 year old daughter looks like a SLUT in those Abercrombie shirts & jeans. They are too tight & low & her boobs are falling out and her pubic hair is peaking out from the top of her jeans. All the young teenage boys are going crazy and probably older men are lusting after your child – CHILD. Get a Frick’n clue & teach her some modesty or perhaps you yourself are so caught up in the latest fashion that you don’t care if your daughter dresses like a SLUT

  • *laughing* Brilliant, you should do stand up….what, it’s not a joke?

  • Jason

    Autumnal Harvest: The third comment is so riddled with “ridiculous” that I found myself needing to respond to it, but am speechless. This individual (I’m supposing the poster of that comment was a woman) is so stuck in her deluded box of joy that she is convinced that people only grow penises and vaginas when Satan influences them.

  • Everyone. Listen up! Don’t use the holy water! The font boiled when I walked in and I don’t want anyone scalded.

  • Scotty B

    I think it would be funny to find the face of Darwin in a communion wafer.

  • Greta-thank you!!! I just posted it.

  • This is the funniest blog I’ve read in a long time! These comments are great!

    Confession: I’m a Christian, but I love this blog. Linking you right now.

  • “Catholic school girls rule!”

  • “Everyone. Listen up! Don’t use the holy water! The font boiled when I walked in and I don’t want anyone scalded.”


  • Victoria

    “WAAAH!! Now everyone report to the dance floor alright stop- PAjama TIME! just lose it…” and eevryone starts f*cking off in the middle of church…i had a dream about that once…which was really creepy because the last church i went to 13 years ago was all old ladys and 2 really ancient guys (I think one of them is actually dead now), this 23 yr old guy, and me. so you can just IMAGINE what that dream was likee……….SO CREEPY O,..,O

  • Autumnal Harvest, I so appreciate the objectivity you display in responding to this post. If the truth be told, I imagine that Anne’s post was meant to start a dialog about the apparent hypocrisy that is often displayed in churches because of the disparity between what we say and the way we feel. However, like you so rightly stated, these things are not exclusive to Christians and we are simply trying to figure out the best way to live out our faith in a way that makes it more appealing to those who might be looking for answers in the Church. People like you make it so easy to bridge the ‘gap’ that sadly exists between Christians and others who believe differently than we do. Thank you.

  • AnonyMouse

    “Why did God lie to Adam about the fruit?”

    “Why isn’t Jesus mentioned in Genesis?”

    “My three-year-old son ate a piece of cake that I told him not to touch, and I kicked him out of the house. Should I teach him how to raise his own food, or see if he figures it out for himself?”

  • reta

    So, if all you are atheist, why do you have to go around trying to destroy the things Christians believe. We can’t make you believe but you must have a lot of hate to want to make the majority of the people miserable.
    Also, as my stepdaughter states, she is atheist and proud of it so why are they home getting ready to celebrate Christmas and they also celebrate Easter. Shouldn’t they be teaching their children that there is no Christmas and that there is no Easter.
    So many atheist are so phoney. I bet the majority of you would be praying if you are laying there in terrible pain or have a child dying but believe what you want, just keep it from me and the rest of us believers.
    Also, nobody holds a gun to your child when someone prays at a school or a team sport. Get real and grow up.

  • Hitek

    Holy hell, you are late to the game, but I’ll play along. Troll or not, I’m bored and can respond as I wish.

    First, I am an atheist, and I do not go around trying to destroy things that you people believe. None of us here do that. If you haven’t fucking noticed, this is FRIENDLY This is one of many places WE go to avoid YOU. Who is attacking who now?

    We won’t teach our children that there is no Christmas and no Easter because those are recognized holidays. They do indeed exist, but we choose to celebrate them in a different way, or not at all. So for some, the holidays may not exist FOR THEM, but if you look on any calendar, there they are in print. They exist.

    So many atheist(s) are phon(e)y? How about…I don’t know, Ted Haggard? I can list about 20 phony and so-called “Christians” if you’d like.

    I wouldn’t waste my time praying if I had a dying family member. I would take that time to find a doctor who knew what the hell they were doing to help my family. You can sit in a chair and cry to God if you want, but I’d rather make results.

    “Believe what you want, just keep it from me and the rest of us believers.” You do remember, as I’ve said, that you are on an Atheist-based Website, yeah? Would you say that to someone of another faith, say a Jew or Muslim? Would you tell a gay person to keep away from you as though they had some contagion?

    And no, nobody holds a gun to our children when someone prays at school, but they sure as hell start threatening to when we want our beliefs respected.

    YOU get real and fucking grow up, you illogical twit.

    Did I just feed the Troll? Yes, yes I did. Am I proud of this? Well, it’s a first for me, so yes, but shame will settle in soon.

    Feel free to comment, reta. I will talk to you all night.

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