Friendly Atheist Contest #9 1/2 Atheist Limericks

From the sublime to the ridiculous, let’s go from haiku to poetry’s highest form, limericks! Create an atheist limerick.

Jared must be psychic or at least our logic flows in the same perverse way because on Contest # 9 he proposed a limerick contest the night after I started working on this. Go Jared!

As you probably know limericks follow a very set pattern, usually iambic with five lines in a rhyming pattern of a,a,b,b,a. I’ll give you an example, (not very good, I admit) to start you off:

An atheist’s outlook is sunny
‘Cause so much of life can be funny.
Without a hereafter
We cherish the laughter
And savor each moment like honey.

Uh-oh the Limerick Muse has been awakened:

A preacher who said, “Gay is sin”
Was caught being naughty with men
He said “I’m straight now,
‘Cause God showed me how.”
Yeah, straight as he ever has been.

Watch out, I’m out of control!

Ted Haggard created a shock
So his churchgoers said, “Take a walk.”
But he said that by livin’
In Christ he’s forgiven
For the sin of misusing his………flock.

The ten funniest or most creative submissions will receive a Friendly Atheist wrist band:

This is the genuine article. Beware of cheap knock-offs.
Judging will be done by the same anonymous mystery people who have judged the other contests. I’m certainly not gonna take responsibility. 🙂
Have fun,
Richard

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Michael B.

The theists say they have the truth,
and all was created ina poof,
but I say I’m right,
I’ll put up a fight,
Spagetti’s a much better spoof.
Alyx

Here’s a few…yay limericks!

Sometimes theists are snobs,
if they chase you with torches and mobs,
but if they think we’re bad,
it’s really just sad,
at least we don’t kill people’s shrubs.
______________

Atheists say the Bible’s a spoof,
to them there is just no proof,
Christians say nay,
just look the right way,
and you’ll see the light through your roof.
______

Atheists are stereotyped often,
and sometime’s it’s just plain rotten,
to call us names,
is really just lame,
I’ll be watching you out of my coffin. Dun dun.
______

Things atheists are called are rude,
some of which aren’t really new,
heretic, blasphemer,
heathen, masturbator,
but if you think we kill kittens you’re a prude.
_____
Greta Christina

I just had to do a Nantucket one:

An apologist man from Nantucket
Had excuses that started to suck it.
His mind twisted and turned
And he feared he would burn,
‘Til at last he decided, “Oh, fuck it.”
–
SexySecularist

There once was a fellow named Hitch,
He advanced an irregular pitch:
“That Mother Theresa?
I’ll give her a piece o’
My mind, that old, fraudulent bitch.”

A two-stanza piece:

There once was an unmarried Jew
Who exclaimed, in a bit of a stew:
“My belly’s expanding!
Now Joseph’s demanding
A good explanation or two.”

Well, he bought it (the credulous fool!),
And went back to his carpentry tool.
And of all Catholics, most
Love the good Holy Ghost
And don’t know that He cleaned Mary’s pool.
SexySecularist

There once was a fellow named Huck
Whose friend Jim had run plain out of luck.
Huck said, “Listen, if Hell
Is for those who do well,
Then, quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck.”
Ben

After the twin towers fell
My anger started to swell
Theist’s invisible friends
Yield such horrible trends
To my atheist meekness, farewell
Matt

#1
walking by a filled-up church
i looked up and stopped with a lurch
to my surprise
i saw with my eyes
Jesus on the branch of a birch!

#2
There once was a pope named Ratzi
Who dressed all hot n tottzi
When the altar boys
Started making some noise
He zipped up his dress and said “gratze”
SketchSepahi

#1
Should the celestial war be true
I know precisely what I would do
I’d tell God and then Satan
That the war they are wagin’
be kept from me through and through
…
#2
There once was a terrible pundit
who used to claim “God he done it!”
until with reason confronted
he sees that the prompted
natural order leaves God quite redundant
…

Is there a limit to how many I may submit? I think it is a teriffic idea and I would possibly like to make more.

Sketch
Julie

I just kinda think there’s no god.
Just me on the earth in this bod,
With no outside powers,
A few mortal hours,
And then I get put in the sod.
Richard Wade

Is there a limit to how many I may submit? I think it is a teriffic idea and I would possibly like to make more.

Submit as many as you wish. Be warned however that once you start doing these you may end up composing them while driving, in class, while supposedly listening attentively to your significant other, etc. It could have dire consequences.
Julie

My grandmother is still alive and quite clever. She’s an agnostic and a very funny writer. She wrote this many years ago and recited it for me. I’ve never forgotten it. I’m submitting it for her. She will not mind.

One theory I find mystifying
Is whether there’s life after dying.
I may never learn
Whether I shall return,
I can only be sure I’ll be trying.
SketchSepahi

Richard Wade – Submit as many as you wish. Be warned however that once you start doing these you may end up composing them while driving, in class, while supposedly listening attentively to your significant other, etc. It could have dire consequences.

I am quite aware of the addictiveness of this because I have been making similar little rhymes for ages. Although this is the first time I have thought of making them into Limericks. My old ones usually look something like this:

Unconditional love at Heaven’s fields
Indeed a good hope to live by
Better still is the hope
That we’ll receive it before we die
…

Eternal damnation in Hell residing?
What bothers me more is this;
To live a life in fear and hiding
from something that doesn’t exist
…

They’re based on Piet Hein’s Grooks. (Something I would recommend even though they’re not explicitly atheistic.) But Limericks are also quite a good medium.

And since I regrettably do not have a significant other, I decided to make two more:

#3
A man by the name of Flew
Decidedly accepted as true
Behe’s teachings of complex
In spite of reeking of nonsense
Now he’s speaking as’f 1 plus 1 is…three

#4
A God of great subterfuge
Played a great game of peek-a-boo
With his hands on his eyes
He prepared the surprise
But forgot to peek again after the ruse

Sincerely,
Sketch
Stephen

The Atheist Longhouse is grand
Setting proudly on the non-belief strand.
They’ll welcome you inside
with arms open wide.
Unless, of course, you read Ayn Rand.
R.L.Rovakur

Spanning the spectrum from idealism to sardonicism… It may look like a “negative” trend, but rather I begin with my favorites.

Today this notion is odd:
There once was belief in “god.”
People argued and fought,
Waging wars–all for naught.
Thank goodness we’re past that facade.
—
People once cared nary a smidgen
For any views beyond their religion.
Reason, given a chance,
Allowed abandonment of that stance
And civility without division.
—
Not evolution, but “intelligent design,”
Is where the religious often align.
They see gaps they claim science cannot tackle,
Then fill them in, with their god as spackle–
What a way to treat the divine!
—
I once heard that god loves us, each and every one,
Yet sends us to hell, just for having fun.
But if I repent, never question, never stray,
Accept Jesus, blind faith, and not be gay,
I’m headed for heaven when all’s said and done.
—
Of all the vast philosophical views,
Only religions make the evening news.
All are convinced that theirs is the one;
Some preach from books, others with guns…
Wait, I forget–which god is whose?
—
How about “Contest # 9.75: Atheist Sonnets”?
The Exterminator

I’ll get even with you, Richard Wade!

Limerick 1
A pain in the ass named D’Souza
Thinks God Is Not Great is a louza.
But by hitchin’ his game
To Chris Hitchens’s name,
He’s managed to stay in the nouza.

Limerick 2
A gene that was selfish, but boomin’,
Was looking for someplace to room in.
It fused with another,
Created a mother:
In four billion years, it was human!
Richard Wade

I’ll get even with you, Richard Wade!

Even with me? I thought you were already way ahead of me. 🙂

Whad’ I say, whad’ I saaaaaay?
Linda

Okay, just one… then I have to go to bed.

A limerick, he said on line
I’ve been saving my words so fine
But my brain is shot
From smoking the pot
I inhaled, and I must resign

Good-night! 🙂 Well…. alright! Just one more…

An atheist limerick said he
But how can it possibly be
I belive in God
With my soul and bod
These contests are never for me!

😉
The Exterminator

I said, I’ll get even with you, Richard Wade!
By way of explanation, I offer:

Oh, Richard, you’ve caused us afflicion
‘Cause limericks are an addiction.
Your contest don’t please us —
We’d rather be Jesus
And just have to face crucifixion.
SketchSepahi

Two more from me before I tuck in! I hope you guys are not tired of me yet.

#5
A ‘pologetic had tales at my strewn
How God sentenced Cain to his doom
With a mark on his head
So his life not be shed
But he never would tell me by whom?
…

#6
A theist was promising me
Epiphanies if I’d just believe
I said: ‘You’ll think that it’s queer
That my God is Beer
But at least it is one I can see!’
…

I think I am getting better at nailing the iambs. 🙂

Sincerely,
Sketch
Linda

OK, I GOT IT!! – As “atheist” as I can get…

You’re rejecting the religion
saying God is not omniscient
My heart is with you
Religion is poo
Perhaps Science will prove Creation

NOW CAN I BE IN THE RUNNING FOR THAT LOVELY BRACELET???
Julie

Linda, here’s a compromise one.

Although I myself won’t ever move
And get in the religion groove,
When you get right down to it
And sift and sort through it
I guess this God guy I can’t DISprove.
Linda

Julie, she doesn’t disapprove
The nice gesture that would behoove
those with claws and fangs
guns ending with *bangs*
I, too, often end up a boob… (well, it almost rhymes) 🙂

Thank you, Julie!! 😉
Karen

Exterminator, yours are priceless! Well done. 🙂
SketchSepahi

Hold up! Aren’t Limericks supposed to be a bit naughty?

#7
God allegedly ‘pregnated Mary
I do find it quite contrary
That They do abhor
Us who do “whore”
While God unweddedly took her cherry
…
Cameron

Science has killed need for more
Yet Christians still cling to folklore
If the things in the heavens
Can’t be explained with mere evidence
Then why not give life up to Thor?

They say atheism is just being snobby
That we’re all in the very same lobby
But if unbelief is religion
I take offence to the definition
And not collecting stamps is a hobby!
Valvilis Cormaeril

Two, I can do two, right?

It’s so hard to avoid aggravation,
As ignorance strangles our nation,
But no need to despair,
For we wise few are aware,
Of the miracle of our godless creation.

————–

And for you purists who feel limericks have to be unsavory:

It’s difficult mucking the front,
Atheists ducking the brunt,
But it seems that you faithful,
Remain always unable,
To see your god’s just a big mistake theologically.

Where did you think that was going? Dirty, dirty minds…
SketchSepahi

Two, I can do two, right?

It should be allright. I have done 7 so far and Richard Wade said we could submit as many as we want. (I bet he regrets it not, though hehe)
Richard Wade

Well, it’s kind of a Dr. Frankenstein moment… 🙂
Matt

John, my friend, was a theist.
He decided to become a priest.
He saw the decay,
and he said “No way”
Thus, he turned into an atheist
Valvilis Cormaeril

Submit as many as we want?! Don’t tell me that.

A young gal lived in times quite hoary,
She lived life with a passion and glory,
But her nights were too wild,
And she soon was with child,
Forced to concoct for her Joseph a story.
Jeff

There once was a novel by Brown
That made many a Christian frown.
With expectations soaring
Said dialog was boring
But there was never a Jesus in town.
Linda

Oh, what you seem to imply
is filled to the brim with Lie
The serpent said, “Look.”
He put out his hook
Causing our future to die
Valvilis Cormaeril

John was a true bible subscriber,
And therefore not a shellfish imbiber,
He burnt offerings and beat his kids-es,
Just like he had learned in Leviticus,
And he never wore a shirt of two fibers.

In Eden, you wouldn’t believe,
The problems Adam always had with Eve,
She stormed out in a stir,
Adam said, “What’s with her?”
“I’ve got no idea,” replied Steve.
Greta Christina

Richard, you suck. I actually have work of my own to do, you know.
–

Why reject our dear Lord’s great command
When the reasons for faith are so grand?
There’s the Bible so sweet
The flagellum so neat
And bananas fit right in your hand!
–

Said the Reverend, “I know I’m too smart
To rely on just faith a la carte.
My belief isn’t treason
It has evidence and reason —
Like this warm fuzzy glow in my heart.”
–

Harry Potter’s a sin? Quick! Escape!
From the Christians who’d whip me in shape!
But I’d join any church
Leave my pals in the lurch
If it meant I could do it with Snape.
–
Greta Christina

Oh, BTW: Limericks aren’t iambic. They’re (usually) anapestic. An iamb is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (da-DUM). An anapest is two unstressed syllables followed by one stressed syllable (da-da-DUM).
SketchSepahi

Greta Christina:
Salute. Right you are. My mistake. (Or was it Richard Wade’s?) Personally, I am better at hearing and making these things than actually naming them. I should have known better though since I have written dissertions about these things before, so I bow my head in shame before you.

Sincerely,
Sketch

(That being said I don’t think everyone here even tries to make these anapestic anyway *ahemm*)
Richard Wade

Richard, you suck. I actually have work of my own to do, you know.

LOL! In this context I take that as high praise. Thanks!

Thanks also about the correction of iambic to anapestic. I thought something was wrong, but iambic was the only one I could remember from the seventh grade. We wrote with quills back then.
SketchSepahi

Well, ok since we opened up the Pandora’s box anyway, the Limerick is usually a variation of several kinds of metric feet. As you said, Greta Christina, the anapest is one and another frequently used is the amphibrach. Actually the Limericks I personally try to write look a bit like this:

amphibrach amphibrach bacchius
amphibrach amphibrach iamb
amphibrach iamb
amphibrach iamb
amphibrach amphibrach iamb

or if you prefer:

x / x x / x x //
x / x x / x x /
x / x x /
x / x x /
x / x x / x x /

I am not sure if it is more correct to call the first line there “iamb anapest minor ionic anapest” or “amphibrach amphibrach bacchius” but I do think the latter is a tad more tidy. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt in regards to your objection that Limericks are more anapestic than iambic.

I am quite sure Richard Wade is going to kill us now and I am sure he would have preferred to avoid being entirely pedanthic and just call them iambs. 😛

(Sorry, Richard. This seems like yet another Dr. Frankenstein moment, doesn’t it?)
Richard Wade

Dr. Frankenstein removed his glasses and gently pinched the flesh between his eyebrows as the Creature discovered the amphetamines in the drug cabinet…
stogoe

Well, here’s mine, though it’s a day late and a dollar short. Guess that’ll learn me not to skip FA on the weekends…

Awash in reality’s splendor,
Jake turned to the old hot dog vendor,
Remarked, “ain’t it grand?
We’re a small grain of sand.”
Asked the old man, “Are you on a bender?”
Linda

This is in reply to all the debate over technicalities:

Again, WHO CARES? I do protest
This isn’t a “rules” contest
I’m here to have fun
and put down the gun
Can faux pas escape arrest?

***
Crea-tivity turns to mokery
OCD can be slavery
Poetry with the rules
Turns us into fools
Let’s escape penitentiary!

(…and be free to break the rules. There is such a thing as “anti-limerick.” No joke! I looked it up.) 😀
Brian

Curse you Friendly Atheist! These disrupted my sleep last night and forced me to crawl out of my nice warm bed to write them down.

There once was a preacher named Jim
Whose wits were a little bit dim
He believed it on faith
That from Hell he was safe
Because he had sung the right hymn.

and…

The christians all wish they could sin
If atheists only they’d been
But my life’s a bore
I should really do more
Do something worth rubbing it in.
The Exterminator

An amphibrach said to an anapest,
“I think that this Wade guy is, man!, a pest.
And I won’t be back till
He credits the dactyl.
(Now find me a rhyme for ‘banana pest.’)”
Jared

My first try…

There once was a man from Galilee,
Who once was seen cursin’ a fig tree,
Though His family deemed Him mad,
He was SURE He was His own Dad,
Yet they heard — Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?
Richard Wade

(Now find me a rhyme for ‘banana pest.’)”

manifest, ban a guest, can a pest, an arrest, bandana fest, ran a test, manna best, man a-blessed, Vanna’s chest,…
SketchSepahi

Kyana West? 😛
Julie

I’ve been readin’ and doin’ some ratin’
And also been participatin’
And here’s what I know
I can tell it is so
These limerick’s prove there’s a Satan.
The Exterminator

RIchard:
I asked: Now find me a rhyme for ‘banana pest.’

You wrote: manifest, ban a guest, can a pest, an arrest, bandana fest, ran a test, manna best, man a-blessed, Vanna’s chest.

Most of these — with the sole exception of “can a pest” — are not rhymes in strict limerick construction, in which only the accented syllable in the last metric foot is changed to make a new rhyme. Since the rhyming feet of limerick lines 1, 2, and 5 could be single syllables, two-syllable troches, or 3-syllable dactyls, you have to look for the accent.

anapest
man!, a pest
banana pest.

“can a pest” works. But your other terms all substitute different consonants for that “p.” Those would all be perfectly good rhymes in another poetry form — but not in a limerick.

That’s why it’s so hard to write a good one.

Class dismissed.
Richard Wade

Oh.
SketchSepahi

Analysis is plucking the wings off a butterfly. I think we killed the Limerick now.
The Exterminator

Analysis is appreciating the butterfly in a profound way.
Danny

Here is my stab at it.

Religion can make you a fool
Even though you’ll think you are cool
So reason it out
And you’ll have little doubt
That abstaining should now be your rule.
anti-nonsense

Those who reject evolution
say that ID is a better solution
but it goes off the rails
for as science it fails
and it violates the US constitution

There is a guy named Kent that says
that the world was made in 6 days
But he doesn’t know his facts
and he didn’t pay his tax
His stupidity does often amaze

There was an old maan in Dover
who thought he’d do the school system over
and tamper with science
in direct defiance
of evidence and law, moreover.l

The bible has a great many pages
it should have been left in the Dark Ages
for Luke, Mark and Paul
and John, and them all
were not what you could call sages
Deb on the Rocks

How convenient for any old wretch
To be able–with one genuflex
to have a clean slate
each time sins they create
Theists think they’re divine Etch-a-Sketch.
Geoff

Here’s a quick way to insanity:
Believe (in incredible vanity)
An omnipotent being –
All-knowing, all-seeing –
Would care one small whit ’bout humanity.
Brad

There once was a man from Galilee
Who preached love and harmony
But two thousand years later
there’s still many a hater
Who’ll ban “And Tango Makes Three”
Erin

There once was a Gubna named Sonny
Who wasted his taxpayers’ money
On teary-eyed prayer
For some rain in the air
A week later, it’s still dry and sunny.
Brodie

This was inspired by a line of Greta Chistina’s:

That bananas fit right in the hand,
Shows that God is at work in the land,
But I’m going to hell,
Cos my cock fits as well,
I love sowing my seed in the sand.
John B Hodges

This one is not mine; I suggested a limerick contest on an email list (Human_ism@yahoogroups.com) and (as I recall) Emma Waghorn offered this one:

Once a Lutheran pastor named Herman
lost his faith in the midst of a sermon.
He tumbled from grace
with a smile on his face
and began quoting Nietzche, in German.

There were a few more good ones. I’ll dig them out of my “attic” and revisit.
Joe King

There was a young man Edmund Rice
Who liked the odd bit of vice
He founded the Christian Brothers
To roger the others
Now that wasn’t very nice
Joe King

A priest far from his native shores
Deceided he’d visit the whores
Not to hear confession
Just to fulflil his obsession
But his dick got covered in sores
Joe King

The collection box filled to the brim
The priest asks who’s the kind limb
It’s me said the queer
Priest say’s pick a hymm we can hear
And he points to him him and him
Walter Strong

The Holy Ghost and Mary were hump’n,
Her ass was vigorously pump’n.
The Ghost cut a fart,
Woke Joseph with a start,
And he gave that old spook a thump’n
Ur Mother

On the glorious day of easter,
i got drunk off my keaster,
i was drunk as a skunk
and puched a monk
and they said “you must leave mister”

Easter Drunkeness FTW
Ur Mother

If god is such a good guy,
then why doesn’t he come down from the sky
He hides up above,
just like Santa does,
And his BS makes me want to cry
Ur Mother

There once was a boy named keith
who was ass raped by a priest,
he wanted an apology
and some serious money
but the pope said no deal, you thief!

(Srsly tho…How come religious dudes get away with child molestation? No one else can! I’m pretty sure that Jebus -praise JEBUS- never said, “let he without sin, rape the first boy!”)
Ur Mother

Christian vs. Atheist responses to common statements

1. Can a Woman who has been raped get aborted???

C: Short answer, no. long answer, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
A: Why should I give a flying Fuck??? she could have a baby dragon frenchman and call it bob and abort three years after its born and I honestly wouldn’t give a shit
Ur Mother

An old man sat in a chair,
he didn’t really care,
when his friends said “you’re doomed”
“unless god saves you!”
in which case he hit ’em with a pear
Marc Alan Di Martino

I know this is way late, but I thought I’d post it just the same. I’ve begun posting them to my blog.

PZ once enraged a whole slew
of religious fanatics – he threw
a Qur’an in the trash
and then with a dash
of élan, he threw in Dawkins, too.

—-

– for Ayaan Hirsi Ali

1.

There once was a actress named Weisz
whose bashful, compassionate eyes
inspired us to rate
her Hypatia as great
and to weep when the heroine dies.

2.

What little we know of her life
is bound up in trouble and strife
of an era in which
they thought her a witch
because she was nobody’s wife.

3.

Neither Christian nor pagan nor Jew
she was one of the relative few
who today we would call
a freethinker, et al.
then degrade in the New York Review.*

* of Books
Janice Weinberger

There once was a rabbi named Jesus
Who had a bad case of the sneezes
He was known as the jew
Who spread ’round the flu
And brought us all down on our kneeses!