Complete the Atheist Joke #4 March 14, 2008

Complete the Atheist Joke #4

Got a punchline…?

How do you make an atheist mad?

[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

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  • Tom

    I don’t know, but I know how you make an atheist.


  • “Tell him that he may not believe in God but God believes in him.”

    “Tell him you’ll pray for him.”

    “Tell him he’s not being open minded by being skeptical.”

    “Splash him with holy water and tell him he’s blessed.”

    “You can’t, atheists are already mad.”

  • the Shaggy

    Accept his worldview without listening to his evidence.

  • Shalini

    Tell him that you can disprove the idea of there being no god, but there is no way he would be able to disprove the existence of god because god simply IS there.

  • webwombat

    Key his karma and kick his dogma

  • Flush a copy of “The God Delusion” down the toilet. Draw a cartoon featuring Charles Darwin.

  • Relax

    Try to convert his dog to religion.

  • Cut her off in traffic.

  • Ashes

    Easy — Tell him/her that Christians are traditionally nomads. (Yay for puns!)

  • Poke her with a sharp stick.

  • Give him a Bible for his birthday. Seriously, Jake, not cool.

  • Give birth to a baby instead of aborting it.

  • Kai

    Recite the US Pledge of Allegience after 1954.

    Smite her.

    Circumsize him.

  • Show him/her a picture of Kirk Cameron.

  • Call him an agnostic!

  • Tell him Jesus still loves him.

  • sam

    listen to his evidence that there is now god, but still have faith anyway.

    kill him to show him how wrong he was.

    strike him with your lighting bolt

  • Joe

    Tell them Big Bang and Evolution are flawed because you can’t make something out of nothing.

  • Josha

    Scoff and say there’s no such thing as a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    After finding a chip that resembles an ancient religious figure, call it a sign from god that indubitably proves his existence.

    Call atheism a religion.

  • Woodwose

    After a delicate life saving operation where your doctor has pulled you through by use of his skills, training, and determination; complete strangers have donated blood or organs; and you have had the singleness of purpose and guts to participate in rehabilitation and treatment regimes , say “I think you should thank god you made it.”

  • Richard Wade

    Tell him he’s angry when he’s not.

    Tell him about any of his thoughts or feelings rather than asking him.

    Tell him if he doesn’t act like a complete asshole around theists then he’s a Neville Chamberlain atheist.

    Tell him he’s acting like a complete asshole around theists just because he’s politely disagreeing with them.

  • Milena

    Call her a fool repeatedly and attempt to back up your claim with BANANAS!

  • Teach creationism instead of the scientific method in school.

    Teaching young children that if they don’t believe in Jesus Christ, they will go to Hell and be tortured forever.

  • Tell them you don’t have enough faith to be an Atheist.

    Mention “New Atheism”

    Claim you are offended by someone comparing your God to fairies, Santa Clause, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster without addressing the reasons for disbelief in those entities.

    Warn them of their impending hellfire appointment.

  • Richard Wade

    Consistently spell it “athiest”

    After he’s poked dozens of holes in your argument, tell him with a condescending tone that you’ll pray for him.

    Ring his doorbell on Saturday morning to offer him your religious literature and a membership in your religious organization.

    Come back two weeks later even though he asked you not to.

    Talk about love with an undertone of contempt.

    Say the U.S. is a “Christian nation.”

    Accept all the gifts of science but none of the responsibility when it doesn’t flatter your ego or soothe your childish fears.

    Dismiss the importance of empirical evidence in general until it proves that you are innocent of a serious crime.

    Suggest that he live in the first century and the twenty-first century at the same time like you do.

    Say he’s too nice to be an atheist.

  • Billy S

    Call him out on the insidious influence that he has on America’s Christian heritage and culture. Tell him how immoral he is, how he has no basis for morality, and that he is only an atheist so that he can have promiscuous sex with firemen and labradors without feeling guilt for the possibility of our Divine Father’s judgment. Tell him how religion has never done any wrong, how science is a farce, how God is a clear Truth in all things around us, but the foolish atheist just refuses to acknowledge it. And then lament at the persecution that he rains upon your head, and express how typical this behavior is for atheists….

    Or just take away his daily roast toddler and sin sandwich…atheists become very agitated when they are not given the freedom to feast upon innocent Christian children, and indulge in their own wretchedness…

  • Spurs Fan

    If he’s a gay atheist, tell him “God made Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve!”

  • Tell him that every atheist is a Christian waiting to be born.

  • ash

    imbalance their chemicals

  • GoDamn

    Tell her that she actually believes in god. That is why she calls herself ‘A Theist’.

    Tell her all modern technology is due to god working through humans.

    When she proves you don’t really follow your god and so, dont believe in him and are an atheist, tell her, “You made some good points. I must be an atheist. Ill pray about this to Jesus tonight and ask for his opinion”.

    Tell her, “You are intolerant for refusing to accept my intolerat views”.

    Say “If man can artificially impregnate a virgin woman, how hard would that be for god?”

  • Take away my bag of frozen babies. I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR THE SPRING EQUINOX BACCHANALIA, MOM!

  • txatheist

    State the bible is literal history.

  • Spurs Fan

    Tell him/her, “I don’t hate Atheists. Some of my best friends are atheists!”

  • kshack

    She tells you that not teaching your children about jesus is child abuse. Says she’s going to call child protective services, and that you’re condemning your child’s immortal soul to hell.

  • QrazyQat

    Have a rabid Christian bite him.

  • Say to your kids, “C’mon honey, it’s not nice to stare,” as you gently pull them away from the atheist.

  • Plant fossil rabbits in the precambrian. Then, when they’re excavated, have them ascend up to “heaven.”

  • sam

    kill his dog

  • Rosie

    confuse abiogenesis with the theory of evolution

  • Brandon

    Know only one credible scientist and assume the god he’s talking about is the same as yours.

  • Neron

    Atheist thank’s to god…

    Fuck, it’s annoying

  • Throw a Bible at her while screaming, “I am filled with Christ’s love!”

    I love that movie.

    PS I know that she wasn’t really an atheist, but it was still a funny scene.

  • jdcollins

    Ask, “So if we evolved from monkeys, how come monkeys still exist?”

    p.s. I’ve tried to debate this moronic argument many times and just get blank stares.

  • Joe

    Tell him or her, “Jesus loves you!” and expectantly await their immediate conversion.

    Surprise them with a banana.

  • Take away his civil liberties in the interest of national security.

  • Stephanie

    You ask them why they don’t believe. They always have some terrible thing that has happened to them. Somethng in their church when they were a kid. Or God didn’t save someone they loved. They died a horrible death, and where was this loving God? Basically, you confront them with the fact that they have always known, God DOES exist, but why wasn’t he there for me?
    And that is why they get so angry.

  • Jacob Dink

    Hmm, Stephanie, I think you need to work on your jokes…

    Also, that’s never happened to me (never lost anyone, life kicks ass), and I don’t believe in God. Does that mean I’m not an Atheist? Or that you’re being silly?

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