Friendly Atheist Contest #14: Dog Prays to God January 13, 2008

Friendly Atheist Contest #14: Dog Prays to God

By Guest Contributor
January 13, 2008

Last week, I ran this contest:

What will be the New Year’s Resolution for any of the “New Atheists” (Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, etc.)?

Here are the Top 3 resolutions (with submitters)!

3|

Hitchens’ resolution – Get a fragrance named after him. The scent? A combination of whiskey, rum, tequila, and cigarette smoke.

(JoshH)

2|

Hitchens: This year, I will do more drinking, and less thinking.

(William)

1|

Dawkins: This year I’m going to give up this preposterous accent and switch to a Southern Drawl.

(Munjaros)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

FriendlyAtheistBand

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What is this dog thinking?

DogPraying

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!


[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

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  • bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon,

    bacon bacon bacon bacon,

    bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon,

    Amen

  • Matt

    Snausages!

  • Mriana

    Dog of all Dogs, tell my human that god is just dog spelled backwards and he’s talking to the greatest dog there ever was- ME!

  • Alinvain

    hmm. how’s this go again??
    1. paws on bed
    2. close eyes while kid mutters something
    3. “good doggie”
    4. mmmm. biscuit.

  • “It’s not fair, is it? I always get bacon treats for this trick, but I never see the kid get anything.”

  • Duh. He’s honouring God. Haven’t you read Isaiah 43:20? Heathens and perverts, the lot of you.

  • pip

    Halfway onto the bed! Stay calm, don’t make the first move.

  • Munjaros

    “Woof woof woof woof. Woof, woof woof. Woof.”

  • “This kid must be dyslexic, because I can still hear him.”

  • Now if I fake praying before I sleep,
    My master gives me treats so sweet;
    Despite the sense Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris make
    For biscuits or bacon I will surely fake.

  • Let’s see. Master says to put my paws on the bed and turn my nose up. After the flash, I’ll get a treat. Sounds like a plan!

  • Eliza

    Dear Sirius,

    Please make the cat go lame and become really, really slow, and also please make it so that this boy looks away during dinner, so I can snag the meat off his plate, like I did that one time, wow that was good! Oh yeah, and peace among all dogs, and all that, except of course for that stupid Dalmation down the street that I love to bark at. You can have him neutered. Thanks.

    Amen.

  • Richard Wade

    As soon as the kid’s asleep I’m off to my Dogs of Religious Families support group. I really need some encouragement. This is so humiliating.

  • Oh mighty Anubis, even though he prays to false idols, please deliver him anyway to the Kingdom of the Dead.

  • Heh. Dumb kid doesn’t even realize I’m pissing under the bed right now.

  • anti-nonsense

    WTF is that kid doing? Why did I end up in a family of crazies?

  • dear god,
    please let lucky, spot, and i to all see color

  • Newtish Inglenook

    Constipated Dog Awaits Almighty Intervention!

  • Tonight you sent your one and only own son to die for my sins, at the hands of this family. Lord we thank you for this sacrifice.

    But Father, forgive this boy. He knows not what he’s done, And forgive me for licking the plate clean.

    In the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Amen.

  • “If I move my rear end two inches to the left, I can drop it right into his slippers.”

  • “If I do this long enough my theistic master, who’s taking this photograph, will give me a doggy biscuit.”

  • Are you there, God? It’s me, Fido.

    Listen, you know and I both know you exist. Bu, I’m worried about my buddy next to me. You see, he was born dyslexic, he never sleeps at night and I think he’s falling into agnosticism.

    I mean, it’s 3 AM and he’s sitting over there wondering if I really exist!

  • “Let’s see if prayer keeps you upright, eh? PUSH..!”

  • Frank Desmond

    And they call me a dumb animal.

  • jdcollins

    Ooooh, I love the way the clean carpet feels on the bare ass…mmmm…

  • “Maybe if I wish hard enough, invisible cat in ceiling will give me ice cream!”

  • “Howling’s the best!… Hey, where’s the moon?”

  • Iris

    Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket

  • terri

    Ahhh, that’s the spot! Keep scratching!
    (to person behind dog)

  • ryan

    Boy: “Please Lord, don’t let me wet the bed again tonight. I don’t want to have to blame the dog again.”

    Dog: “Please God, don’t let the boy wet the bed anymore. The little liar blames it on me and I’ve been potty trained for years! They make me sit outside for HOURS, in the cold, when it’s raining, without shelter or food! Why must you test my faith like this?”

  • Alyx

    Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray you, Lord, much food and meat.
    And if I die before I wake,
    I pray you grant me meat to take *cough with me to heaven cough*
    Amen
    PS – throw in some extra biscuits, if you’d be so kind…

  • “Once the kid realizes that his supposed “god” is just a backwards version of the one true Lord of the Universe, Dog Almighty, then maybe he’ll bring me that delicious ham…maybe.”

  • “And so…” God continued, “…unlike pigeons, both dogs and humans repeatedly elicited the conditioned response even in the absence of any stimulus at all. Strangest of all, the dogs would at least stop after a shock was administered for their praying, showing at least half the intelligence of the pigeons, but the humans just kept right on at it, no matter what tragedy befell them for it, muttering some nonsense about Job and continually repeating the conditioned response.” He cleared his throat. “I really wish I would have trained them to perform a more useful task, like building me a hammock.”

  • David Murdock

    “Lord, I am your humble servant. Please grant me 72 bitches in the Afterlife.”

  • “God, it’s Timmy. See, I taught my doggy to pray to you like I do. So can you make me able to lick my own nuts like he does?”

  • “God smells delicious!”

  • Eliza

    Oh boy, oh boy! I can hump the bedframe in this position!

  • Stu

    Newton, Newton, Newton, Newton, Newton

  • Jordan

    “I can’t wait for the Eucharist of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!”

  • pansies4me

    …and please God, make Timmy stop spanking me with the latest issue of Freethought Today!

    (note) gratuitous plug for the Freedom From Religion Foundation

    -Lisa

  • Dear god,

    Thumbs, please.

    Amen.

  • Cade

    Why the heck am I doing this again? I thought that all dogs go to heaven!

  • djinsomniac

    God,

    WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!!!

  • Tamy

    Having caught the scent of garbage in the air…Johnny’s dad ponders, the dog or my son? Little Johnny tries hard to stifle a giggle.

  • Mats

    Dog: “Thank God I am not an atheist!”

  • c-serpent

    Kid won’t let me hump his leg. I guess his bed will do.

  • Rosie

    “God won’t give him what he wants, but I sure as heck am going to leave him a nice surprise.”

  • ash

    dog logic;-

    god answers prayers, i pray for biscuits. god = parent figures.
    god has son called jesus. jesus = short for larry.

    i plan to give jesus a big ol’ tongue bath later.

  • Daktar

    The humans believe in this and they’re in charge?

  • Robin

    “What’s that you’re saying, God? Timmy’s little brother just fell down into the well? And it’s up to ME to rescue him?”