Friendly Atheist Contest #11: Atheist Headlines December 12, 2007

Friendly Atheist Contest #11: Atheist Headlines

Last week, I ran this contest:

What other shocking statements will the Pope make in his next encyclical?

Here are the Top 5 statements (with submitters)!


Galileo is back in hell. We retract previous papal decrees to the contrary.



“We need to broaden our outreach to fertilized eggs. At least 50% of naturally conceived fertilized eggs don’t implant – that’s half of humanity! Although a corner of heaven is reserved for them, dying before baptism means they are denied the beatific vision – all because their mother’s womb refused to grant them shelter.

“To the end of saving these souls, we shall institute a weekly baptismal ceremony for the unborn, and require regular attendance of all married or fornicating premenopausal women the Sunday before their monthly flow starts.”



When we said “Limbo doesn’t exist”, we meant the dance.



“The earth is flat, evolution is false, and Christians predated everyone else. Sherri Shepherd is my close disciple.”



“Yes, I’m a Catholic, and bears, well, yeah, they do.”


Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!


If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What newspaper headline would atheists most like to read?

(The idea comes from this post, from a blog for Indian-Americans. Check it out for sample headlines.)

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

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  • Philosopher Jeff

    Pope confesses he is a closet gay atheist.

  • Mriana

    Theism has died!

  • Peter

    George Bush transfigurates; changes name to ‘President Christ’

  • Tolga K.

    The Rapture is here, all Christian influence finally out of our government.
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  • Becky

    Shroud of Turin Found to be a Missing Link in Evolution!


  • Max

    Recent Gallup Poll says 98% of Americans would vote for an Atheist for President

  • Ben

    World Peace Achieved!
    (it didn’t say it had to be topical…)

    Natalie Portman holding out for the atheist Mr. Right

    Al Gore Wins 2000 Presidential Election!
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  • “God Says: ‘It’s Only a Flesh Wound!'”

  • Richard Wade

    Mummified Body of Jesus Found in Catacombs Under Vatican!

    (This story may already have been covered by the National Enquirer)

  • President Mehta Signs World Peace Accord
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  • Bartlett

    Russell’s Teapot spotted: Was on Russell’s Table the whole time.

    A Theist lynched by confused Christian mob in horror typographical error

  • The Rapture is here. All dogs go to heaven. Christians confused.

  • BZ

    Mitt Romney trampled to death by invisible pink unicorns.

  • Scientists find God: It turns out He’s actually just Cosmic Background Radiation

  • One nation, indivisible

  • Ben

    Pastafarianism To Be Given Equal Time in Religious Education, says Church Board

    Invisible Pink Unicorn Seen Leaving Spaghetti Monster’s Motel Room
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  • JeffN

    I see pink Unicorns.
    They tell me to burn things. Or was that the Leprechauns?. 😉


  • Viggo the Carpathian

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  • ellen

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  • Members of Congress Fired for Passing Asinine Christian Resolution: Founding fathers stop spinning in graves.


    All Churches Lose Tax Exempt Status

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    Archaeological Evidence Shows Book Of Genesis Originally Recipe For Barbecued Pork Ribs

  • Cecilie

    Cure For Religion Found
    Swedish scientists acclaimed for 2003 discovery of linking neurotransmitter receptor density to religiosity now report drastic breakthrough in gene therapy technology making possible a cure for religion. Pope Benedict XVI outraged, donates large sum towards research on cure for atheism. “There is no cure for good sense,” state Swedes unruffled, adding: “Except perhaps religion.”

  • Jim

    “Final Votes Counted; Dawkins Wins Florida”

  • Kieran Farrell

    Archaeologist discover missing Bible page!

    Early loose translation shocks Christians worldwide.

    “This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.”

  • God Disputes God

    In a stunning turn of events, God, on a recent visit, shocked onlookers by stating emphatically that he is a figment of his own imagination. He promptly dissolved. Surprisingly, the universe continued to exist. Atheists were the only ones left standing, although several swooned.

  • Viggo the Carpathian

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  • Luther Weeks

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  • P.S.

    Critical Thinking Courses Now Mandatory Part of School Curriculum – Skeptics, Philosophy Majors Rejoice

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  • Huckabee says he believes the book of Mormon.
    Romney says he has always been Jewish.
    Giuliani says he is converting to Islam.
    Clinton says she believes in both Greek and Roman gods.
    Obama says we need to start a new religion.
    Edwards says he doesn’t look like a televangelist.

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