Friendly Atheist Contest #22: Religious Fonts April 2, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #22: Religious Fonts

Last week, I ran this contest:

If religions were fonts, what fonts would they be and why…?

Here are the Top 10 responses (with submitters)!


The font for Scientology would be Times Extra New Roman, which they promise is newer and better than all the old fonts, costs $10,000, but ends up looking exactly the same.

(Please don’t sue me.)



Times Old Roman – because there’s nothing like some good ol’ fashioned human sacrifice, child boinking and lead poisoning induced brain tumors.



Times New Roman Catholic – Important letters wear a mitre in the form of a 15pt caret.



Courier, a font based on an obsolete technology (typewriters).

(Darwin’s Dagger)





Wingdings – It says a lot, but none of it makes any sense.

(Godless Geek)


Times New Roman 12 pt, because it’s what they were given by default and they’ve never thought about other options.



Arial Narrow-Minded

(John Pritzlaff)


I’m going with MT (monotype) Symbol.
Say it out loud: “M.T. Symbol.”

(Perfect Fool)


Catholicism would be You’re Going to Hell-vetica


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest (sticking with the previous theme):

If religions were flavors of ice cream, what flavors would they be and why…?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

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  • Ashes

    Rocky Road — Because the path to heaven literally involves a lot of stonings.

  • I’m not creative or witty, but my mom was reading behind me and came up with:

    frozen yogurt because it’s so fake and barely tastes delicious.


    chocolate because its so full of shit.


    oreo cookie ice cream – because religions always see things in black and white

    (i only find these funny because she’s a ministers wife… and is a pretty faithful christian…)

  • Neapolitan, because they only choose the parts they like and leave the parts they don’t.

  • Vanilla – because it’s just boring!

  • Kathryn

    Cheap ice cream. Because ultimately, it’s not worth it.

    Or Blue Moon, because theistards only think once in a blue moon! Harhar.

  • I’ll go with chocolate, because it’s copied in so many other flavours, and no matter how much, people keep eating it right up.

  • Banana Walnut (wingnut) Ice Cream – The presence of the intelligently designed banana fits so nicely in your hand as you slurp up the tasty nutty flavor.

  • Mriana

    Heavenly Hash, because a case could be made some religionists are on hash- thus heavenly hash.

  • Ubi Dubium

    Well, Baptist flavor ice cream is labeled chocolate chip, but it’s really rum raisin.

    The Amish don’t cotton to newfangled things like that! Plain unfrozen cream’s not good enough for you?

    Judaism ice cream is whatever flavor your mother slaved over for days to make for you, and aggravated her arthritis, so would it hurt you to call her once in a while?

    Buddhism ice cream has only one flavor, but it’s the one with everything.

    The Fundamentalists all eat vanilla, but they have faith it’s whatever flavor the bible says it is.

    I don’t know what flavor Scientology ice cream is, I’ve never managed to swallow it!

    Atheism ice cream has beef, pork, alcohol and caffeine in it, so we can have it all to ourselves.

  • Jehovah’s Almond Fudge because its flavor is just heavenly and more than a little nutty.

  • Ray Harrington

    I just envision someone with a picket sign reading, “It’s Ben & MARY, not Ben & Jerry!” Then yelling at people to stay away from the “Sacrelicious Frozen Treats”. I guess they don’t have Crucifudge because that would require mixing chocolate and vanilla.

  • Cherry-picking Garcia?

  • Woodchips’n’Musk: Bringing you the best in musty old books and criss-crossed tree branches since 50,000 B.C.E.

    Now with a hint of real sacrificial blood!

  • GoDamn

    belgian orange chocolate – it looks like shit, tastes like shit…OH CRAP! IT IS SHIT!!!

    Vanilla – Its tasteless but no one wants to admit it so they keep forcing it down their throats because everyone else seems to be enjoying it so much.

  • The Catholic church would be a giant tub of bloated, year-old vanilla. They’ll be sprinkles on the side – but don’t let the pope catch you using it! If you spice it up just a little it won’t be the “true” Catholic faith.

    Protestant denomination WILL have the sprinkles – as well as chocolate syrup, maple syrup, some cherries, and a few bits of jalapeño peppers which makes you wonder if the entire bloated tub isn’t just bat shit crazy. It probably is, oh, but it’s still vanilla.

    Judaism would be some ice cream flavour you never heard of and never seen – only the chosen people are allowed to eat that, as long as it’s kosher.

  • Rose

    Pat and Jerry’s Tub O’ Guilt

  • Bill M.

    Unflavored of course, flavoring is a sin against god.

  • Bill M.

    Anything except Chunky Monkey. Monkey’s, stupid Darwin.

  • Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Plain vanilla chock full of half-baked nuggets!

  • boo

    Catholic would be mint chocolate chip because kids will eat anything with chocolate and the mint takes the cock smell out of their mouths before they go home.

    Jehova’s Witness would be a push-pop because they’re easy on the go.

    Hindu would be any left overs that can be reincarnated as a curry-licisous dessert.

  • How about some more exotic flavors?

    Ube ice cream, because it tastes okay if you try it, but from the outside, it’s a freaking bright shade of purple.

    Red bean ice cream, because you later realize that the ancient tradition of red beans is based on the idea that red is a lucky color, and that they only taste good because they’re boiled in sugar.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

    Evangelicals would be Pralines ‘n Cream

    Really its just the same vanilla you’ve always had but they try to distract you with the sweet bits. It you look close you will see that under the praline are a bunch of nuts.

  • Christianity – Vanilla, because let’s face it, ever since that whole “missionary position only” thing life has been rather bland…

    Buddhism – Everything *including* the kitchen sink

    Zen Buddhism – There is no ice cream

    Islam – I’d tell you, but I’m tired of the death threats

    Judaism – Vanilla with cinnamon sugar, so it feels like the ice cream with sand in it their ancestors ate

    Shinto – Whatever flavor your ancestors ate

    Atheism – No flavor at all, because the ice cream doesn’t exist

  • Mitchbert

    Butter Rum. Pretend like you’re getting a buzz on, but everyone knows there’s nothing there.

  • J Myers

    Any flavor will do; once blessed, it transubstantiates into freeze-dried Jesus.

  • kshack

    Some of these sound like other replies, but this was the list I came up with:

    Rocky Road- cause christians live such a persecuted and tortured life.

    Banana Split – because it’s proof of a creator.

    Vanilla – anything else would be a sin.

    soy dream (any flavor) – because all religions are fake and imaginary

  • Ubi Dubium

    Oh, and one more –

    To make Christian Science ice cream, mix all the ingredients in a bowl, then pray and pray some more that God will freeze it for you. If he doesn’t, well then it must just be God’s will that you not have ice cream. Sorry.

  • Justice M

    New Age: Find every flavor in the store and throw it all in a blender. Candy cane-licorice-choco-nilla-banana-pistachio-green tea-bubble gum-Neapolitan-strawberry-pecan-low fat-extra cream-ice cream-ice milk-frozen yogurt ripple. With two of every kind of berry on top. Then tell people that it will taste good and be the best ever flavor if they only visualize and believe hard enough! Especially if they eat it on a day of significance to the Mayan calendar as viewed through Taoist numerology and charted in a European astrological chart…

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