Friendly Atheist Contest #11: Atheist Headlines

Last week, I ran this contest:

What other shocking statements will the Pope make in his next encyclical?

Here are the Top 5 statements (with submitters)!

Galileo is back in hell. We retract previous papal decrees to the contrary.

(Brett)

“We need to broaden our outreach to fertilized eggs. At least 50% of naturally conceived fertilized eggs don’t implant – that’s half of humanity! Although a corner of heaven is reserved for them, dying before baptism means they are denied the beatific vision – all because their mother’s womb refused to grant them shelter.

“To the end of saving these souls, we shall institute a weekly baptismal ceremony for the unborn, and require regular attendance of all married or fornicating premenopausal women the Sunday before their monthly flow starts.”

(Mercredi)

When we said “Limbo doesn’t exist”, we meant the dance.

(Robin)

“The earth is flat, evolution is false, and Christians predated everyone else. Sherri Shepherd is my close disciple.”

(Cade)

“Yes, I’m a Catholic, and bears, well, yeah, they do.”

(Chancelikely)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What newspaper headline would atheists most like to read?

(The idea comes from this post, from a blog for Indian-Americans. Check it out for sample headlines.)

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

"I think I'll retire from my teaching job and see if there's a market for ..."

GrandmascienCe

David Barton: The Bible Says Pastors Should Recruit ..."

"I have to remember to tell my 8th graders that!"

Anti-Abortion Activist: After My Prayers, a ..."

".Makoto: "Normally, an apology does include things like an acknowledgement of what the wrong/harm was ..."

Random

Josh McDowell Says He’ll “Step Back” ..."

"I hear that God is only a second-level! Can you believe that?"

owlthekitten

Philosopher Jeff

Pope confesses he is a closet gay atheist.
Mriana

Theism has died!
Peter

George Bush transfigurates; changes name to ‘President Christ’
Tolga K.

The Rapture is here, all Christian influence finally out of our government.
The remaining 5 people prepare to take over.
Becky

Shroud of Turin Found to be a Missing Link in Evolution!

=D
Max

Recent Gallup Poll says 98% of Americans would vote for an Atheist for President
Ben

World Peace Achieved!
(it didn’t say it had to be topical…)

Natalie Portman holding out for the atheist Mr. Right

Al Gore Wins 2000 Presidential Election!
(it was all a bad dream…)
Anatoly

“God Says: ‘It’s Only a Flesh Wound!'”
Richard Wade

Mummified Body of Jesus Found in Catacombs Under Vatican!

(This story may already have been covered by the National Enquirer)
Darwin’s Dagger

President Mehta Signs World Peace Accord
After 10,000 Years of Bloody Theism, Humankind Finally United in Peaceful Reason

Eh, its a long shot.
Bartlett

Russell’s Teapot spotted: Was on Russell’s Table the whole time.

A Theist lynched by confused Christian mob in horror typographical error
Jeff

The Rapture is here. All dogs go to heaven. Christians confused.
BZ

Mitt Romney trampled to death by invisible pink unicorns.
miller

Scientists find God: It turns out He’s actually just Cosmic Background Radiation
Rebecca

One nation, indivisible
Ben

Pastafarianism To Be Given Equal Time in Religious Education, says Church Board

Invisible Pink Unicorn Seen Leaving Spaghetti Monster’s Motel Room
Allegations of Spiked Tea Affecting Judgment
JeffN

I see pink Unicorns.
They tell me to burn things. Or was that the Leprechauns?. 😉

MISSING LINK PROVES ORIGIN OF BIG BANG.
Viggo the Carpathian

God is Dead… No, this Time We Mean It!
kristie

World’s televangelists decided to actually use monies donated to fund charitable causes and not for personal pleasures.
Jennifurret

“Study shows atheists have significantly bigger penises than believers”
limadean

Huckabee chokes on pretzel in Iowa; Romney vomits on leader of N.H. delegation
ellen

First Atheist President Inaugurated
No “God” in Oath
HappyNat

Members of Congress Fired for Passing Asinine Christian Resolution: Founding fathers stop spinning in graves.

or

All Churches Lose Tax Exempt Status
Chancelikely

Archaeological Evidence Shows Book Of Genesis Originally Recipe For Barbecued Pork Ribs
Cecilie

Cure For Religion Found
Swedish scientists acclaimed for 2003 discovery of linking neurotransmitter receptor density to religiosity now report drastic breakthrough in gene therapy technology making possible a cure for religion. Pope Benedict XVI outraged, donates large sum towards research on cure for atheism. “There is no cure for good sense,” state Swedes unruffled, adding: “Except perhaps religion.”
Jim

“Final Votes Counted; Dawkins Wins Florida”
Kieran Farrell

Archaeologist discover missing Bible page!

Early loose translation shocks Christians worldwide.

“This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.”
mark

God Disputes God

In a stunning turn of events, God, on a recent visit, shocked onlookers by stating emphatically that he is a figment of his own imagination. He promptly dissolved. Surprisingly, the universe continued to exist. Atheists were the only ones left standing, although several swooned.
Viggo the Carpathian

No headline involving anyone killing or injuring anyone else because of their ideas about god or God or …
Luther Weeks

Hitler excommunicated! Pope sites recent discovery of grilled cheese sandwich showing a young Adolph reading Mark Twain.
P.S.

Critical Thinking Courses Now Mandatory Part of School Curriculum – Skeptics, Philosophy Majors Rejoice

Government Gives All Atheists Tax Exempt Status, Pony

David Hasselhoff Performs on Kaaba, Lives – Muslim Leaders Call Show “Uplifting,” Don’t Demand His Head
Jeff

Huckabee says he believes the book of Mormon.
Romney says he has always been Jewish.
Giuliani says he is converting to Islam.
Clinton says she believes in both Greek and Roman gods.
Obama says we need to start a new religion.
Edwards says he doesn’t look like a televangelist.