Friendly Atheist Contest #12: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Last week, I ran this contest:

What newspaper headline would atheists most like to read?

Here are the Top 5 headlines (with submitters)!

Natalie Portman holding out for the atheist Mr. Right

(Ben)

The Rapture is here. All dogs go to heaven. Christians confused.

(Jeff)

One nation, indivisible

(Rebecca)

Study shows atheists have significantly bigger penises than believers

(Jennifurret)

Government Gives All Atheists Tax Exempt Status, Pony

(P.S.)

If #2 was true, it would do more for atheism than the “New Atheists” ever could… Sam Harris would become irrelevant!

And if the pony wasn’t included in #1, you know we’d reject the deal.

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

And because there were submitted headlines atheists may not want to see, but were still amusing, here’s a list of some honorable mentions:

Shroud of Turin Found to be a Missing Link in Evolution! (Becky)

“God Says: ‘It’s Only a Flesh Wound!'” (Anatoly)

Russell’s Teapot spotted: Was on Russell’s Table the whole time. (Bartlett)

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

Complete the next line(s) of the poem:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

"Throw the book at them!"

Len

Grand Rapids (MI) Cops Have Formed ..."

"Maybe the police will shoot the clergy."

"Hilarious way to find out if being tased will happen to kill you. Of course, ..."

Revenant

"But Tasers are standard issue for tourist visits to the Capitol Building these days."

Chris T

Tim

I actually wrote an entire song to this affect just the other day, for my band. Here’s the line you want, though:

The billboards were run by the highway with care
In hopes that consumers soon would be there…

Here’s the whole deal, for those who are interested:

In the week before Christmas, commercials abound
Letting us know of the sales all around
The billboards were run by the highway with care
In hopes that consumers soon would be there…

Commercial season’s come ’round again
Another good year for Microsoft and
Nintendo and Sony, all the labels, too
Washed-up singers with tired songs for you

Play the same eighty covers every year
Spouting your bullshit about “Christmas cheer”
Celebrities you thought had faded away
Come back to the limelight for one single day

And then it’s all over, in the blink of an eye
With $9000 in gifts, you’re wondering why
Spending so much turned out to be lots
Less smarter than you originally thought

Well, Merry Fucking Christmas
I hope you’re having fun
But if you’re sick of all the fake snow
You’re not the only one
We’re heading south for the winter
To get us some sun
We’ll be back when this charade
Is all said and done.
ash

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

there was, however, plenty of furore in heaven, when it turned out there was a god, he was omnibenevolent, and not only did he take the filthy atheists, even the fucking vermin had been raptured by accident.
ash

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

turns out the best way to get rid of all christmas dissenters is poison gas.
ash

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

the underpants, however, had been hastily stuffed down the back of the sofa when they heard the key in the lock.
Anatoly

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
My life mate and I, seeing kids off to their bed
Decided to stay up and watch TV instead.
Then as it went on our ears burst in pain
FOX News was having its ‘War on Christmas’ again.”
Tolga K.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
For the mouse was dead, the children sedated,
And Santa was late, the neighborhood gated.

He got to the house, nanosecond to ten,
Dropped off the coal, in the atheists’ den.
He does this work early, to save him some stress,
The naughty were many, logistics a mess.

The lights came on, in came the daddy,
Shotgun in hand, pointed at fatty.
“Out of my house, you red and white bum
Before I pop your ass with this 12 gauge slug for breaking through my fireplace and leaving a mess of coal and soot all over the carpet…

I mean look at it. My beliefs don’t make me a bad person you ignorant oaf. Now leave before my finger slips… he exclaimed.”
“Ho Ho Ho! A fighter by chance!”
Santa says back, moving into a stance.

The atheist pa throws the gun to a chair,
and sets up his arms, with tight fists in the air.
“All this time, I thought you were shy;
For disrupting my peace, you’re going to DIE!!!”

The heathen and geezer began a great struggle,
The furniture and walls, were reduced to rubble;
As both angry men continued their war,
A knock and a ring, were chimed from the door.

The time was quite late, the men thought to themselves,
Dad hoping for cops, and Santa for elves.
‘Twas neither they saw, as they ran to the hatch,
Swinging blows at each other, while opening the latch.

Ted Haggard was there, his cronies in tow,
Pitchforks and torches, boots crushing the snow.
“Down with the heretic!” The hypocrite screamed,
While off of the windows, his ugly face gleamed.

“Forgive me Santa, for intruding tonight,
I’ve been sent by my people, to do what is right.
Non-Christians are evil, the reason for your coal,
Let’s end his life early, to hell with his soul.”

The father was scared, but Santa confused,
“You silly fool” old Claus said, with a tone so bemused.
I serve all people, for unlike your thoughts,
My origins are pagan, and we love the lots.

“Nonsense!” Ted said, face hiding his loss.
“You are our love, a man of the cross!”
Santa just laughed, three times a “Ho,”
“I’m sorry you idiot, you just didn’t know.”

Claus went to the man, looked at him with sorrow.
“Your plight shall be over, by this time tomorrow”
He helped the man up, and armed him again.
“This man is destructive, let’s finish him friend.”

The mob ran in fear, aware of the power,
Of two angry people, awake at late hour.
But Haggard had tripped, the snow was too high.
Face flat in the powder, a cramp in his thigh.

“Please spare me” he said, “It’s the right thing to do!
Good things will come of it, if only you knew!”
The united just scoffed, seeing his fib,
Cocked their legs back hard, and beat down his rib.

The pastor was wounded, the message came through,
“If a god existed, it wouldn’t help you.”
The comrades rejoiced, fatigued from the action.
Never they knew, they’d create a faction.

“Come on inside, I know its a mess.”
The father told Santa, in winter-night dress.
“Clean up my carpet, couch, and curtains silk.
Then we’ll rest for the night, with cookies and milk.”

It turns out tonight, the father knew not.
His overreaction had was false, his thoughts just now caught.
Santa was flawed, his map had been pillaged.
The truly bad people, were in the next village.

The fat man expressed his deepest regret.
“Never again shall this mistake be met.”
You had your number, on the ‘Do Not Call’ tome”
Give me permission, and I’ll bring goods to your home.

And off Santa went, towards the moon.
He’d be coming back, to the skeptic’s house soon.
He pushed up the throttle, the jets burned hot white.
The bearded old man, flew off in the night.

The End
Mriana

No mice were stirring because my cats got them all. 😆

Thus we can have a good night’s sleep. 😀
Josha

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
As the pious Christian families were kneeling in prayer
The atheists began a war on christmas, Bill-O did declare.
“They hate the sweet baby Jesus,” the right-winger host did say.
“Stop giving gifts, heathens. This is our Good ‘Ol US of A”.
Sure, we don’t mind, you can have prayers and your nativity
But we just prefer Einstein’s theory of relativity.
Jeff

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Bible stories of old were recited with care,
to consider a mythical Jesus, they did not dare.
Kate

Hahahahaha great headlines, and #1 is DEFINITELY my favorite!!! I totally wish the government would give me a pony. Oh wait, I have one. Well, can the government pay for his hay because of my atheism? 🙂
Bartlett

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
We hide in silence, the creatures and I, all equally fearful,
Outside the Evangelicals swarm, they’ll give you an earful

Yowling and buzzing, a song of insect and cat,
A hideous, horrible, heinous Hillsong, if you could imagine that,
“Lord this, Lord that, baby Jebus be praised,
Believe us, The Word is Truth. You’ll be shocked and amazed!”

They lurch through the neighbourhood, brains rotted beyond repair,
Faces contorted in the rigor of brain-death, but oddly well-groomed hair,
“Oh no!”, cried the mouse, its tiny face a vast wasteland of pain,
It had spotted the worst, “It’s those fucking Carolers again!”

In youth, their songs were beautiful and their meanings complete,
But like last seasons flowers, they withered under Time’s feet,
The words have not changed, nor the exuberant cheer,
But the meanings are now senseless, nonsense now clear

As singers and joculars their talent is mostly unfaulted,
As writers and artists, in no way exalted,
The topic of Jesus is as tedious as the source,
Even without His countless minions flogging the horse,

Bring on the songs I say, but stay your trembling hand
If, frothing at the mouth, you lead a Christian band,
If by acclaim you mean praise and by praise you mean pray,
You can keep your droning, warbling tunes far, far away.
stogoe

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that by morning they’d sag with our share.

And under the tree there were presents galore,
Like precariously teetering towers of yore.

From Robin, and Peter, and old Mom and Dad,
From each to each other there were gifts to be had,

For Peter, a camera, and Robin, some skis,
For Father a novel, and Mother, a Wii.

But the best gift of all, they were heard to declare,
Is to gather together, in love and in care.
jared

One from a Christian —

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The consumerism of Christmas had laid our hearts bare
on the altar of materialism by which most Americans swear.

Clement Clark Moore and Santa have sped us toward doom
with their visions of gifts they are such buffoons.
This sacred day becoming a joke
so all we do is slowly go broke
buying gifts like cds and toys
and not teaching the real purpose for the girls and the boys.

its no wonder they grow to be disillusioned
when they have been taught such terrible confusion.

we tell them about Jesus, but teach them about a fat man
we tell them about a manger, but on sin we place a ban

dirty things like that are not important a bit
at a time about joy and peace and all that shit

This time of year we should remember the start
of the healing of the human heart

The baby born this day was about a renewal of life
This kid would end all human strife.

there was confusion about what he came to bring
but now we know he will be our king
he will give new life and fix every hurt
when he comes back to restore even the dirt.
C. L. Hanson

I like #1 best too. #2 is old news. I performed that study myself, and I confirm it is true. I didn’t test all that many specimens, but the results were pretty conclusive. I’m not sure what it proves though. (No offense but) obsessing about this subject sometimes looks a little like insecurity. Of course with all that idiotic spam filling everyone’s mailboxes daily with “cures,” I guess it’s hard to avoid worrying about it…