Friendly Atheist Contest #18: Lent

Last week, I ran this contest:

What did you (or would you) give up for Lent?

Here are the Top 3 responses (with submitters)!

I’d give up Klondike bars.

Then, when someone asks me what I’d do for one, I’d say “not break my lenten sacrifice, jerk!”

(Brad)

I’m giving up my civil liberties (what’s left of them)… as a practice run just in case Huckabee manages to pull out a win.

(Anne)

i’m giving up the shift key. among other things, this means no money, no email, no quotes, no questions, and no excitement. i’ll probably miss the snide parenthetical remarks most.

(John)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

Recently, Jesus was struck by lightning:

Why was he being punished by God?

(Thanks to Chris for the suggestion!)

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

Aaron Lemur Mintz

congratulations to all of the winners.

[but dear john, you don’t need a shift key to make snide remarks]
Aaron

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! *crack-thoom*
Tolga K.

It wasn’t long ago that Zeus declared himself the only beard-worthy entity.

The cleansing has begun…
MercuryBlue

Jesus wasn’t being punished by the lightning any more than Jesus was being punished at the Crucifixion. This was Jesus taking the punishment for sins again. Bush’s mass murders in Iraq for starters.
THz

That’s not lightening, that’s his noodly appendage captured on film. RAmen
Flusterphonic

“Hey dad, I’ve got this killer itch on my back. Could you–oh yeah. That’s the spot.”
stogoe

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! *crack-thoom*

Curse them, the thieves! They stole my precious punchline!

Anyways:

Jesus is being punished because He let Himself be made unto a graven image.
Tom

I recently posted this image at loltheist.com. Ok, so I like the LOLZ thing. I can have flaws, you know!

No Graven Images
jonathan

“….and then I turned a stone into a fish THIS BIG!!…. Ouch! Damn it Dad!”
Doug

“I said NO graven images! How could i be anymore clear! Ooh, i just got an idea!
Brian

It says right here, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image”

But DAD!

I’m sorry, but if I let you, then I have to let everyone else. CRACK BOOOOM!
Nadine

Jesus stole God’s last Zebra Cake, as forbidden by Commandment 11:
Thou shalt not covet thy father’s snacky cake.
Brian

How… ZAP… many… ZAP… times… ZAP… have… ZAP… I… ZAP… told… ZAP… you… ZAP…
J.S.Brown

And Jesus said, “If I am lying, may lightning strike me where I stand.”
Darwin’s Dagger

He’s not being punished, he’s changing into Captain Marvel. SHAZAM!
Iztok

The God said: “Let us create a lightning rod”. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the two millionth hundred ninety thousand and sixty fourth day.
Iztok

God said: “I see you hiding there in North Carolina, you infidel you! I’ll strike you with lightning”…

God: “Sh**, I’ve missed again…”
Mriana

Zeus didn’t claim him as his son, so he zapped him.
Alyx

“Oh yeah! Well you’re not the boss of -”
ZZZZZAP!!
Matt

Hinduism had a better benefits package, so Jesus put in his 2 week notice with the big man upstairs.
Josha

Why was Jesus being punished by God?

He was campaigning for Huckabee.
Matt

That’s not punishment. The papists have enlisted the 5th great granddaughter of Frankenstein to speed up the Second Coming.

FAIL
PrimateIR

Lightening actually goes from the ground up. And Jesus is zapping God because he’s next in line to the crown
Xan

He blinked, thus ending a long-standing staring contest. You can’t beat God.
Auryn

When I saw that picture of the lightning I had to make my own version.
Eivo

“…it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE! Now I know what it feels like to be, err, Me!”
lo-rez

A lightning bolt strikes Earth’s tallest statue of Christ…on a Wednesday..about 1000 years after the first attempts are made to christianize Scandinavia.

Jesus? Make way for Thor, son of Woden. The future of religion is Norse Paganism and WAY TOO METAL FOR CHRIST.
Jeff

PrimateIR said,
Lightening actually goes from the ground up. And Jesus is zapping God because he’s next in line to the crown

Damn!!! I was going to say that.

Jesus: “Its not finished yet!!!” And Jesus zaps God. Patricide.
Philip

After ages of inattention he finally realized the actual designer of the Christ the Redeemer monument (Heitor Silva Costa) was an atheist. Take that!
the Shaggy

“Feel that, Christ? That’s the Quickening!”

… yes, I know that Highlander has already been used. So here’s another:

He’s being punished for ignoring reasonable behaviour, which would tell him that standing on the top of a bare hill in the middle of a lighning storm was a silly idea. God is telling him that if you blindly believe you will survive, nature can kick your ass.
Bob Kowalski

Power! I must have MORE POWER!!! THE RESURRECTION ENGINE IS ALMOST FULLY CHARGED!!!
Fumui

“What the? Is Jesus doing that stupid David Blane levitation thing again??? If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times…!!”
Fumui

Just thought of another one:

“For the last time Jesus, you are not “The Boy Who Could Fly! Now come down. Come down NOW! That’s it, 1…..2…..3!!!”
Tolga K.

I had to do it son… That part of your statue was built by an atheist.
Brett

Captain Marvel should win, but I’ll throw in anyway.

Jesus broke curfew, and this was his spanking.
Mike

His wide open arms were giving people the false-impression that he accepts everybody.
-or-
God was trying to make his skin color a little more realistic.
-or-
Statue needed “crucifixion wounds” for realism.
Riker

…and on the third day he generated the necessary 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity, in fulfillment of the scriptures, and ascended into 1985.
Cade

Jesus was trying to go back to the future, but he ran out of plutonium.
Becky

Why is he being punished? He changed his robe to a more modern, comfortable Poly-cotton blend, of course! And as all good christians know, (hahaha) mixing fibers is an offense to god. (Deuteronomy 22:11)
James

A second vicarious atonement for the homosexuals, heathens, atheists and proponents of global warming.
Marshdogga

take that jesus!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

10 points!!!
Cafeeine

See? SEE???

I can too do miracles! All of you atheists kept demanding miaracles so I spanked my son again! Will you believe now?? And will you please stop all that homo love now, you know it offends me…

xxx
God
Derrida

“I don’t know how to tell you this, son, but you were adopted.

Mostly from the pagan religions.”

“NOOOOO!!!”
Adam Bourne

A little late I think, but the obvious caption would be

“He’s NOT the Messiah, he’s a VERY NAUGHTY BOY!”
Mark Webster

What you are missing because you are so far away is that this is actually an extremely romantic moment.

Jesus, “I’m flying, Jack!”
Tony

God was angry because Jesus had dropped all of his dad’s marbles. Again.