Friendly Atheist Contest #19: Christ Lightning February 28, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #19: Christ Lightning

Last week, I ran this contest:

Recently, Jesus was struck by lightning:


Why was he being punished by God?

(Thanks to Chris for the suggestion!)

Here are the Top 5 responses (with submitters)!


God was trying to make his skin color a little more realistic.



Jesus stole God’s last Zebra Cake, as forbidden by Commandment 11: Thou shalt not covet thy father’s snacky cake.



“… and then I turned a stone into a fish THIS BIG!!… Ouch! Damn it Dad!”



“Hey dad, I’ve got this killer itch on my back. Could you–oh yeah. That’s the spot.”



That’s not lightening, that’s his noodly appendage captured on film. RAmen


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

The Mormon church now has its own publishing imprint! The first project will be to “publish all of the known personal papers, correspondence, journals and other primary sources of Mormonism’s founding leader, Joseph Smith…”

What other titles will the Mormon church be publishing?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

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  • Joe Mello

    “With Teeth That Blind: The Saga of the Osmond Family”

  • “The Secret Diary of Moroni, Son of Mormon, Aged 13 and a half.”

  • “Life With the Smiths: How to Keep Fifteen Wives Happy”

  • James

    “How to translated ancient languages from golden plates for illiterate Dummies”

  • I heard that the Mormon Church was going to release a monthly series of books that Joseph Smith might have exhorted his minions to read. They’re calling it “Joe’s Book Club,” and the initial line up includes these wildly popular titles:

    The Missionary Position: How to Debate the Heathen without Getting Your Secret Underwear in a Tizzy

    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Mercury, a relationship manual for the polygamous.

    The Quite Safe, Unadventurous, and Rather Prudent Book for Boys, which prepares young boys to become missionaries, and is filled with fascinating advice: “How to tie a tie!” and “Don’t touch yourself there”

    And finally, Coffee in the Morning, that salacious tale of a man brought down by a terrible secret vice.

  • pip

    “One Wife, Two Wife, Old Wife, New Wife: Baby’s First Book of Counting and Sorting”.

  • “Seven Steps to Removing Skid Marks from Your Holy Underwear”

  • The Sacred Skivvies: How Mormon Underwear Saved My Life

  • “Jesus and Moroni – Decaf and O’douls with the Founders”

  • Mriana

    Joseph’s Dreams of Psychodelic Colours: A Sequel to Joseph’s Coat of Many Colours.

  • Renacier

    “The Three Little Nephites and the Big Bad Lamanite: A Child’s Guide to Race Relations.”

  • “Eerily Convenient Revelations Revising Mormon Theology.”

    Except that’s too big for one book. Let’s make that:

    “Eerily Convenient Revelations Revising Mormon Theology: Volume 1 of 12.”

  • Ted

    Black Priests and Monogamy: a History of the Mormon Church post 1978

  • the Shaggy

    “Schroedinger’s Cat in the Hat: How Joseph Smith translated uncertainty, (and why unobserved Golden Plates support God).”

    “President AND Prophet: Could Huckabee take it all?”

    “My Moroni and Jesus.” (In the sense of “macaoni and cheese” – a stretch to rhyme, sure. But meh.)

  • Robin

    “Battlefield Utah”

  • Teach Yourself Reformed Egyptian in 21 days – complete with CDs and a pronounciation guide.

  • Diane

    Six Brothers Too Many: A Critical Analysis of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

  • From Kolob to Kokaubeam: How to Find Stars With Your Eyes Shut

    Seer Stoners: Profiting as a Prophet

  • Miracles we probably shouldn’t believe in
    Jesus, born of a virgin: Okay
    Jesus dead for three days then came back to life: Okay
    Jesus came to America: Okay
    A talking salamander: No!

  • Old Beezle

    1. Secret Handshakes 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Mormonism
    2. Secret Mormons in History: from Adam and Eve to George Washington
    3. How to Build a Religion with Only Two Rocks and a Hat
    4. Pasta a la Joe: Joseph Smith’s Unpublished Revelations on the Flying Spaghetti Monster
    5. Contradictions in Mormonism, Vol. 666
    6. Jesus Had Blue Eyes
    7. I’m Not Brainwashed! I Just Choose to Follow.
    8. Breed ‘em Young: The Life and Times of a Polygamist
    9. We Are Right. We Are Right. We Are Right.
    10. Public Relations Prophets: How the Mormons Went from Wilderness Wackos to Family Values
    11. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: The Untold Story of the First Mormon Presidential Hopeful

  • Robin

    I was recently in a Salt Lake City gay porno shop, where I saw a magazine called “Seven Brothers for Seven Brothers”.

  • Seduction Techniques Using Temple Underwear
    The Complete Book of Utahn Names, from Arnolene to Zzyzuxmina
    Dealing with Multiple Mothers-in-Law
    Prophecy for Fun and Profit
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    Reformed Egyptian to English Dictionary

  • New New Testament reading with Rose colored glasses.

  • From their Academic series:

    “Archeology of North America: Absence of evidence means you haven’t dug deep enough.”

    Languages of the North American Indigenous Peoples (Brigham Young Studies in Semitic Language Series).

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