Man Watching Porn Gets Caught By Jesus April 6, 2008

Man Watching Porn Gets Caught By Jesus

By Guest Contributor
April 6, 2008

Warning: Watching this video will make you a lot more uncomfortable than the guy in the video…

Oh, unintentional hilarity, how I love you.

Since this guy is changing his story 32894293 times, you would think Jesus would say something about how lying is bad.

Guess that doesn’t matter when you’re committing evil, evil thoughtcrimes…

(And who talks to their computer while watching porn?)

By the way, the last few seconds of the video are priceless if you can make it that far.

Final note: If grown men cry, it should be for something serious.

Not this.


[tags]atheist, atheism, sex[/tags]

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  • holy moly

    my favorite are the blood holes on jesus’ hands.

    and:

    “my church is my bride, and I am making her clean and spotless” -_-

  • TolgaK

    Is Jesus wearing Mormon magic underwear?

    Why does he have a mullet?

    Dresses like a Mormon yet reeks of a Baptist. Who the hell made this video?

  • Susan

    Why is Jesus wearing my grandmother’s nightgown?

    At least they got a Jewish guy (I think) to play Jesus.

    Product placement: Apple. Hmm. I thought Microsoft was the root of all evel.

    Is that a manly hug at the end? I don’t think so.

  • weatherby

    I like how when he starts to blame the church, Jesus gives him this “uh, what?” look, complete with raised eyebrows.

    This guy’s character is a puke. Here’s at least one Jezebel that won’t be flirting with him at work any time soon. Seriously, he takes it beyond any reasonable person’s denial.

  • Robert Bowland

    Thank you for this rather interesting idiocy. If Jesus claims to be God and some day he will ‘be the world’ as he had stated in this stupid side show, then I guess evil will never leave us since the world is ‘evil’. The fundamental density of this religion called Christianity is that (how in this world can we do without ‘evil’?) if we’re still living in it. Does this mean we should commit suiside to avoid ‘evil’. Science has already proven that man was here before religion, thus, think about it, evil came about by some so called wiseguy (afterwords) who said ‘let there be evil amongst us so that man can live in fear and ignorance until death do him part’. It seems that this would be a better verse in old testiment or qur’anic (moronic) teachings of the old ancient works of (wisdoom). This film is an example of pure ignorant ‘evil’ and how it can spread like a disease throughout the minds of people like our nations fundamentalist which, in the long run unless there is change, will destroy the very fabric of a free thought society of which our Constutution had provided for this nation over two hundred years ago. Will this stupidity ever stop or are we doomed (wisdoomed)?

  • Teresa

    Why is Jesus a hard 60? Didn’t he die at 32?

  • this is priceless. These actors are terrible. This is one of the funniest things i’ve seen a while. This guy is losing his mind for being attracted to women. Absolutely insane.

  • Mriana

    Why do I think this is soooo dumb and asinine? What brainless stuff will they come up with next using new technology? 🙄

  • Good thing this guy wasn’t into gay deity porn, or his day would probably have been made.

    “On your knees, sinner, and prepare to receive flesh of my flesh and bone of my boner!”

  • I’m glad Jesus took time out of his busy schedule to help this middle-class fellow overcome his addiction to porn. He had to push a few starving Somalians out of his day planner, but it was worth it, as porn is certainly the greater evil.

  • Is that what came up when you googled “Jesus Porn”?

  • Is that what came up when you googled “Jesus Porn”?

    Shh… don’t tell anyone!

  • The crying reminded me of the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.

  • Reminds me of my Baptist upbringing and the videos we were subject to. None of them were quite this bad, but I do recall an anti-rock-n-roll film which made a point to demonize Frank Sinatra for singing I’ll Do It My Way (instead of God’s way, of course)

  • webwombat

    Willy Nelson is Jesus?

    And why is he wearing a basket on his head?

    I don’t think he’s wearing the Mormon Jesus Jammies, but it does look like a granny nightgown.

    Mormon productions are usually a little more polished and guilt inducing…lol

    Oh yes, it’s the Jezebel at work… It’s all her fault…LOL

  • Darryl

    You would have thought, after all this time, that the J-man might have upgraded the headdress thing. Plus, Jesus seems to have put on a few pounds.
    «Jezebels?» Doesn’t Jesus know about Madonna, or Heidi Klum? Jesus, you better watch him closely when he’s kneeling down there.

  • HM

    Honestly, I think it’s pretty hilarious that at the beginning, the dude is just sitting there at his Mac and watching it. Like, what, is he going to get off to it later or something?

  • Zachary B.

    @Saint Gasoline: Lol!

    This is disgusting. How dare they use an Apple Computer in vain! Now I must download twice as much pron on mine!

    Oh doesn’t Jesus usually have longer sleeves and no gray hair?

  • Ah, the old “white Nordic Jesus”. 🙂

  • Daniel

    Where can I get that hat???

    (btw, this happened to me once, Jesus walked in (without that hat), but I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and I kept going. It was pretty hot.)

    ((also, that guy cries like the cowardly lion))

  • I thought that guy sounded like he was channeling the Cowardly Lion, too.

    Man, Jesus has really aged! He was around 33 when he died, but it looks like he’s pushing 60 now.

    And did it look like the guy grabbed Jesus’ ass a little bit there at the end?

  • (And who talks to their computer while watching porn?)

    Ummm… not everyone does that?
    Oh darn.

  • In the bible (ex. Matthew 5:29) Jesus said that you should gauge your eyes out for this problem. I’m surprised the Jesus actor didn’t mention that.

    Another good “pro-church” answer is to tithe so much that you can’t afford the payments on your internet connection and then you won’t be able to view on-line porn any more.

    So religion does offer easy answers for complicated problems.

  • Alexandre

    – I can help you!
    – Jesus? I didn’t know you were into that stuff…

  • Hitek

    Atheist Okie said,

    April 6, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Good thing this guy wasn’t into gay deity porn, or his day would probably have been made.

    “On your knees, sinner, and prepare to receive flesh of my flesh and bone of my boner!”

    That quote just made my day! Well…made it and ruined it, since I’ll be laughing at that quote, but will have Jebus-themed pron running through my head now.

  • Ashes

    He forgot the following “rational”izations:

    * But Jesus, it was just still pictures, not a movie!

    * But all my friends do it! And they talk about it in the restroom at my oh so stressful job!

    * But Jesus, I drank the wine that transubstantiates into your blood, but I still got a little tipsy, and that’s why I’m looking at these bad things, and it’s not _my_ fault the wine didn’t transsubstantiate all the way!

    * But the girl in the pictures is my wife from 30 years ago when I was still attracted to her! That’s okay, isn’t it?

    * But Jesus, when I tried to overcome it through your blood… …And that’s why I’m doing this now!

  • This is priceless!

  • The message is clear: Watch porn and get a hug from a bearded man in a dress. It’s not my thing but if it floats your boat….

  • Boobies always wins over jesus. Jesus doesn’t give this guy any help. A slap in the mouth to shut him up would work.

  • Josha

    Drama Queen.

  • Weirdest Jesus ever.

  • Tom

    I especially liked the part where he realizes that he has a free will, and for that reason takes responsibility for his shortcomings… oh wait, that didn’t happen.

    And I can truly see how the power of Jesus eases your mind to make your everyday life nice and enjoyable. The guy in the video really seems like a genuinely happy fellow, with no worries in life.

  • It’s just my manflesh.
    That’s gotta be the quote of the day.

  • James

    Thanks for the video. Its always good to start the day off with a good laugh.

  • Vincent

    Man, Jesus really let himself go. He’s not only old and scraggly, but did you notice the beer gut on him? Looks almost pregnant.

  • It does remind me of maternity-wear.

  • Karen

    Dude was grabbing J-Man’s ass at the end. And wouldn’t the big “J” start bitch slapping dude for that hysterical crying? I know I would have.

    Nice beer gut on “JC”. They must have keggers in heaven.

  • Miresse

    Very funny! Though that “all your thoughts captive to my obedience” line weirded me out. There seems to be an obsession with obedience that I just don’t get, seems like slavery to me.

  • Barry White leads to this? Yes, painfully funny!

  • cipher

    There seems to be an obsession with obedience that I just don’t get, seems like slavery to me.

    It is an obsession. There’s some evidence now that there may be physiological differences between the brains of liberals and conservatives – seems to have something to do with neural firing patterns in the prefrontal cortex. Conservatives (secular and religious) have an attachment to authority, hierarchy, chains of command. Plus, it gets emphasized and reinforced in their families for generations – everyone is subordinate to someone else. This accounts for the image of God as “sovereign”, and why they haven’t bothered to revamp the theology since the Middle Ages.

    Interesting article: http://www.tikkun.org/magazine/tik0709/frontpage/neuroscience

  • recorderjoe

    “And, scene. Thanks everybody that’s a wrap. Steve, way to go with the whiniest, blaming individual on earth! Really convincing! And Bob! Great job being Jesus! Makeup! Help Bob get that stuff off his hands would you? He’s trying to get out for a smoke break, and it’s flamable”.

    Wow. That was awesome.

  • Cade

    “You can find your peace in me. You don’t have to go there.” (before 5:00)

    Anyone else catch this blatant segway into a porn scene?

  • Chris in Columbus

    I love that right as the crying man drops to his knees, Jesus says “resERECTION”.

    I know, I’m that childish. But I still laughed!

  • Rich

    I can’t believe they made this video…and made it this long!

    Jesus doesn’t want healthy prostates 🙁

  • Anonymous

    I lol’d heartily

  • Julie

    The dude may be a wimp, but he actually makes some pretty good points. It would have been cool if at the end he said, “So that’s why I’m sticking with porn!”

  • Wow. How… weird. And is that Karl Rove? And why does he sound like the cowardly lion at the end there…

    Bizarre stuff.

  • Kris

    I wonder if the heavenly angels built that nest on jesus’s head.
    probably so they can follow jesus around when he spies on people mastrubating

  • Matt

    God doesnt desire me to stumble? :O
    But thats how i got here in the first place 😀

  • Carter Stevens

    I’ve been a professional pornographer for over 30 years and this video has given me the faith to go on.