How Do You Tell Your Parents You Believe in God?

I’d feel bad something horrible happened to them that would make them feel the need to believe in invisible friends. But Id probably wait till they got out of their diapers before I took it too seriously.

This actually has happened a couple of times in my freethought group.  We’re in a small town in the deep South.  It’s really rough to be a kid and not believe, here.  

A couple of years ago my niece lost her mother (my sister) to cancer and her father was a deadbeat that has never really been a part of her life. After her mother died she became a believer. I guess she just wanted to believe that her mother still existed if only in spirit. 

Until this everyone in my family had been active non-believers or just apathetic about religion in general.My mother adopted her after my sister died and she has allowed my niece to attend church on her own. So the family neither endorses or condemns her beliefs at this point. It’s a difficult situation since she seems to find some solace in her new beliefs. So at this point no one actively speaks out against it to spare her feelings. I hope that some day she will find her way back to reason. 

I would stone him to death and threaten him with eternal torture…..
Oh, wait…. I thought you were asking what I would do if I were a devout believer and my kid came out as an atheist.

Now that I understand the actual question…
hmmm, I guess I would buy him a beer (once old enough) and ask to have a nice chat about it.

See the difference?

If it were my kid, I’d like to think I’d be supportive too. But it might take a while to get around to getting over the notion that it was some kind of elaborate prank.

—

Dad… I… I believe in God.

Heh, yeah. Good one pup.

No, seriously. Dad. I do.

I think I feel a Tui ad coming on. You should call them, I hear you go into a draw for prizes.

Dad! You’re not listening.

Can I get a color check on this pot and that kettle, please?

DaaAAAAaad!

Yes darling?

…

I’m all ears.

*stomps foot* You’re impossible.

Only prior to selection from the pool of alternatives. After selection you-

*harumph* You know that’s not what I meant! I’m gelling Mum!

Good idea sweetie. I know how much your mother looks forward to a good chat on the topic of my many, many flaws.

—

I’m either going to be a brilliant father or a really, really bad one. 😛

I’m not going to lie: I’d be heartbroken.  Yes, of course I would still love my daughter, but I would also feel that I failed as a parent in teaching her the critical thinking skills that are so important to be a scientifically literate person in today’s world. 

Incidentally, it was my daughter who sparked my involvement in the atheist movement, world, whatever you’d like to call it.  My husband and I were both non-religious, but it wasn’t until our daughter was 5 and announced that the idea of a god controlling what happens on Earth is ridiculous that I started to become more involved.  At 13, she is very involved too, and a much more vocal atheist than I am. 

I would be completely supportive. I have many Christian friends and very close Christian family members. They are happy and good people. Sure, they believe things I wish they wouldn’t like anti-gay, pro-life and the like. 

My 5 year old son went to preschool at my Sister’s church, and he just got done with his second year of “Vacation Bible School”… yah I know… rearrange those three words any way you like and it’s still a triple oxymoron. Amazing.

If you do a good job raising your children, then one of the values you instill in them is critical thinking. That may falter at the church door some day, but it doesn’t mean that they can’t be good happy individuals that use Reason and Critical Thinking skills in the rest of their doings.

Honestly, I would be  dissapointed. I would had raised him better than that. Probably I would ask him/her why and then giv him a helmet in case so he/she doesn’t hit his/her head against something.

It was my kids too.  I was pretty much just “non-religious” until my daughters started getting harassed by their peers, (and sometimes teachers) about their lack of religion.  I think that, plus good internet access, is what got me motivated.

Define supportive. . .

I love my kids no matter what, and it wouldn’t change our relationship from my point of view, but I’d certainly challenge them on it and have a good chat. If they were still under 18 or so I’d expect them to try many different churches and be able to actually explain the teachings of the one they chose and why they chose it over the others.

So, this is actually sort of interesting to me, as I was in this situation once as the child of secular parents. I went through an unfortunate detour into religion (of a evangelical Christian variety) that lasted most of my teenage years. My older sister did as well (and in fact she was the one who brought the religion to me); I eventually found my way back to atheism, my sister is still a theist as far as I know.

How did my parents react? Well, I think they were in a bit of a bind. You can’t exactly force belief out of someone else’s head, even your own kid. The whole religion thing started when my sister started attending church services and a youth group with her best friend. Banning her from attending would have come across as heavy handed, so they didn’t do that. Mostly they just continued to express the reasons behind their own lack of belief.

We had heated arguments about it at times, with my sister and I convinced we were right and convinced we could bring our parents around and “save” them. In retrospect, I find it rather embarrassing. They stood their ground on the issue and weren’t afraid to refer to things like “the Christian myth.” I remember my mom sometimes expressing the thought that they had been so lenient as parents that we “rebelled” by getting religion. I didn’t begin believing in Christianity to rebel (I did have other reasons at the time) and that infuriated me as well.

I feel bad about the way we were so obnoxious on the religion front. My parents endured a great deal of pressure from my grandparents about religion. They (understandably) resented the pressure they got from one direction that suddenly started coming from the other direction as well. My mom still resents it, and gets upset that my sister is still enmeshed in the religion and is raising her own children in religion.

I wish I had not wasted so many years believing in such a myth, and trying to force my life to fit within the dictates of that myth. I wish I had more appreciated the secular upbringing my parents provided me. I mean, here I was, living in a home where I didn’t have to waste Sunday morning in church…and I was making myself go to church.

My mom once commented that perhaps they should have done more to educate us about different religions when we were younger, so we would have been less susceptible to Christianity. Perhaps even attending a Unitarian-Universalist congregation would have helped.

The good news is, everything they said about religion and their reasons for unbelief DID sink in. It took a while for me to walk away from religion, but eventually I did. On my own with no pressure.

Maybe it is a bit easier with the very young children…  But one of my children believes in a god.  She’s only eight.  We had a discussion just this evening about the issue.  I told her that I would not be angry or disappointed if she decided to follow a religion.  She admitted to believing in god, though she did specify that it was a god of no religion she knew of.  

I can relate entirely to a progression of beliefs.  It was a very comforting thing to believe in god when I was younger.  I was raised as a Christian, and it took years of  guilt and shame, and feeling very alone before I came to my current beliefs.  So, she’ll probably grow out of it.  And if she doesn’t?  Oh well, she’s a wonderful person anyway.  

Honestly, if it were my kid I’d be downright embarrassed. I like to think I’d try to be understanding about it, but… I wouldn’t handle it well.

I would want him incarcerated  so he could not hurt anyone else, but I wouldn’t want him to suffer.

I might even support his death (doubtful since I’m not big on the death penalty in general) but still love him.

I don’t think it’s biological.  I think it’s a choice you make to be responsible for someone else.  I suspect adoptive parents do it, and not all biological parents do.  It may not be conscious and outright, but once you’ve made it, you’ve made it.

It hasn’t happened to me specifically, but for a time my daughter started frequenting a church with her friends. Since we were not talking much in that period (and she was already a young adult) I did wonder.

Previously when she was younger, I let her go to church and mass with the usual neighbor busybody and the off relative, but it didn’t stick. If anything the local priest did his best to make sure she would grow up an atheist, those guys need lessons in basic marketing. 

It turned out that she was going to the church building but she was not tempted to join up. Of course, my first reaction was, like all parents “where did I go wrong?”. But it would not cross my mind to impose my paternal authority to force her in or out of religion or any specific belief. Growing up I only made sure I was there to answer questions but for the most part I left her alone.

I would draw the line if I saw her joining a cult or even a mainstream fundamentalist sect. She would need to make a very strong case for herself for me not to react and try to dissuade her. Again, I would want to be sure she hadn’t been brain washed, but beyond that I would just make sure to let her know where I stand and I would tell her not to preach to me. 

 Or “Great– which one?” (And then I’d hope it was a cool one Mazu).

Just remember what you were like at your kids age– that always helps.  And remember that there are lots of people who once had very strong beliefs in god that no longer believe.  There’s hope for even a kid who becomes a preacher (egads) as the clergy project shows.

 What if your child is Anders Behring Breivik or Osama Bin Laden?

I suspect their mothers still love them (if they are alive). Scott Peterson’s mother loved him though he was clearly a sociopath. I think that a mother would wonder how she messed up if her kid grew up to be a sociopath– did you ever see The Bad Seed?  I’d probably blame myself or wonder if it might have something that happened during pregnancy or an injury to the head.

Shaming a kid because they believe in a god is just as bad as the other side shaming a kid because they don’t believe in a god.

Everyone should have the right to believe or not no matter how misguided it is.

With that said, if my daughter became an extremist of any kind, we would have a serious discussion.

Darric people below pretty much answered the question. If my daughter was to rape, torture or murder my love for her would not simply go away. I also don’t treat my daughter as a little miracle because she is not. She is just another human on this little blue dot we call earth.

 Have you reported the harassment by teachers?  That sounds unethical and illegal to me. 

I’m sorry.  I should have assigned a different verb to the teachers… sloppy late-night writing on my part.  Nothing that I would term as  harassment from the teachers, but more having teachers that think their religious views are shared by all of their students.  And yes, it has been discussed with the teachers, and in one case, reported to the administrator.

 Glad to hear that 🙂

Hadn’t really thought of that. The picture could just be a picture they chose, without that intent. But you could well be right, which makes this downright silly and insulting. Makes me wonder which it is.

All of this “respect their views” and stuff is not something I feel like I could do in this situation. I would react the same way as if they told me “I really love doing heroin” or “I plan on going to Haiti to have unprotected sex with prostitutes”.

I would provide my child with a boat load of evidence on how and why every religion is full of holes. I would do the same for the corruption in organized religion. I would also challenge them on why and how they have their beliefs and explain to them the importance of believing things for a reason. I would also show them how often and how bad religions hurt individuals, societies, and ultimately our planet.

This is honestly one of my biggest fears of raising a child in the US (which I will do soon enough).

The counter example that occurred to me was Clifford Olson.  From prison, he wrote letters to the families of his victims (boys 9-18), describing in detail how he had tortured them.  Even behind bars, he continued to hurt people.

My children will occasionally tell me, “Mom, I’m sorry, but I believe in God.”  I’ll ask why, and they never have a good answer.   Other times they’ll admit, they don’t have any idea, but it doesn’t make sense.  I think this is normal, they are still very young (all under 13). 

I’m not worried about it though, because I believe as they grow older they will realize how illogical the whole concept is.  And I suspect their intermittent belief is because it seems like all the other kids believe and they want to fit in.  Also, very normal. 

I draw the line at them actually going to church with their friends though…I refuse to allow my kids to be subjected to that nonsense up close and personal.

If as adults they approach me and tell me they they believe…I would definitely be disappointed, but I can’t imagine not loving them or disowning them.  That’s just not who I am. 

Yeah…my parents are fundies, so they’d probably just snipe at me constantly, talk about how ungrateful I am, ask if they can pray with me, blame all the “bad” things I did on my atheism, accuse me of being atheist because I want to sin, expect me to “respect” their beliefs and get dragged to church, etc.

And I say this from second-hand experience, as I’m closeted, but my brother is pretty openly atheistic and I’ve seen how they treat him. Not quite stoning, but they do threaten disowning him and not supporting him over religious arguments at times.

You *are* between a rock and a hard place.  No escaping that.  I’m sorry for your lack of options.  I totally understand.  You know this because you have older boys as well, but you just need to remind yourself that he’s seven.  He really doesn’t understand much of anything right now.  Make sure he gets good science and critical thinking training even if you have to do it yourself after school.  The rest will come in the next 5-7 years as he starts questioning everything.  🙂

You know what I see a lot and have come to realize?  The last sentence that you wrote…  “more to fit in with her peers that for any actual belief in a deity”.  I think that is more true for most people than it is an actual belief.  Some people use religion as a crutch to become sober, be without “sins” or have some sense of common bond with others to cope or deal with their problems.  I think it’s the wrong way to go about it, but to each his own.  And sometimes I say,whatever makes you good!  And then I think there are people out there that use religion for their own peer acceptance.  Then there is that fear factor thrown in there.  I was a victim of this.  I thought for sure something bad would happen or I would most certainly jinx my life or something crazy to that effect.  I was indoctrinated growing up, and had so many churches, preachers, crazy church people and several types of religions and “supernatural” BS shoved in my face all through my childhood and young adulthood.   But after reading, learning and understanding, and in all honesty?  Letting my guard down and having to stop being so pig-headed!!!  I came to realize what I was missing out on.  It wasn’t the acceptance of my other religious peers, it wasn’t the common bond that so many share in this world.  It was having peace within myself and my heart.  Learning to accept that this is MY life, I am responsible for it, and I am completely and solely a human being of choice and to live as though you can go on forever beyond the clouds is completely insane.  I want to live my life and fulfill what I can and be a positive influence on others to do the same.  I am finally at peace.  And it feels so good.