Friendly Atheist Contest #13: The New Atheists’ New Year’s Resolutions

Last week, I ran this contest:

Complete the next line(s) of the poem:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

I was just expecting a couple lines, but some of you wrote entire poems! And they were awesome. I’m only included some lines of the winning poems below, but the link provided sends you to the entire thing.

Here are the Top 5 lines… or more (with submitters)!

In the week before Christmas, commercials abound
Letting us know of the sales all around
The billboards were run by the highway with care
In hopes that consumers soon would be there…

(Full poem)

(Tim)

My life mate and I, seeing kids off to their bed
Decided to stay up and watch TV instead.
Then as it went on our ears burst in pain
FOX News was having its ‘War on Christmas’ again.

(Anatoly)

As the pious Christian families were kneeling in prayer
The atheists began a war on christmas, Bill-O did declare.
“They hate the sweet baby Jesus,” the right-winger host did say.
“Stop giving gifts, heathens. This is our Good ‘Ol US of A.”
Sure, we don’t mind, you can have prayers and your nativity
But we just prefer Einstein’s theory of relativity.

(Josha)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
We hide in silence, the creatures and I, all equally fearful,
Outside the Evangelicals swarm, they’ll give you an earful

Yowling and buzzing, a song of insect and cat,
A hideous, horrible, heinous Hillsong, if you could imagine that,
“Lord this, Lord that, baby Jebus be praised,
Believe us, The Word is Truth. You’ll be shocked and amazed!”

(Full poem)

(Bartlett)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
For the mouse was dead, the children sedated,
And Santa was late, the neighborhood gated.

He got to the house, nanosecond to ten,
Dropped off the coal, in the atheists’ den.
He does this work early, to save him some stress,
The naughty were many, logistics a mess.

(Full poem)

(Anon)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What will be the New Year’s Resolution for any of the “New Atheists” (Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, etc.)?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

JoshH

Hitchens’ resolution – Get a fragrance named after him. The scent? A combination of whiskey, rum, tequila, and cigarette smoke.
William

Hitchens: This year, I will do more drinking, and less thinking.
Munjaros

Hitchens: This year I will stop drinking whiskey and switch to Cosmos.
Munjaros

Hemant: This year I’m going to buy my soul back.
Munjaros

Dawkins: This year I’m going to give up this preposterous accent and switch to a Southern Drawl.
Andrew

Dawkins: Go to space “for atheism”… wait…
Jeff

Harris: I resolve to come up with a succinct catchy phrase that means “atheism” without using either “theism” or the letter “A” — something that no religious person would find offensive or uncomfortable.
Bartlett

Woohoo! 2nd! How do I claim my prize?

(not a “New Atheist” but oh well)
Kathy Griffin (New Years Day 2007): To overcome my crippling inability to say anything that may cause offense, staggeringly blasphemous requests for sexual favours in particular.
theShaggy

Brian Fleming: “I will deny the holy spirit.”

James Randi: “I will dance more to any old stereo cables.”

Teller: “…”

Since someone did Hemant, I’ll follow…

the Friendly Atheist: “Having sold my sole on eBay, this year I will sell my cod on Craigslist Personals.”

Too much of a stretch?

Man, I don’t think any of them were funny. Sorry about that.