Friendly Atheist Contest #3: Who Is Richard Dawkins Talking To?

October 2, 2007

Last week, I asked this question:

What would you name a Christian/Atheist podcast?

Here are the Top 5 answers (with submitters)!

5| To Question and To Kneel (A riff on The Captain and Tennille) (Joe M)

4| Real & Grace (A riff on Will & Grace) (Jedipunk)

3| Heretical Sabbatical (Josh Charles)

2| Atheist and A Theist (Mercredi)

1| Abbott and Christello (Joe K.)

Congratulations to the winners! The top three will be receiving specially-made Friendly Atheist wristbands (in the color of their choice), sent to me by blog reader Shauna and her sister Danni!

…

If you’d like to win your own wristband, here is the new contest:

Who is Richard Dawkins talking to in the picture below?

What is their conversation?

Funny and creative answers will have a shot at winning.

Good luck!

[tags]atheist, atheism, contest[/tags]

October 2, 2007

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J. J. Ramsey

He’s being talked at by Rudy Giuliani and getting tired of hearing 9/11 over and over and over …
{T K]

“No….

No.

The red wire.

Right.

It’s beeping?

Route the clock to the main circ-

What do you mean countdown?!

Look, just pull the prongs out of the C4 and it should be-

Dynamite? You said C4!

No… NO!

S- Stop praying! It won’t hel-”

*BOOM*

*Line goes silent*

“I hate my other job…”
David Williams

No-one. Just emptiness.
Bart

“You found a what?”

“A rabbit?”

“In the precambrian?”

“Well, shit…”

Also….

“Hello, Darwin…”

“I’m talking to the members of the NRA right now…”

“Would you like to say hello?”

“I love you and I’ll give you a call as soon as I’m finished okay?”

“Okay, have a safe trip, bye bye”

“Talk to you later dear, I love you”
Mriana

“Dr. Dawkins? Paging Dr. Dawkins.”

“Yes?” Dawkins rolls his eyes.

“This is Mriana in the Bible Belt. I need your help with these people who have the “God Delusion” illness REALLY bad! Can you please help?”

“Well, yes, I realize there is a serious problem down there with this virus.”

“I don’t want it.”

“No, I don’t think you’ll catch it if you vaccinate yourself with science and rationalism.”

“I won’t?”

“No, I think you’ll be fine.”

“OK what do we do about the others?”

“Pass out copies of my book and I’ll be down to help you soon.”

“When? I mean, I can’t even read your book on the bus without some delusional person jumping me.”

“Well, I’m sort of tied up with some Creationists up here, but I promise I’ll come to the Bible Belt soon to innoculate as many as I can. I make no promises though.”

“But it’s an emergency, Doctor Dawkins.”

“I realize the situation is critical, but I’m not Dr. Bombay.”

“Doctor, Dr. Bombay is a fictional character on Bewitched.”

“Mriana.”

“Yes?”

“It was a joke.”

“Oh.”

“Good day.” Dawkins hangs up.
Reed Braden

Voice: “Richard?”
Richard: “Yes.”
V: “It’s me. God.”
R: “Shit. Really?”
V: “”Yes, and I have a message for you. Repent now and you may live forever.”
R: “”How do I know you’re the real god?”
V: “”I know many things. (Begins to list off a lot of personal information on Dawkins.)”
R: “”I’m terribly sorry, god! Forgive me!”
V: “”Nah… I’m just fucking with ya. It’s Joe from Richard Dawkins.net. Have you spoken at the conference yet?”
—
Richard: “Hi, is this Pat Robertson?”
Pat: “Speaking. Who, may I ask, is this?”
R: “Richard Dawkins. I have undeniable proof that there is no god.”
[Pat hangs up.]
R: “Hi. Pat Robertson?”
“P: Yes? Who is this?”
R: “Richard again. Please listen. I have a solid pile of evidence that clearly disproves religious theory.”
[Pat hangs up]
R: “Hi. Pat?”
P: “Who is it now? This better be good.”
R: “It’s Yahweh. Listen. There is no evidence for me, but I told you before to ignore the evidence. This is the tricky part: I need you to use your faith to not believe in me.”
P: “Oh. Okay. Done, god, you don’t exist now.”
[Pat hangs up]
R: “Poor, gullible git.”
—
Richard: “Hello?”
God: “Richard, it’s me again.”
R: “Sigh… what do you want now?”
G: “It’s about this book. The Me Delusion? Opening of Chapter Two.”
R: “We’ve been over this countless times, guy. I said the god of the Old Testament. You’ve changed since then.”
G: “I know. But did you really have to drag up the whole infanticide deal?”
R: “It’s just a book, god.”
G: “But I went to rehab and everything! You keep raking up the past and it hurts me. You would think that you could have forgiven me after so many years!”
R: “God, now is not the time. I’m about to go on. I’m doing a speech at the Athe–”
G: “Richard! After all I’ve done for you! The long nights massaging your feet, staying up late to watch the meteor showers with you… you can’t respect us for who we used to be. Why, Richard? What have I done to hurt you?”
R: “Goodbye, god. Don’t call this number again or I’ll put out a restraining order.”
[Richard hangs up]
G: “Damn. I’m going to go torture some African children with AIDS to get my mind off of all this.”
Patrick

His daughter is reminding him with a particularly poignant example of a principle he pointed out in The Selfish Gene, that while in general it is beneficial for people’s genes to remain close to family, some individuals can benefit from the strategy of taking family resources and giving little back. Specifically: “Thanks Dad for all the years at home and the support through school. I’m running off with Fabian. Good luck at the nursing home or whatever.”
Heather

He’s on hold with the airline that “lost” his luggage. As it happens, his suitcase had been left on the tarmac and was struck by lightning. The customer service representative for the airline has just told him that he will not be able to claim reimbursement for the fried items as it was “an act of God.”
Richard Wade

(ring)

“Hello?”

“Hi Dick, it’s Sam. Great talk. By the way, your fly was open the entire time but I don’t think it mattered. I just wanted to thank you for your moderate atheist views giving me cover to express my extremist atheist views.”

“Uh, well thanks, Sam.”

“Listen I gotta go. Talk to you later, bye.” (click)

(ring)

“Hello?”

“Hey, Dick, isss Chris. H’ya doin’? (burp) Hey great talk ol’ buddy. I ‘speshully liked yer fly open. Haha! Sez a lot, right? Gibs me an idea, mehbe ah’ll moon ’em all durin’ my talk, y’know? Haha! Hey, I gotta go git a drink ‘fore my talk, s’ya later.” (click)

(sigh) “I should have stuck with biology.”
Richard Wade

(ring)
“Hello?”

“Doctor Dawkins?”

“Yes.”

“This is Captain Peterson of the D.C. Police Department. Now, please listen carefully. Do not react, just keep looking straight ahead as you are right now. Don’t look, but to your right over in the corner on a pedestal is a large, dark brown brain. It’s been staring at you for several minutes. We think it’s some kind of creature from another planet. No! Don’t look at it! It’s already hypnotized some of my men! Just walk slowly to the exit…”
Vikram Seth

RD : No God, You’ve got it all wrong. I’m Richard and I really do exist.
Andrew

Dawkins is on the phone with his Publisher who has just given him some rather grave news:

P – “I’m sorry Dr. Dawkins but sales of recently translated The God Delusion in Italy were eclipsed by sales of another religious book.”

RD – “Damn… What was it? God is Not Great?”

P – “No.”

RD – “Letter to a Christian Nation?”

P – “No.”

RD – “Surely not Breaking the Spell?”

P – “No.”

RD – “Then what?”

P – “The Bible…”

And cue the photo!
Bigtitch

Richard: Hello is that the Bright’s publicity department
BPD: Yes
Richard: Can I take the hat off yet? It’s giving me a migraine.
Darwin’s Dagger

Mrs. Garrison? How did you get this number? I told you to never call again.
Ken

Dawkins is speaking to his security staff.

STAFF : “Mr Dawkins, we have been watching the audience through the camera on your right. Now don’t be alarmed but the guy in the front row with the white shirt on, has a bible in his jacket pocket. We believe he may be a religious fanatic that has infiltrated the convention.”

RICH : “I see. What should I do?”

STAFF : “Make no sudden references to god , as this may set him off reciting scriptures, otherwise known as fictitious stories from the bible.”

RICH : “OK, but what if he tries to attack me.”

STAFF : “Religious fanatics have been known to attack, but we have the place surrounded. He won’t get far.”
jedipunk

Automated Voice: You have a collect call from
Booming Supernatural Voice: GOD
Automated Voice: Do you wish to accept these charges?

**click**
Vincent

Are you there god? It’s me, Richard
….
hello? hello? anyone?
….
Just checking. I didn’t think so.
Isaah Vincent

“yeah…uh huh”
“no not yet. ive got a few minutes before i go on”
“yeah. its working like gangbusters. Books selling well, people are adopting atheism left and right.”
“well yeah… its going great except in the bible belt. i mean really. this shit is just ridiculus. i think im going to have to get the book published in crayon to get these guys to even READ it.”
“No i dont think that would help. Having demons running around really wouldnt help things along, Master. Its like having Daffy Duck advertise an Anti-Disney Campaign”
“alright im being called on stage now. we’ll work something out. say hello to Brutus for me”
CLICK
Isaah Vincent

“Yes Hello sir. We’ve just completed your Scrooge McDuck style Money Bin and loaded your book earnings inside. You can begin swimming immediately”
Vincent

“Hello?”
“Look, Mr. Hovind, you only get one telephone call a week. Shouldn’t you be using it to call your family? And how did you get this number anyway?”
Siamang

“Hello P-Zed? Harris has gone over to the other side. No, not THAT side. He’s allying himself with the fr*mers. Pity. Unleash your Pharynguloid minions.”
NYCatheist

(Dawkins answers phone)

[heavy breathing]

Dawkins: Who is this?

Haggard: I need your paws on me you dirty ape you.

Dawkins: …

(cue photo)
Bill Montana

RD: Hello Hemant. I just called to tell you, you are so handsome.

______________________________________________________
RD: Hi Satan, yes they’re buying it.
Vincent

“can you hear me now?”
Skeptigator

*Richard Dawkins thinking*

Just keep looking straight. If I look like I’m talking on the phone this weirdo with the camera might leave me alone. Oh God I hope he doesn’t have a knife… shit I’m mean Oh Zeus… dammit I mean… oh forget it.
Katie Molnar

@ jedipunk, re:

Automated Voice: You have a collect call from
Booming Supernatural Voice: GOD
Automated Voice: Do you wish to accept these charges?
**click**

LMAO

Funniest damn thing I’ve ever read. ^^

Makes me want to steal it for a strip (see URI).
Alyx

Richard: Hello?
Sherri Shepard: Hello, Mr. Dawkins, this is Sherri Shepard
Richard: What can I do for you?
Sherri Shepard: I just wanted to ask you if you knew the earth was round or not, because you being a science kinda dude and all probably know more than me
Richard: Well, Sherri, evidence from space travel has allowed us to conclude that our earth is indeed a sphere, not flat like a piece of paper as once was believed
Sherri: Oh, I see, it’s like those Newton guys who said what goes up can’t go sideways or something…I get it now…
Richard: ……
Sherri: Are you there?
Richard: Oh sorry, I was just lost in thought for a moment, a region which seems unfamiliar to you for obvious reasons
Sherri: Man, that was confusin’ on so many different levels I can’t count them all
Richard: …good day to you…I shall see you soon publicly humiliating yourself on national television…oh..wait…
Tim

I don’t know who he’s on the phone with, but he seems awfully distraught about that camera….I think he’s calling a personal friend to ask what to do about the camera.

RD: “Dude?”
PF: “Yeah, Richie?”
RD: “Dude, this is serious.”
PF: “What? What is it?”
RD: “It’s looking at me.”
PF: “What is?”
RD: “The camera.”
PF: “What?”
RD: “I think it’s watching me.”
PF: “Are you serious?”
RD: “…..”
PF: “……

*hangs up*
Jonas

To his under-age daughter,

R.D. — I’m your father, and the Sex-Ratio Theory DOES NOT MEAN you get to DO IT with that guy with the tatoo, and tongue piercing.
David

A preacher called him and invited him to church, then hung up and called again pretending to be a woman…
David

John lennox?
Greta Christina

Do we get to vote?

I keep trying to come up with something for this. But I don’t think there’s any way I can top Bart’s:

“You found a what?”

“A rabbit?”

“In the precambrian?”

“Well, shit…”

(I’m also very fond of “Are you there god? It’s me, Richard” and “I hate my other job.”)
Jim Brusselback

caller: Hi, Richard, it’s T.H. Huxley.

RD: Who?

TH: You know. “Darwin’s Bulldog.”

RD: Oh right.

TH: Yeah I hear you’re trying to steal my nickname, Mr. “Darwin’s Rottweiler” You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you?

RD: I didn’t come up with that name, Thomas. My fans did.

TH: Don’t play coy with me, Dawkins! You know I could sue you for copyright infringement!

RD: But… you’re dead. How could you sue me? How are you even talking to me? You and your copyright have expired long ago…

[click]

RD: Hello? Hello!? [Thinking] What a strange phone call…
Jim Brusselback

mysterious caller: Hello Richard. What’s your favorite scary movie?

Richard: Well, let’s see… That Left Behind movie starring Kirk Cameron was pretty scary. I was afraid the darn thing would never end…