Friendly Atheist Contest #4: What Is Christopher Hitchens So Mad About?

Last week, I asked this question:

Who is Richard Dawkins talking to in the picture below?

What is their conversation?

Here are the Top 5 answers (with submitters)!

“Hello P-Zed? Harris has gone over to the other side. No, not THAT side. He’s allying himself with the fr*mers. Pity. Unleash your Pharynguloid minions.”

(Siamang)

(Dawkins answers phone)

[heavy breathing]

Dawkins: Who is this?

Haggard: I need your paws on me you dirty ape you.

Dawkins: …

(cue photo)

(NYCatheist)

“No….

No.

The red wire.

Right.

It’s beeping?

Route the clock to the main circ-

What do you mean countdown?!

Look, just pull the prongs out of the C4 and it should be-

Dynamite? You said C4!

No… NO!

S- Stop praying! It won’t hel-”

*BOOM*

*Line goes silent*

“I hate my other job…”

(Anon)

“Mrs. Garrison? How did you get this number? I told you to never call again.”

(Darwin’s Dagger)

“You found a what?”

“A rabbit?”

“In the precambrian?”

“Well, shit…”

(Bart)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

What is Christopher Hitchens so mad about in the picture below?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest, Pharyngula, PZ Myers[/tags]

"“Just because I shot and killed him on purpose doesn’t mean I’m a murderer!”"

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Paul

“Damn restaurant was out of toothpicks!”
Ponnarasi.K

What the hell are you all looking @ my face for?
Ponnarasi.K

What are you expecting I would say and Y the hell are u staring @ my face?
Richard Wade

He’s not mad, he’s just trying to get rid of a fart before they turn on the mike.
Earl

It’s Q&A time. An audience member introduces himself:

“Hi, my name’s Mike and I’m a Phd student at Liberty Unversity studying Archaeology. Since science has proved time and again the truth of the Bible…”

[cue picture]
Heather

Someone has just launched into a long and self-congratulatory “question” during the Q&A and Hitchens has just realized that he’s going to have to wait that much longer for a cigarette and a stiff drink. Both of which he will need to survive the Q&A if it’s all going to be like this.
Earl

“I knew I shouldn’t have had those extra jalapenos on my christian!”
Earl

“Yeah yeah, whatever – Santa bloody Dennett – make your point in time for Christmas won’t you!”
Earl

“Ok then, if nobody wants to hug me, then I’ll hug myself. Hnng. Ahhhh. (I love you Chris)”
Danny

Hitchens is mad Dawkins’ phone keeps ringing and interrupting his speech.
Heather

Do we get to vote? Because so far, I like Danny’s best. 🙂
Richard Wade

Some guy with an unpronounceable name who never stops talking is telling him that nothing he says about any subject has any merit at all because he once said something that was supportive of a nazi historian and he supported the invasion of Iraq.
Nick

(Hitchens’s drink is in the podium)
“Goddamnit, Teresa! We both know God is bullshit, but PLEASE stop having your face appear in my scotch. C’mon!”
Matt

How come these things are never like that scene in Police Academy?
William

You told me there would be a free bar! What’s this cash bar nonsense? You know I need three drinks minimum before I can start a speech! You guys are ripping me off!
Vovic

You’d be pissed too if you had a giant robot penis in your face.
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

Richard Wade, I think he’s disappointed that he’s only a finalist in the National Book Awards instead of being declared outright the one and only possible choice. I doubt its due to that piece of yesterday’s news, Camile Paglia, being the announcer and thus showing that this years version of the awards might be an off year, demonstrating once again that it’s not a dependable honor it’s supposed to be. With some of those on this years non-fiction jury, geesh!

I see the wound inflicted on you by telling the truth about your heroes is permanent. Or was it the Tennessee Williams quote? I have not lived in vain.

Now, back to something that is important.
Diane

“Oh bloody hell, that Hemant guy is here. Now I’ll probably be the butt of one of his “fun” contests.”

(All sarcasm is purely Hitch’s! I like your contests!)
incunabulum

Two olives? That’s all I get is two freakin’ olives?! No… No need to send it back to the bar. I’ll assume you got the vodka part right? Okay. Fine, then.
Vince

Dewar’s, Come on! are you F#$%ing kidding me? Do you know who I am? I’m Christopher bloddy Hitchens, goddamn National Book Award Finalist, and you bring me a Dewar’s? Can you even spell SINGLE MALT?
Mriana

Knock it off! God is NOT great!
Mriana

My older son has one for Hitchens:

“Give me your name and address and I’ll put you in touch with your God soon.”
Epistaxis

He’s upset because Ayaan Hirsi Ali still gets more death threats than he does.
Anonymous

I already won a wristband, I’m just contributing for the fun of it.

*In his mind*

Look at them…

Every one of them bloody ecstatic to be here…

But not me, no.

Damn kids, finished my Cap’n Crunch.

I’ll never eat a continental breakfast again.
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

“Give me your name and address and I’ll put you in touch with your God soon.”

I doubt it. Hitchens is a cream puff and a pretty out of shape one at that. Though he’s got friends in the Bush junta who would probably do the job for him.
Cade

He just ate communion wine, and it tastes like burning.
monkeymind

How about a LOL caption for Hitch:

Sam, WTF !!!1111!! I R not atheist???!!!!11!!!
Karen

He’s not mad, he’s just trying to get rid of a fart before they turn on the mike.

Okay, I actually laughed out loud here, Richard. That pained look on his face … 🙂

Some guy with an unpronounceable name who never stops talking is telling him that nothing he says about any subject has any merit at all because he once said something that was supportive of a nazi historian and he supported the invasion of Iraq.

SHHHH …. aw, damn it, too late!
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

Karen, thank you for pointing this out for me (and the reader of this blog who keeps flagging these mentions of me by instant messaging).

Richard, Richard, Richard. Hitchens didn’t say something nice about the anti-Semitic and open Hitler apologist, David Irving only once. He did it repeatedly over a number of years. And apparently that’s Aok by you guys as long as he provides you with your hate fix as well.

I’m still wondering why it was all right for James Watson to make fun of the social sciences being considered science. When I said it a while back I was accused of being all kinds of things. Guess it’s all right if it’s an atheist fundamentalist who hates women and has a history of dishing on people after they’re safely dead who says it. Neo-atheism, hero worship and overlooking their lies and total lack of integrity in the interest of “truth and reason”.
Bill Montana

He heard the Atheist Alliance International convention dinner ran out of the kosher meal.
_________________________________

They cancelled Cop Rock!
Richard Wade

olvlzl, Hitchens isn’t my hero. I think he’s a vulgar jerk. I don’t have heroes. And I don’t understand people who work so hard to turn strangers into enemies by constantly tossing out blanket insults. You and he seem to have that in common. However, if Hitchens has opinions or methods that I dislike, it doesn’t mean that when he tells me directions to the nearest public telephone I should deeply distrust him. I don’t care about Watson’s attitude about women; that’s his problem. That’s not why I ever heard of him. It’s the knowledge about DNA that’s important, not the old man you want to brand as a sexist and a phony. I don’t care about that. You do. DNA doesn’t suddenly spiral in the other direction just because Watson’s personal bigotries are denounced by you. Nothing changes because of denunciations by you. You seem to disapprove of everyone and everything other than yourself, so it doesn’t mean much when you announce your latest disapproval proclamation.
Heather

Wow-these entries just keep getting more complicated. I see now that I was over-simplifying with my earlier entry.

Hemant, do we get points for pithiness or do I need to submit a longer entry? 😉
Siamang

“Holy water in my SCOTCH!!! GAAACK…. COUGHHH…
It’s TRUE…… Religion POISONS EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
HappyNat

(and the reader of this blog who keeps flagging these mentions of me by instant messaging

AAAAAARGH . . .there be a spy among us!
Philosopher Jeff

He is sufffering from indigestion after eating the typical atheist meal of babies au gratin. 🙂
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

It’s the knowledge about DNA that’s important…. DNA doesn’t suddenly spiral in the other direction just because Watson’s personal bigot….

Crick and Watson relied on two key pieces of information that were due to Franklin but obtained without her knowledge. One was her DNA Photograph 51, which Maurice Wilkins showed to Watson in January 1953. “The instant I saw the picture my mouth fell open and my pulse began to race,” Watson writes in The Double Helix, for he recognized immediately its tell-tale helical signature. It was psychologically the key event that inspired him to drop everything to search for the DNA structure.

The other piece of information used was Franklin’s measurements of a DNA unit cell, which she included in a report to the Medical Research Council. When Max Perutz passed this non-confidential but not really public report to Crick in February 1953, Crick realized that the two strands of the helix run in opposite directions.

If you have a copy of The Double Helix by Watson you can see just how much of a sexist hypocrite he was AFTER Rosalind Franklin had been dead about a decade. And has the creep learned anything in the past sixty years?

“Men evolved to compete with other men…I guess it would be good if men acted like women, but then they become girly-men, afraid to offend everyone. I don’t think you can be a man and be politically correct…I like women to succeed in science, I just want them to work 80 hours a week.”

Watson’s theory seems to be that, good science requires competition, and women aren’t hard-wired for competition the way men are.
Nadeen

” Damn it! No cigarette, no scotch and I don’t think that facial made me look pretty.”

(please click on the link)

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/10/hitchens200710
Richard Wade

I don’t turn anybody into heroes, so I don’t give a damn about their personal faults that have nothing to do with whatever it is that they’re saying. If I find out that Beethoven was a jerk to his best friend I’ll still listen to his music. Whatever Watson says about women has no consequence, just as whatever you say about him has no consequence. He’s not going to turn anyone into a sexist pig. Shortly after he dies the only thing remembered about him will be DNA. Nothing will be remembered about your condemnation of his personal faults even one day after you say it, which is why I suppose you will repeat it another day.
Alyx

*thinks “Oh shit, I gotta burp.”*
*burps*
“Sorry folks, that was just God wreaking havoc upon my soul by rupturing it from within.”
________________

“Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that taco w/ extra hot sauce…”
_________________

Allow me to express my disdain for religion by making the monumental face of a disgruntled atheist. [cue photo] What Sam? I’m not an atheist, you say? Well here’s what I say: [cue photo, again]
Siamang

DAMN!!!

I really wanted to win, but I have to admit, the ones which scored higher WERE funnier than mine!
Jen

“I can’t believe they bought that whole “let’s invade Iraq” thing. I am never making another bet on Dawkin’s terms again”
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

Richard, you do realize that Watson didn’t invent DNA, don’t you? And that Crick was sort of in on it too. I think even Watson remembers the second one, at least when he looks at his Nobel stuff. As to what people will remember about him, I don’t know. What he wanted people to remember about Rosalind Franklin was sexist and false enough to cause her friends to urge Sayer to write her corrective biography. I assure you, even if the twit knew what I was saying it wouldn’t have any impact on his massive ego. That’s probably why he’s an atheist fundamentalist, if there’s anything bigger than his ego in the universe he wants it caught and killed.

You keep saying that you have no heroes but your every word belies that assertion.
monkeymind

Hemant, I maded you another Hitchens macro and I posted it:

Sam, WTF!!!111!! I cannot has atheism???? This sux!
monkeymind

Nadeen, I SO did not need to click on that link while running a low-grade fever. 🙂
PhillyChief

We’ve secretly switched Christopher Hitchens’ single malt scotch with Jesus juice. Let’s see if he notices…

[cue photo]
chutney

“Jesus Christ, I am NOT drunk today!!”
Richard Wade

Richard, you do realize that Watson didn’t invent DNA, don’t you?

Typical olvlzl insult, unnecessary and not very clever.

I assure you, even if the twit knew what I was saying it wouldn’t have any impact on his massive ego.

His ego is massive? I wouldn’t know except from your remarks. Somehow pots and kettles come to mind.

That’s probably why he’s an atheist fundamentalist, if there’s anything bigger than his ego in the universe he wants it caught and killed.

That would be your ego, but I think it’s safe to say that he’s never heard of you. In the unlikely even that he has, I suspect that he, like everybody else doesn’t care enough to bother with you.

You keep saying that you have no heroes but your every word belies that assertion.

I’m not defending Watson, I’m attacking you. But I will be ineffective because there’s no accounting for what you think, other than it will be negative, twisted into passive-aggressive insults and of no consequence. I don’t give a shit about Watson’s personality good or bad and nobody here gives a shit about your gossip column. You’re the one who’s so proud of your vast knowledge of the inside dirt on these guys, but to your constant frustration, nobody else cares. You think that’s because we’re hero-worshipping them but it’s really we don’t care about your irrelevant opinions. So think whatever you have to to keep up your own ego. They’re very important anti-heroes to you, so I’d say you’re the one obsessing more than any avid fan. Nobody talks about them as much as you do. You’d be lost without these people you so love to discredit with irrelevant personality crap. Without them, how could you feel superior? And without that, how could you live?
Diane

Philosopher Jeff: “babies au gratin” 😀 Thanks for the laugh!

How about:
“Oof, I think I have a bit of kitten stuck in my teeth…”
ash

new + improved –

INFLATHEIST

– instant blow up atheist!
– lifesize!
– fully portable!
– range of skin tones available (mauve pictured)!
– prick-resistant!

now available in ‘chris hitchens’ model
Mriana

olvlzl, no ism, no ist said,

October 11, 2007 at 10:34 am

“Give me your name and address and I’ll put you in touch with your God soon.”

I doubt it. Hitchens is a cream puff and a pretty out of shape one at that. Though he’s got friends in the Bush junta who would probably do the job for him.

Give the kid a break. He’s only trying. 😉
MamaRe

Dawkins: And to reply to the comment made by the lady in the yellow hat…NO! My mom did NOT pick out this shirt for me! I did it all by myself, thank you!
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

Mriana, If I had a kid trying that kind of humor, I’d try to steer him in a direction that implied less violence and was actually funny. But then, I heard Shalom Auslander on the radio last week, who is building a career as a comic on not being funny at all.

Try The Big Book of Jewish Humor, it’s like a textbook of how to make a joke. Give it to him for Christmas.
olvlzl, no ism, no ist

Here’s an example

Richard, you do realize that Watson didn’t invent DNA, don’t you?

Typical olvlzl insult, unnecessary and not very clever.

It was necessary to set up the next line, which led into the main point. While it wasn’t a joke, the form is similar. Richard, I assumed that no one here suspected you would have thought that Watson invented DNA, though I’m not sure everyone familiar with him would suspect the same of him.

Massive ego? Moi? Please give full quotes illustrating self-aggrandizement.
As to insulting people, if you find what I said insulting look at what you’ve said about me but have I been whining about it?
Mriana

Mriana, If I had a kid trying that kind of humor, I’d try to steer him in a direction that implied less violence and was actually funny.

I think he was referring to the God of the Bible as being violent, not the people.
Monty

Jeff, that was hilarious, and my vote for best. But Diane, you stole my thoughts! GO ROBOT MONKEYS!! ATTACK!!!
Julie

He’s wearing a thong and it’s chafing him.
Hemant

Wow-these entries just keep getting more complicated. I see now that I was over-simplifying with my earlier entry.

Hemant, do we get points for pithiness or do I need to submit a longer entry? 😉

Short and sweet is fine by me 🙂 Just make us laugh!
Yenald Looshi

Just great. I leave my table for the podium and that wanker with the bloody stack of books just knocked over my scotch and spilled it into my cigarettes.
Chancelikely

“I don’t mind sitting on angels usually, but this one was dancing on a pin.”
Matt Feath

“Whadaya mean there’s NO ALCOHOL allowed at this event???”
Joe M

“Oh, a whoopie cushion.. yes, very bloody droll…”
C.J.

” I would have thought that proving God doesn’t exsist would entitle ME to be worshipped as said God. Why is no one recognizing my genius and utter superiority to the rest of the minions on this planet?”